"Is 'uhauling' a bad idea? I hooked up with someone I was casual friends with for the first time just over a week ago, and it was like something clicked. We've been hanging out and/or talking every day and it's just so easy and wonderful and makes me really happy. I really really like her and for the first time feel like I've found something that I really want to become serious and really want to last. But if one of my friends were doing this I'd tell her to cool it and take her time. Thoughts??"
-Question submitted by Anonymous
Ooooookay okay okay okay great news: you just answered YOUR OWN QUESTION. Let me help you find it. Ready:
“If one of my friends were doing this I’d tell her to cool it and take her time.” – you, just now, being very wise.
“I’d like to move in with a girl who I made out with for the first time one week ago.” – you, just now, being not-nearly-as-wise.
U-Hauling, so to speak, is a term oft used to describe lesbians who move in together quickly. Now, “quickly” is a relative term (as is “lesbians” wheee), so I can’t really place a judgement on the entire PRACTICE of U-Hauling (and like, let’s be clear, we could probably all have a nice sit-down chat about the roots and usage of the phrase and get a good rousing back and forth going on our related feelings, but for now ADVICE). What I can say to you, Anon, is that ONE WEEK IS TOO FAST FOR GOD’S SAKE. That might even be too fast to be called U-Hauling. Maybe that would be called Rocketshipping. Or something.
You are having a GREAT time. That is GREAT.
How. Ever. This is akin to you discovering you love jelly beans, and then going to the store to buy 100 bags of jellybeans, then painting your room with jelly beans, then buying a jelly bean costume, then composing a song about jelly beans, then renaming yourself jelly bean. Chances are, jelly bean, you’re gonna hate jellybeans reaaaaaallll quick after that spree.
If you love jelly beans so much, just get yourself some jelly beans and sit down on a comfy couch and be like *snacking noises* MMMMMMM I love jelly beans! Applying this to your current situation, you can just sit down on a comfy couch with girl-you-adore and be like *kissing noises* MMMMMM I love girl-you-adore! YOU CAN EVEN CALL HER JELLY BEAN!
My point (I have one!) is that you can enjoy a good thing without having to take all of the steps to commitment-land right this very instance. In fact, you moving in so quickly makes me feel like you’re panicked that it might slip away… and I can’t say this strongly enough: moving in together does not mean you are securing a forever. Hell, marrying someone and even having babies with them doesn’t secure a forever. Nothing secures a forever, which is why falling in love is so terrifying and wonderful all at the same damn time!!
I advise you to enjoy this person. I advise you to feel terrified every minute, and to feel glorious every minute, and to imagine your wonderful castle in the clouds that you will build out of cotton candy some day. I advise you to appreciate the tiny, wonderful parts of not living together now, because once you move in, those tiny, wonderful parts won’t be there anymore! Do you know how much I miss getting ready for a date and showing up and being like BADOW DON’T I LOOK FLY?!?! Now my wife watches me toss clothing all over all the rooms while I hunt for the perfect outfit, or she just gets to hang out with me in sweatpants bc why not?! You’ll get to sweatpant-land, too, don’t worry (and there are parts that are lovely), but enjoy the now while you are in it!!!!!
Breathe in. Breathe out. Unpack your bags. Kiss the girl you love.
Attached Too Fast: "I get attached too fast in relationships. How do I control myself?"
"How do I tell my girlfriend I don’t want to move in with her? I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I don’t think living together already is the best thing for me."
- Question submitted by Anonymous
With your mouth and your words.
It seems like a really dramatic, horrible, uncomfortable thing. HOWEVER, the more calm, cool, and collected you are, the better. Right now you’re like ‘I’M GOING TO HURT HER FEELINGS BC I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER’ but in reality, you just need more time. You aren’t saying “i don’t love you” or “i don’t like being with you” or “i don’t want to live with you.” You’re simply saying you need more time, you like having your own space, and you look forward to leaving that alone time to go see your boo.
Different people need different things at different times. You have to be on the same page and she has to be down with it. There is no way I could live with someone right now. I’m just not at a place in my life where I would feel okay sharing all of my space and time with another human. Talk to me in six months, maybe things will be different, but like that’s where I’m at, y’all.
Be honest with her. You needing your own space for a little longer should not be a deal breaker. You still love her, you still want to be around her all the time, you still think she’s the fucking best. Tell her that.
I agree wholeheartedly with Dannielle — and I also think it really commendable that you know yourself enough to know what you need. I was not nearly so aware on the first few go-rounds with my girlfriends… moving in always seemed like a completely reasonable thing, and I rarely thought about the long-term meaning of such a decision.
There are a ton of totally fun and wonderful things that happen when you move in with someone, sure. You can (and should) talk about those positive elements and explain that you ARE excited to take all of her clothes from her all of the time, that you ARE excited to never have to pack a bag again, and that you ARE excited to make fun of her morning routine of spilling coffee on each and every one of her pajama shirts. Start the conversation there, so that she has a foundation of love and support.
There are also, however, many excellent reasons to wait on moving in with your boo. Getting to pick her up for a date-night is a romantic moment that isn’t as common once you live in the same house, getting to miss each other when you take your “alone nights” is also something that will rarely happen. Explain that you want to be with her, and that moving in is important to you in the longer term, but that you want some more time to explore and enjoy those elements that only come from living apart.
