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"What advice can you offer to a person in their mid-20s who is curious about women? While I've always had some curiosity (but never acted upon it), I've always classed myself as straight. But the curiosity is getting a lot stronger and I'd like to explore it and find out how I really feel. I've no idea how to connect with other women and I also don't want to waste someone's time if they're looking for someone who knows what they want because I might find that it isn't what I want."

-Question Submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Ooooooh ok ok ok ready: MAKE OUT WITH A GIRL! MAKE OUT WITH TWO GIRLS! MAKE OUT WITH ALLL THE GIRRRLLLS!

*clears throat*

I understand what you are saying, Anonymous, about being worried because “what if it is isn’t what you wind up wanting,” but at the same time: isn’t that the entire point of connecting with people in the first place?! It’s like, when I met my wife and thought “boy oh boy do I sure want to make out with that one,” I definitely had no way of knowing a) that I would actually like making out with her once we made out (I did), 2) whether or not I would want to keep making out (I DID), 3) if making out would mean we’d talk about more-than-making-out (we did), 4) if we wanted the same things for the rest of our lives (who knowwwws but so far we are doing pretty good)! All we could do was make the decision to make out and then reassess… then make out some more and reassess… then get married and keep making out (HOW FUN).

You aren’t obligated to know how you’ll feel about connecting to anyone before you connect with them, so I, Kristin Russo, give you full permission to take that concern and toss it out the window. Cool? Cool.

NOW: On how to connect. Personally, I really like making out, so I screamed a bunch about making out up there… but for you connecting with another girl might mean something totally different! It might mean that you ask someone you have more-than-friend-feelings for to grab a coffee or a beer, and then talk to them for hours. It might mean that you see them again, and tell them that you’ve been questioning your attractions (HINT HINT). It might mean you watch a movie at their house and you hold hands and see how that feels. It might mean you have dinner together and then have all the sex all night long! IT MIGHT MEAN YOU WRITE EACH OTHER LOVE POEMS, WHO KNOWS.

Point being: you should think about what you like, and what you want. Then, once you have some thoughts, you do like the rest of us and clumsily stumble around trying to make those thoughts a reality. It’s okay to mess up or feel scared (IT CAN BE SO SCARY BUT EEEE THAT’S THE FUN!), it’s okay if you stumble a bit, and it’s okay if you love it too much or you don’t love it at all.

Our desires and attractions can be so much fun if we let ourselves have the room to explore… and that is exactly what you are saying you want to do, Anon.

THREE CHEERS FOR MAKING OUT WITH GIRLS!
WOOOOOO!

 

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07.13.2016
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"What's QIA?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin says:

Hello!

The “Q” in LGBTQIA stands for two things, as I understand it: Queer or Questioning. Questioning is fairly self-explanatory, and refers to someone who is questioning their sexuality or gender identity. Queer is a much bigger term to unpack, and I think that this two part series from our friends at Autostraddle is a great place to start: Part 1 | Part 2

The “I” in LGBTQIA stands for Intersex, and the “A” stands for Asexual, and we have a whole bunch of resources to unpack those term on our website! You can find those resources here: Intersex | Asexual

If you meant “what is the QIA” and were referring to something else… maybe it’s like the CIA but is made up of a bunch of queer badasses who fight for equality with books and superpowers while wearing cat t-shirts and converse. But if that is the case I am really mad that I wasn’t asked to join…

x,

Kristin

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06.29.2016
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"So, my love life has been super rocky lately. (also I’m straight and have never dated a girl.) well, maybe I’m straight? anyways, the point is a girl at my college asked me on a date this weekend. I don’t know if I’m questioning my sexuality because I’m lonely or questioning because I’m potentially bisexual? HELP."

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I’ll tell you right now, if you were not interested in going on a date with this girl, you would not be interested in going on a date with this girl.

Alternate perspective: you’re interested in going out with this girl BECAUSE YOU’RE INTERESTED IN GOING OUT WITH THIS GIRL.

You should do it. I don’t think it’s wrong to date someone just because you wanna see if it’ll work. Isn’t that what dating is? I think it’s weird that we’re like “WHOA YOU CAN’T DATE GIRLS BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T LABELED YOURSELF AS A PERSON WHO DATES GIRLS”… I don’t care how you identify. We are all people walking around in the world wanting to hug, kiss, bone, hold hands with, dance with, laugh with, get in fights with, cuddle with, yell at, buy presents for, roll our eyes at, be sassy to, and otherwise relate to PEOPLE.

