, , , , , , , , , ,

"Is 'uhauling' a bad idea? I hooked up with someone I was casual friends with for the first time just over a week ago, and it was like something clicked. We've been hanging out and/or talking every day and it's just so easy and wonderful and makes me really happy. I really really like her and for the first time feel like I've found something that I really want to become serious and really want to last. But if one of my friends were doing this I'd tell her to cool it and take her time. Thoughts??"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Ooooookay okay okay okay great news: you just answered YOUR OWN QUESTION. Let me help you find it. Ready:

“If one of my friends were doing this I’d tell her to cool it and take her time.” – you, just now, being very wise.

“I’d like to move in with a girl who I made out with for the first time one week ago.” – you, just now, being not-nearly-as-wise.

U-Hauling, so to speak, is a term oft used to describe lesbians who move in together quickly. Now, “quickly” is a relative term (as is “lesbians” wheee), so I can’t really place a judgement on the entire PRACTICE of U-Hauling (and like, let’s be clear, we could probably all have a nice sit-down chat about the roots and usage of the phrase and get a good rousing back and forth going on our related feelings, but for now ADVICE). What I can say to you, Anon, is that ONE WEEK IS TOO FAST FOR GOD’S SAKE. That might even be too fast to be called U-Hauling. Maybe that would be called Rocketshipping. Or something.

You are having a GREAT time. That is GREAT.

How. Ever. This is akin to you discovering you love jelly beans, and then going to the store to buy 100 bags of jellybeans, then painting your room with jelly beans, then buying a jelly bean costume, then composing a song about jelly beans, then renaming yourself jelly bean. Chances are, jelly bean, you’re gonna hate jellybeans reaaaaaallll quick after that spree.

If you love jelly beans so much, just get yourself some jelly beans and sit down on a comfy couch and be like *snacking noises* MMMMMMM I love jelly beans! Applying this to your current situation, you can just sit down on a comfy couch with girl-you-adore and be like *kissing noises* MMMMMM I love girl-you-adore! YOU CAN EVEN CALL HER JELLY BEAN!

My point (I have one!) is that you can enjoy a good thing without having to take all of the steps to commitment-land right this very instance. In fact, you moving in so quickly makes me feel like you’re panicked that it might slip away… and I can’t say this strongly enough: moving in together does not mean you are securing a forever. Hell, marrying someone and even having babies with them doesn’t secure a forever. Nothing secures a forever, which is why falling in love is so terrifying and wonderful all at the same damn time!!

I advise you to enjoy this person. I advise you to feel terrified every minute, and to feel glorious every minute, and to imagine your wonderful castle in the clouds that you will build out of cotton candy some day. I advise you to appreciate the tiny, wonderful parts of not living together now, because once you move in, those tiny, wonderful parts won’t be there anymore! Do you know how much I miss getting ready for a date and showing up and being like BADOW DON’T I LOOK FLY?!?! Now my wife watches me toss clothing all over all the rooms while I hunt for the perfect outfit, or she just gets to hang out with me in sweatpants bc why not?! You’ll get to sweatpant-land, too, don’t worry (and there are parts that are lovely), but enjoy the now while you are in it!!!!!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Unpack your bags. Kiss the girl you love.

05.11.2016
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , , ,

"I’m saving myself for marriage. The problem with that is that the stereotypical lesbian relationship always mentions sex. I don’t think any woman will want to be with me if we aren’t having sex. It’s like how it is with straight relationships sometimes: I want to take things slow. I don’t want to move in with a woman until we’ve been together for a year. I don’t want to have sex until I’m married. And I’m allergic to cats. Help?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Re: Cat allergy. Load up on Zyrtec, talk to your doctor, get those allergy shots, etc. IDK but I can’t imagine my life without Janet (my cat), so if you plan to date me, you’ll have to figure it out.

Re: Sexy time. Any human being who you would want to marry would be the kind of human who respects your decisions and understands your feels. You know?