It’s okay to hurt people’s feelings sometimes — even when you love them. In fact, it’s inevitable. She may be sad, and she may even be a bit unreasonable at first… try to support those feelings (it’s easy to feel insecure!), and remain strong in how much you DO care, and how that caring for you and your relationship is what is informing your choices.
"My girlfriend of almost two years wants to get married, like, next year. She’s serious; she even wants to buy rings, etc. I want to be with her too and marry her some day, but I think it’s too early for me to get married (I’m 23, she’s 26), and I think it’s too early in our relationship to get married. So I keep telling her that it’s too early blah blah, but she thinks I’m rejecting her! What do I do? Please help."
-Question submitted by Anonymous
ALMOST TWO YEARS. That’s it?!!? You guys, that’s like 1/40th of your lifespan.
Okay, I’m being dramatic, that’s a fine amount of time to talk about marriage and get rings etc. But here’s my feeling on the situation… What’s the rush? The two of you want to be together forever, right? You’ve had the conversation, you feel the same feels, you don’t want anyone else, THAT’S AWESOME… Why do you have to put a ring on it right this second?
Also, it’s really hard to explain to someone “I want to be with you forever and ever and ever and I want to wear a ring but like i don’t want that ring right now because… ” I DONT KNOW.
I would ask your boo why she’s in such a rush. SERIOUSLY ask her, though. Don’t just say it in a backhanded way and then stomp off to your room with a box of cap’n crunch. Ask her and listen to her. Acknowledge what she’s saying and tell her why you’re uncomfortable.
I had no fucking clue who I was when I was 23 years old. I mean, I thought I knew everything and I felt okay about where I was, but I’ve changed so much. I’ve grown so much. I would feel WAY more comfortable sharing my life with someone as I am now. Getting married isn’t just about saying ‘hey i love this human’ you can do that with a necklace and a trip to Florida. Getting married is about so much more and if you’re not there, you’re just not. It doesn’t mean you love her any less.
I know I just quoted Dannielle yesterday but, you guys, remember how you can tell someone you love them with “a necklace and a trip to Florida”? Dannielle is my favorite person.
ON TO ADVICE.
Getting married really is a totally huge deal. I am 32 years old and only within the last handful of years did it start to feel like, “Okay, this life thing is still pretty nuts, but I know myself and I know this person, and I am ready to take this step.” That didn’t mean I didn’t love the people I was with before being able to take that step, it meant that I respected myself and my relationship enough to know what we were ready for, and what we were not. You are making the right decision by waiting until you feel more comfortable.
I would say something like, “I love you and I want to be with you, and I want to be with you forever. The thing about forever, though, is that it can start now without us getting married, and that the journey we are going to go on together is going to have a lot of dips and bends and curves… I want to be able to grow more before we take that step, so that I can feel more prepared for those things. I want to work to prepare for our marriage, and I want to work together to be able to communicate that to you in a way that lets you know I love you, always.”
Be patient with her frustrations, and be reassuring. The bottom line is that, if she is able to be patient with you and work to understand where you are coming from, then you will be able to grow with her to a place where you are both ready to take those steps together, at the right time for you both.
ALSO TELL HER PLANNING A WEDDING IS RIDICULOUS AND SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S GETTING INTO AND SHE SHOULD THANK YOU FOR MAKING HER WAIT.
"Is it possible to be too attached to your significant other, and too involved in the relationship??"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Anything is possible, but also everything is different for every human all of the time. I don’t know what too attached means to you, but chances are if you’re feeling like you’ve lost a part of yourself, you probably have.
I always suggest making time for yourself REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU FEEL. I know in the beginning it’s all boo all the time, but you can’t do that forever or you’ll completely lose yourself and you’ll blame your booboobear (subconsciously, of course).
You can be as attached or involved as you wanna be as long as you take some time for you. Just a few hours a day or a couple days a week or whatever, get back in touch with your emotions and what not, you know? Humans are soooo difficult, we have to work super hard to understand ourselves, why we do what we do, why we are who we are, why we react the way we react, etc. We are always changing and we have to take that time to grow and understand ourselves. WHICH YOU CAN DO IN A RELATIONSHIP if you take the time to actually do it. So, TAKE THE TIME OR I’LL FIGHT YOU.
Yes, yes, YES – you absolutely can be too involved in your relationship and HERE’S WHAT’S TRICKY: a lot of times you can’t even tell that you need “you” time because you get so used to having all boo-time all the time.
Personally, I think that it should be a relationship rule (A Ruleationship) that you have at least (AT LEAST!!!) one night every week to yourselves. I am the first one to be like BUT I MISSSSS YOU BUT I LOOOOOVE YOU BUT WAH WAH WAH, but let me tell you what… anytime that I take that time alone, I wind up having such an incredible evening.
No matter who we are or how we operate, we all need to sit in the silence that comes from time with ourselves. It is during that time when our brains finally begin to unwind, to think the thoughts that have been hidden underneath all of the to-dos and the immediate needs and plans and STUFF. When we take several hours to sit and be with ourselves, we become bigger and better people.
Sometimes it is easier to do what we know and to spend all of our time in the comfort and presence of the person or people we love the most. Remind yourself diligently that this time is wonderful and valuable, but that you shouldn’t lose track of who you are when you are just YOU.