I gettttt ittttt, we should figure out if we REALLY have the capacity to be in a relationship with someone of WHATEVER gender before we try it…but like… how do you ever know if you don’t try it?! LIKE, HOW?! I did not know I was gay until a girl kissed me and I was like “oooh okay i could maybe get into this.” I had no fucking clue, it hadn’t even crossed my mind. Imagine had I never kissed that girl because I didn’t KNOW whether I LIKED/WANTED to kiss girls or I just wanted to kiss someone bc my mouth was lonely? WHERE WOULD THE WORLD BE? THERE WOULD BE NO EVERYONE IS GAY OR LESBIANS WHO LOOK LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER. THIS SOUNDS TERRIBLE. go on the date, bye.

Kristin Says:

Yup. Go. Stop reading this and pick up your phone and make this happen.

I agree with Dannielle a gabillion million percent: you would not go on this date if you had absolutely no capacity to potentially be into this girl. If that were the case you’d be like UGH WHY IS IT THAT THIS WONDERFUL PERSON WOULD BE WITH ME AND I AM NOT INTERESTED WHYYYYY, instead of like WAIIIIT MAYYYYYBE??!

I don’t mean to spoiler alert most of your lives for you, but… the majority of people can connect with other people in emotional, romantic, and physical ways that do not hinge on gender identity or body parts alone. We are bodies and brains and hearts, and if there were no larger societal structure telling us what “boys” and “girls” were supposed to be like or what “sex” was supposed to be like, this world would be a completely different place.

Sorry to get all BIG PICTURE on you, but I just think that you’ll never learn about your capacities for connection if you don’t follow your heart and take some risks. It is okay to go on a date and see how that feels. It is okay to go on many dates and talk about how you’ve never explored this part of your sexuality before with the person you are dating. It is okay if you fall in love and reassess what that means for your identity, and it is also okay if you don’t fall in love and don’t reassess your identity!

Do it. Let your heart be open. So long as you are honest with yourself and the person you date (should things go past a couple of dates), you really can’t lose.

CLEAR EYES FULL HEARTS.

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10.6.2014
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"Even if you may not have much experience with helping bisexual guys, I don’t know where else to turn to. My family is not very religious, so that isn’t the problem, but my dad is kind if conservative. Although bisexual, I see myself in the future with another guy. Should I come out to them as gay, because I fear that if I tell them I’m bi, they will focus towards the fact that I still have a chance with a girl, and ignore the fact that I like guys as well. Please help, I’m a junior in highschool"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think this is totally up to you and what makes you comfortable. I think if your parents want to believe you’ll end up with a girl, that will come REGARDLESS of how you identify. When people aren’t totally comfortable with someone’s identity, they tend to make excuses. They try to brush it off, ignore it, figure out when it will “go away,” and do just about anything they can to avoid actually having a conversation and changing their views.

I think if you come out as gay, and date some men, then end up with a woman, you’ll do a bit of damage to your own feels and identity. Because once you meet a woman, your parents might say, “see! it was just a phase!” or “we knew you weren’t really gay!” or “thank god THAT is over!” and all of those statements are super hurtful. They also completely erase who you are, which is a bisexual-identified guy.

I also think it completely sucks how often the bisexual identity is treated like shit. People INSIDE the LGBTQ community will be jerks just to be jerks and like… THE B IS IN THE ACRONYM PEOPLE. It’s not fair to tell someone to ‘choose,’ it’s not fair to erase someone’s identity, it’s not fair to make someone’s coming out even harder, when you are supposed to be the support system. Your parents may make it harder on you, the community may make it harder on you, but you know what? This is who you are, you are a bisexual dude who should feel comfortable coming out as such and should stick by your identity because the people who give you hell don’t know what they’re talking about.

Be proud of who you are, and don’t ever do something because you think it’ll be easier for someone else. Especially when it involves your coming out. This is YOUR coming out. It will be a process and it will be hard. It seems to me that you think it’ll be hard no matter what, so why not have a hard process and know deep down that you were completely honest and true to yourself.

Kristin Says:

Hooboy, can I identify with this question, and damn did Dannielle just totally shed more light on my own experience. I know this isn’t about me, Anon, but let’s walk this one together, shall we?

I came out to my parents, initially, as bisexual. I didn’t know what I was, really, but I just felt as thought I was attracted to all sorts of people, and girls were definitely included (annnnd kind of at the top of the list). Past that, I had no clue what to call myself, so I went with bisexual… and that word made things so goddamn difficult with my mom (mind you, they would have been difficult regardless).

