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"Soooo my roommate has no respect for my personal space/property. Not only does he come into my room at any time he pleases, he drinks alcohol out of all of my travel mugs, even though I’ve asked him to not. Today was the tipping point though, I found my everyoneisgay travel mug in his room, the letters scratched off (WTF?!?) What do I do?!?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

UHM. WHAT?!?! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Since you’ve already talked to him in a calm and responsible fashion, I suggest you do the following:

(1) walk into his room, spot your mug.
(2) point to mug and say “is that my everyone is gay mug” when he says “yes” slowly start breathing heavier until you’re making this face:
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(3) say “didn’t… I … ask… you… Not… to…” and as you see his face change to fear / confusion and he starts to ask you what’s wrong, scream:

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(4) yell “I HAVE ASKED YOU REPEATEDLY NOT TO TOUCH MY THINGS, YOU NEED TO (see below)”

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(5) allow him to fall silent, ask for an apology, and say:
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(6) tell him he owes you at least 12$ and walk out, but be sure to do a dramatic hair flip as pictured here:

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Moral: Go in like Tyra and go out like Beyonce.

Kristin Says:

Nothing.

Kristin says nothing.

This is perfect, beautiful art. All of your answers lie within.

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"What’s the least uncomfortable way to let your friends know that YOU CAN TOTALLY HEAR THEM HAVING SEX DEAR GOD I AM TRYING TO SLEEP UGH"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I’m torn between sending a text that says “sounds like you guys were having A BLAST last night” or running into them in the kitchen and saying “Guys, don’t be weird around me okay?” and when they say “what do you mean” responding with “oh, i just mean because I hear you having sex all the time, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, I understand that intercourse is completely natural and you can’t control the noises you make.”

Maybe I’m legit the worst, but I feel like embarrassing them is a really good way to handle this.. NO?? Listen, one time I was making out with someone and the next day my bff was like “remember when you guys thought no one could see you making out? you’re both idiots” and I was embarrassed but also it was so funny. bc like… it’s just funny. People make out, people have sex, people are loud, it happens. Just approach it lightly and from a place of humor and they’ll get the point without feeling like assholes.

YOU’LL BE FINE.

oh. or send them a link to this and be like ‘LOL THAT’S U GUYZ’

Kristin Says:

You guys, that was me who said that to Dannielle. That was me. She was making out in front of me but thought I couldn’t see her. I AM VERY FUNNY. {bow}

I think an another solution to your problem would be to get giant earmuffs and a helmet, and very dramatically put them on before you walk into your bedroom. Stand at the door until someone says, “What are you doing?” and then scream, “WHAT ARE YOU SAYING???? I CAN’T HEAR YOU I HAD TO PUT ON MY PROTECTIVE NOW-I-CAN’T-HEAR-YOUR-SEX-NOISES HEADGEAR BEFORE BED!!”

Right?

Or, how about when you hear them having sex, you start making fake sex noises from your side of the wall… (ie: Them: {moan, thud, moan} / You: {louder thud, ‘OH YEA!!!’, loud sequence of thuds}). That will also get the point across.

In all seriousness though… if it is actually legitimately keeping you from sleeping, that is DIS-RUH-SPECTFUL, and you should just be really casual about it, and say something like, “This is a free country and I am totally into the fact that you enjoy having sex, but I was wondering if you guys might be able to be a little quieter in the very late hours only because I am terrified I am going to have a sex dream about you and then have to move out and then you won’t have a roommate and that will probably be a strain on your relationship and then you might stop having sex altogether and that would be horrible… so… what do you think?!”

Then, bat your eyelashes.

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"I share a house with my BFF from high school and his BF. Recently I purchased a bottle of [sexy/expensive] men’s body wash. Every time I go to use it, it’s upside down, the cap is open and I’ve noticed the levels of body wash decreasing rapidly. I don’t mind them using it, I’d probably steal it too if it wasn’t mine. I just can’t afford to buy a new bottle every other week. It’d be fine if they bought the next one, but I’m afraid to approach the subject without coming across like I’m accusing…"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

YOU HAVE TO MANIPULATE THEM.

Sorry, I’m in a dramatic mood this morning.

Honestly, this doesn’t have to be a big deal at all. Especially since it doesn’t seem like you give too many shits. Here is what I would do, next time they are out and about, shoot one of them a text that says “Hey, can you guys pick up more body wash while you’re out?” Things will go one of three ways, (1) they had no idea they were using your bod wash bc they both thought it was the other boyz or (2) they will be like “omg yes sorry we keep forgetting” bc they aren’t assholes and they understand the concept of sharing or (3) they will be like “uh… you mean pick up some body wash FOR YOU? Can you pay me back????” because they are absolutely assholes.