It’s hard to wrap your brain around that idea. Especially because I’m sure you’ll meet people that you’re SUPER into and you’ll say “hey, I don’t want to have sex just yet for THESE REASONS” and then they’d be like “oh then eff that I want sex now.” BUT those aren’t the only people in the world, those aren’t the only people you’ll be attracted to, and we all have to make compromises for relationships.

You wanting to wait, is the same as someone who likes a certain kind of sex. You have to communicate about all things bedroom related. No two people think the exact same way about sex. It’s about passion, respect, love, compromise, and being open to communicating all your feels without fear of being judged. I mean, that’s a relationship in general.

We all have our things, you know? We have things we want and need in relationships and when it comes down to it, your partner has to be down with your things the same way you have to be down with theirs.

Kristin Says:

I understand why you feel the way that you do, and it makes me angry at the way that this world often declares what is “normal” and thereby what we should be ashamed of about ourselves, our needs, our bodies, and more.

Just as this world tends to tell us that gender is a binary and relationships should adhere to that binary through pairing members of the “opposite sex” (*eye roll*), so, too, does this world tell us that all relationships are founded on getting naked and DOING IT.

Only human beings could get so serious about something that they also call ‘DOING IT,’ you know?!?!

What you perceive is only true as far as it can be printed in a magazine… it’s not the kind of truth that you’ll find in actual practice with actual people. We all have very unique bodies and minds, and those bodies and minds want specific things at specific times, period. What’s more, when we connect with someone, we also reflect on our own desires and interests in relation to that person. You will meet some people, like Dannielle said, who want things that you do not want. Just as is the case with any other facet of our identity, you will navigate that difference, and see what it means for each of you. Sometimes, it will mean that you end the relationship. However, you will find that many other times, it means that you learn to connect in a way that is specific (and satisfying) for you both!

Don’t be ashamed of who you are, or what you want — ever. The fact that you are in touch with your sexuality enough to know what you want is a huge testament to you as a person.

Also… NOT MOVING IN WITH SOMEONE UNTIL YOU’VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A YEAR IS… THAT IS WHAT… THAT SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED BIZARRE. CMON YALL.

Lastly… I second Dannielle’s Zyrtec plan. <3

***

Hi! Our advice is always free for all to read & watch. Help us keep this gay ship chuggin’ by donating as little as $1/month over here on Patreon. xo

10.22.2014
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

"I did something terrible and snooped on a Facebook chat my girlfriend was having with an ex. I know it was wrong, but I saw her tell him that she’s been considering breaking up with me but hasn’t because I’m ‘too nice.’ It’s a shock b/c she’s always loving up on me and we recently made plans to move in together! I feel like I need to talk to her about it but don’t know how to start. Any suggestions?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

YEESH. Part a. YEESH. It’s like, you snooped. You snoopz you looze… that didn’t work as well as I thought, but my point is your boobear is going to be upset because snooping AUTOMATICALLY implies mistrust.

If you trusted your boobear whole-heartedly, you wouldn’t have felt compelled to look at her Facebook chats at all. It wouldn’t have even occurred to you. This prob is two-fold, (1) something is amiss in your relationship, which is what made you wonder (2) your own insecurities got the best of you and now you feel validated.

AND I feel like (1) can totally feed into (2), which I think that’s might be what’s really going on. I say this because you said “she’s always loving up on me” you didn’t say “we are so in love” or “I am so heartbroken” or “we’ve never had any issues” …You don’t even seem that bummed out about it, tbh. WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE. I think you just need to own up to the fact that things have been feeling off, which is why you were feeling weak / insecure, which is probably why you thought to peep her chats in the first place, which is how you saw what she was saying, which leads to why you are uncomfortable and the two of you need to have a convo.