The word bisexual, however, wouldn’t allow her to let go of the idea that I could still like boys and that if I just met one — if her prayers could be answered — everything would be okay again. So, after a short amount of time dealing with that nonsense I said EFF THIS, and I came out again as gay. Gay gay gay mom, I will never be with a boy, stop your dreaming, I am GAY. I just wanted her to shut up and stop hoping that I’d be someone that I wasn’t…

I still didn’t really know what I was (I still really don’t, but bless the word ‘queer’ to that end). All I knew was that I liked girls and I kept dating girls, so why not just say the word that might help my mom let go of her hope and start accepting me for who I was… right? Well, not really. It did help out a bit in the beginning, because the finality of my statement forced her to let go of some of the hoping… but ultimately I was exactly where Dannielle says that you may be: I was then horrified that I’d meet a guy and have my entire identity erased.

What’s more, my false declaration of my identity closed our conversation off in a place that wasn’t true, and it also closed off my mom’s understanding, for the time being, of the complexities of sexuality and identities.

Biphobia is a real and present thing in this world — and it’s by speaking out about our identities that we can shake the misconceptions and the bullshit away. That said, this is your identity and your experience — and so the right answer here is what feels right to you. At the end of the day, work as hard as you can to be true to yourself and remember that your mom has the capacity, over time, to understand that your sexuality (and all that goes with it) is far more complex than and either/or experience.

(Shameless plug alert: This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids totally kicks this question right in its teeth. In the good way. <3)

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10.1.2014
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"So I currently identify as pan/demi. But sometimes I feel asexual, or straight, etc. Is sexuality-fluidity a thing? Or does that fall under being pansexual?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think this is a pretty subjective question. I call myself a gay, but I know full well I’m totally attracted to humans that would make it so I don’t “fit” that description. HOWEVER, that is the word I choose and the word I like and the word that makes me feel comfortable.

I don’t think we created these labels because we wanted to define the few categories there were so each person could pick the ONE CATEGORY they fit into. I don’t think that makes sense. I think the words were created so we could recognize that the human experience isn’t just ONE THING. We have these words so that we have the ability to recognize there are people who experience life and feels the same way we do. Or at least, in a similar way.

You’d be surprised to find how many people feel exactly how you feel. In fact, there are so many books and academic papers and essays written about sexual fluidity and how troublesome it can be to try and fit yourself into one tiny little box of a category.

If it makes you feel better to say you’re pansexual, and to define what that means to you, go for it. Your identity is just that, it’s yours. I identify as gay, to me, that means I am primarily attracted to cisgender ladies, but I would fucking marry Janet Mock in a heartbeat and I would make out with Zac Efron for HOURS. So, does that mean I can’t claim my own identity? NOPE. I AM WHO I AM AND WHO I AM IS A GAY BASICALLY MOST TIMES.

Kristin Says:

This is exactly why identity is the best and the worst all in one confusing package.

Firstly, Anon, if all of the feelings you have fall under what you mean when you say ‘pansexual,’ then f*ck yea, it all falls under pansexual! That’s what Dannielle is saying about identity being ours to claim and define. If you tell someone you are pansexual and then they declare that such an identity means you cannot also be asexual or demisexual, then they are misinformed. Who you are attracted to and how you prefer to act on those attractions are not dependent on one another, nor do they need to be connected in the same way for each human being. That wouldn’t make any SENSE. Being asexual or demisexual does not and cannot make you any less pansexual. COME ON YOU GUYS.

Also, the very base definition of the word pansexual is to suggest that gender isn’t something that explicitly determines your attraction to another person. I don’t use the word pansexual in identifying myself to others but I sure as hell don’tthink that gender plays a dominant role in who I find attractive (or at least not in the ways that society seems to think it would). Why don’t I use the word to self-identify? I have NO idea. Words are hard.

However, this isn’t about me, it’s about YOU, Anon. You may also recognize feelings that set off your ‘straight’ alarms a little more fiercely than the rest at times because a) they are the most identifiable since they are reflected everywhere, or b) you are afraid that those within the LGBTQ community will exclude you if you aren’t “gay” or “pan” or “whatever” enough to fit into the community (on this note I will hold back my angry diatribes). Maybe it’s both things, maybe it’s neither or something else entirely, but I can tell you this —- if the word pansexual makes sense to you and your feelings, then that word belongs to you, and it can include being demisexual and asexual if you want it to, and it also certainly includes feeling attracted to all genders — even if your brain might signal some as “straight.”

Lastly, you asked if sexuality is fluid.
You better f*cking believe it is.

Perhaps you want to know, can our identities and attractions change and shift given the space of time?
You better f*cking believe they can.

Maybe, still, you wonder if all of us have a responsibility to each other and ourselves to respect those shifts and changes and identities?
YOU BETTER F*CKING BELIEVE WE DO.

07.4.2014
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