The first two are simple to deal with because you’ll just LOL together and keep smelling the same and life will be rainbows and butterflies. NUMBER THREE IS THE WORST. There isn’t a whole lot you can do about someone being an outright terrible roommate/sharer. If this is the case, I suggest you get a tiny plastic thing that you keep your bathroom stuff in and just take it to and from the bathroom every time you shower. IT’S THE WORST, but if they’re not going to compromise and you’re not into the idea of scream-fights over body wash, this is a solid option. HERE’S TO HOPING YOUR ROOMIES AREN’T A-HOLES *body wash cheers*

Kristin Says:

That is a pretty good plan —- passive aggressive action-taking at its finest. The bottom line here is that you either have a roommate who doesn’t realize they are doing anything wrong OR you have a roommate that is a dickweed, so you have to crack that case before you take further action. You know?

First of all: Dear Roommates of Other People, Do not use things that don’t belong to you without acknowledging that you have used said thing and replacing said thing. If you have used someone’s shampoo once or twice, be a doll and just get a whole new bottle. Don’t use something if you can’t replace it, and don’t use anything that is irreplaceable. No matter how close you are with your roommate BELIEVE ME IT ISN’T OKAY — even when it is okay, it often skirts the line to a place where someone feels weird, so just be courteous and treat anything that isn’t yours like… LIKE IT IS NOT YOURS.

For you, dear darling victim of an ignorant roommate, I would do what Dannielle says. Sure, maybe it will come off a little accusing, but there is not real way to deal with this maturely without somehow addressing the fact that your bodywash is being used by someone other than yourself. Remember that you aren’t accusing in a BAD way, though, you are just saying “Hey I am down to share bodywash, let’s just figure out a system so we are both contributing.” It is hard to do, but it is the best way forward.

If you literally cannot do that and aren’t at a point in your life where you feel comfortable speaking those words, then do the following:

1. Buy a bottle of CVS brand bodywash with flowers and hearts all over it.
2. Empty the flower nightmare inside, wash, refill with expensive sexy boy wash.
3. Refill sexy boy bottle with water.

#passiveaggressivewednesday

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"I had a friend over and she said something was "for homos" while one of my roommates, who might be gay, was within hearing distance without us realizing at the time. Neither of us has anything against gay people and I knew she was using the phrase in a completely sarcastic way, so I didn’t think to call her out on it. But now I’m worried my potentially gay roommate thinks I’m a homophobic idiot and won’t ever come out, esp since we live in a pretty homophobic place. Am I overthinking this?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think… If I were you, I’d go up to her and say VERY QUICKLY, “hey, listen, my friend said ‘for homos’ the other day and now I’m terrified that you think we’re homophobic idiots and like, I don’t know your life and maybe your bff is gay or your brother or your mom or whatever and I just, I don’t want you to think that because that’s not true and we love everyone and she was just kidding slash being dumb and you probably didn’t even hear it, but I’ve been obsessing about it and I even asked everyoneisgay.com what to do bc i was so stressed out and so now i’m just blurting out my feelings i’m sorry, i’m not hateful, i swear”

… I dunno if that’ll work, but like, at least your feelings will be out there and you won’t feel like your roomie is uncomfortable anymore, you know? You might feel like she thinks you’re completely weird, but WHO ISN’T COMPLETELY WEIRD, YOU KNOW?

Generally, people aren’t offended if you apologize for something that doesn’t apply to them. Does that make sense? If the tables were turned and your roomie’s friend made a gay joke, you would feel 1000x better if she apologized, even tho you aren’t gay… you know? There are no limits when it comes to being respectful to those around you. You’re doing great.

Kristin Says:

Ohhhhhh sarcasm, you tricky little devil, you.

I think this question brings to light the trouble with words and phrases. Saying something is “for homos” is funny to some people whether they or gay or straight or bi or trans or pan or asexual or WHATEVER, without necessarily being an indicator of how they feel when they aren’t trying to make someone laugh. Their brain is like, this is what I know I mean, but this is why I think it is a funny play on words, and then sometimes the brains of other people are like ‘oh hahahaha i know what you mean,’ and everything goes according to plan. The problem, though, is that not everyone is going to agree with their sarcasm, not everyone is going to GET their sarcasm, and some people are going to be truly insulted by what they THINK was meant, or by the fact that NO MATTER WHAT THEY MEANT YOU SHOULDN’T JOKE AROUND WITH A WORD LIKE HOMO.

Do you get what I mean? We all approach these things differently, so I want to just caution all y’all: generally, jokes including words or phrases like homo or gay or {insert other hot button words here} are best left unsaid unless you are with your BFF and you know they know you and you know they will get the MANY LAYERS of your comedy and not understand or misunderstand it as one-dimensional.

Jesus. I am trying so hard to communicate my feelings without pissing you guys off.

SO THAT ALL SAID: 1) Talk to your friend about being more cautious with those kinds of phrases, regardless of her intent. 2) It doesn’t matter the sexuality of your roommate. All you have to do is own the fact that your friend said something that might be offensive to ANYONE. Talking to them is the best move – just a quick simple apology that your friend was tossing around insensitive words is perfect and will communicate the message clearly.

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