"Okay, so… I kinda like a girl. And I feel like she might like me too. But she was recently in a relationship with another girl (for like 3-4 months), and I have no idea how long I’m supposed to wait before I’m like ‘hey! So I think you’re awesome and I’m kinda in love. Let’s make out?’. Help?!"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
HEY OKAY LISTEN. I think this is different for every person. Some people will date someone for 5 years and immediately jump into a relationship with someone else the next day. Some people will date humans for like 2 months and then decide it’s better for them to be single for a year. Some people will DO YOU GET IT, DO I HAVE TO KEEP GIVING EXAMPLES? BECAUSE I WILL. We are all diff. I am different from you are different from she is different from oprah, etc.
What do I suggest? Go with your gut, and be respectful. It’s not too hard to be like “I’d love to take you out, but I fully understand you just got out of a relationship and you might not be ready. HOWEVER, when you are ready, I would love to take you on a date.” That way, you leave the ball in her court, but you’ve also put yourself out there. Your ability to be a little bit vulnerable will allow futureboo to check in with herself and figure out what she really wants.
Also, BE CUTE ABOUT IT.
*trumpet flourish* FUTUREBOOOOO! *futureboo flies across computer screen in a bedazzled cape*
(That is what happened to my brain when I read the word futureboo.)
My advice? I agree with being respectful, and I concur that being respectful takes the pressure off of worrying too much in regard to “perfect timing.” If you want at least SOMETHING to go by, then I would suggest waiting at least two weeks before respectfully requesting to be her wife. Or whatever. You get me.
Also, it HAPPENS to be a few days before NEW YEARS EVE so you COULD respectfully say to her: “Hey, I know you are just out of a relationship and if you are bummed on not having anyone to kiss at the stroke of midnight, I would like to volunteer as tribute.”
A suggestion to make out, a respectful moment couched in a holiday, and a Hunger Games reference ALL IN ONE.
You’re welcome. My work is done here.
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Can't Get Over My Ex: "I broke up with my ex a few months ago, but can't move on."
Off & On Relationship: "I’ve been off & on with my gf for years, and I feel stuck… like we aren’t moving forward or backward. What do I do?"
"I had a real thing going on with this one girl, but things have gotten weird and that’s over. I’m having a really hard time not getting sad every once and a while, especially since we are still friends and I see her a lot. How do I fix this?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I think you should let yourself be sad AND I think you should take a break from this girl. I went through a really tough break up a few years ago wherein SRIRACHA (her name bc hot sauce bc burn, get it?) asked me multiple times to NOT attend an event with a bunch of our mutual friends. I was bummed out, I was SO bummed out, I felt v estranged from a bunch of people I had previously had pretty good relationships with, BUT I got it. I totally understood. I hated it, but I understood. You can’t be expected to just be totally okay right after a split, you know? Time passed, and now we are super close. Time and space, y’all.
I’m not suggesting you ask your ex to not attend friend events, maybe that doesn’t make you comfortable. BUT you can back off a little. No one knows your feels the way you know your feels. AND SOMETIMES YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR FEELS, YOU KNOW!?
Skip a few friend events, stop following their facebook feed, mute them on twitter, etc. You don’t have to cut this human out of your life, but taking that space will help you take the time you need to move on. Let yourself be sad, don’t feel dumb for wanting space, be honest about what you need. We’ve all been there and if she isn’t understanding it’s just kind of selfish, you have to do what is best for you.
I think that hits the break-up nail right on the head, y’all.
A lot of times we think we shouldn’t be sad, and we make excuses to ourselves to get what we want in the moment even though we KNOW what is ultimately best for us. Brains are tricky little assholes.
So, first things first (#imtherealest): You have to be honest with yourself. When you know that this girl is going to be at a place, you have to check in with that honesty and say, “Yes, I want to go. Yes, I wish I could go. But, I am going to skip it, because I know this is temporary and seeing her will only make me feel worse.”
It SOUNDS simple as pie (why is pie simple?), but we all know that it requires about the same amount of effort as climbing Mount Really-High. I couldn’t think of a good high mountain that started with Mount and I really wanted to say Mount. Is Mount Hood big? Do you all know what Mount Ranier is? Anyway, you get my point. OH MOUNT HELEN — MOUNT HELEN IS HIGH RIGHT?
A huge part of this is mustering up that strength each time you feel like you might slip, and an even huger part is time. I know, I know. No one wants to hear that… but that’s why we have really sad music and tissues and best friends.
ps: i looked up those mountains and it’s called mount st helen and im sorry. i apparently need a lesson on land masses. or whatever.
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"My girlfriend and I broke up, and I really hate her, however my sexual attraction to her hasn’t gotten the memo, so I always find myself talking to her even though I really don’t want to. How do you handle something like this?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I’d like to challenge you to not use the word “hate,” because I think it’s super emotionally damaging TO YOUR OWN BRAIN / EMOTIONS to feel something so negative. I also think it probably contributes to you wanting to fornicate with her.
Love and Hate are the two most passionate emotions, they’re essentially the same thing. So, if you’re focused on hating you’re ex, you’re giving her as much energy as you would be if you were focused on loving her. AKA, SHE IS WINNING.
I think you should draw the line. If this person isn’t making you feel awesome and loved and appreciated, etc. Don’t talk to them for a while. I think you can TOTALLY get to a place where being friends is possible (in fact, in a lot of cases the new friendship will be THE BEST), but I think you need time. You have to stand your ground.
Tell her you can’t talk for a while and STICK TO IT. It will be hard as hell. It will be so difficult, but it’s one of those stupid idiot life things we all have to go through. It’s annoying and it’ll make your stomach hurt, but you have to do what’s best for you. Being all lusty after someone who doesn’t treat you right is no what’s best for you. I PROMISE.
Agree and also want to call out that Dannielle said “fornicate” which means she must be at least as old as me by now.
I have a news alert for you: that memo you are waiting for isn’t going to arrive in your sexual attraction mailbox (oops, gross) for quite awhile – so you need to sit down at your desk right this moment and write your own goddamn memo. Put it on a post-it or a napkin or whatever you wish, and write down, “I, [YOURNAME] SOLEMNLY SWEAR BY THIS DATE ON MAY 12, 2014 THAT I SHALT NOT DO ANY MAKING OUT, CLOTHED, NAKED, OR VIRTUAL, WITH OWLEY (your ex) BECAUSE IT IS NOT GOOD FOR MY HEART OR MY SOUL. IF I VIOLATE THIS AGREEMENT I WILL OWE KRISTIN AND DANNIELLE A DONATION OF $750.”
Then, you sign it. Then, you have a close friend sign it. Then, you hang it on your bathroom mirror UNTIL the day you see it and the thought of making out with OWLEY makes you shake your head and laugh, because you no longer hate or love her, you just know that you are going to find another human (or already have) who makes you very happy and also gives you all the sex memos you need.
If I see a donation of $750 come through over the summer, WE SHALL KNOW WHAT IS UP.
Bottom line here is commit to making the right choice, stay strong, use your friends as backup defense, and keep redirecting your focus elsewhere.
Oh, and Dannielle’s right. Throw that hate in the compost bin. #reducereuserecycle