We all make mistakes, especially when we are feeling insecure or off about something. You snooping will be a hurdle, for sure, but the core of the issue is you and your boo not feeling 100% about your status and that talk needs to happen before you move in together and you just randomly yell “I SAW YOUR FACEBOOKS” while she’s spilling cap’n crunch on her crotch. #capncrunchcrotch

Kristin Says:

Oh yea, please do us all a favor (but mostly yourself), and do not move in with this humanboo until you speak with her about what is up, and do so honestly and whilst being as cool-headed as you can BECAUSE:

While this is certainly a huge yeesh… who the hell knows what kind of conversation she was having with that ex or what her motivations were?! Maybe he’s hurting a bunch and she didn’t know what to say and so she was like YEA WHO EVEN IS HAPPY NOT ME IM NOT HAPPY SO LOOK EVERYTHING IS FINE. That isn’t highly likely, but the thing is you simply cannot know because you discovered this while on a snoop and like Dannielle always says #yousnoopz #youlooze

So: sit your humanboo down and say, “I did something bad and now things are really messy, here is what went down. I was feeling shaky and I fucked up big time and I snooped on your chat and that may be reason enough for you to be furious with me and signal that things aren’t great between us BUT ALSO in my snoop I saw that you were considering breaking up with me so maybe we should talk about all of this.” Then bury your face in the nearest pillow and scream. Then sit up, and talk to her.

People’s feelings are complicated (Avril Lavigne wrote a song about this in 2002), and you cannot get anywhere by snooping (unless you’re my mom in 1994 who found out I let Dan VanWagenen touch my boob while watching the movie ‘Baby’s Day Out’). You must now speak, about your snoopz and about her feels — and the next time you want to snoop, just, well, just watch Baby’s Day Out or something.

Good luck.

***
Hi! Our advice is always free for all to read & watch. Help us keep this gay ship chuggin’ by donating as little as $1/month over here on Patreon. xo

09.22.2014
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , , , ,

"Any advice for dorm room shopping?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I’M SO HAPPY YOU ASKED.

Two things I love (1) shopping (2) saving space.

First of all, Target is a college gold mine. I know it’s semi-annoying to have all the same underbed boxes as everyone else, but who gives an eff AND YOU CAN DECORATE THEM WITH STICKERS. Underbed boxes are cool because you can store your out-of-season clothes in them. AM I THE WORST? WHO AM I.

Target, Ikea, The Container Store, STORAGE IS SO IMPORTANT. Unless you don’t have a lot of shit, in which case, IGNORE ME. I think college dorm is the perfect time to decorate in all of the ways you’ve always wanted to, you can finally put the picture of your friend mooning the camera, you can finally put up a Zoey 101 poster, you can finally have a chalkboard for your friends to draw marijuana leaves on… maybe don’t tho bc who knows what your RA will be mad about. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Fluorescent lighting sucks and will make your selfies look terrible, so get some stringy lights. Keep at least one bowl and one spoon in your dorm bc WE ALL KNOW you’re going to want cereal after the caf is closed and you’ll buy a box and a milks and you’ll get to your room and cry while eating dry cereal bc you didn’t listen to me telling you to buy one bowl and one spoon. Get a smell good candle bc you’re in a small space with cement walls and no ceiling fan (read: similar to jailz).

Keep your shit clean. Anything is cute if its yOU… it’s only not cute if there are bugs or chunky milks or sticky shitz on the floor, etc.

Kristin Says:

EEEE THIS IS SO FUN OKAY HERE GOES:

You may not be able to use candles because everyone is convinced college humans start fires as a hobby (which might hold some truth), so in place of Dannielle’s candle suggestion, might I suggest POTPOURRI?

…you guys.
I am kidding.
Imagine potpourri in a dorm room?
I hope you don’t even know what potpourri is.

Okay so, seriously, though – I know FEBREEZE is like, an invention from the 1840s at this point, but that shit works, and you will thank me when your comforter smells like a comforter and not a butt.

SHOWER MOTHERFUCKING SHOES. Let’s be real here, everyone. No one wants their delicate lovely feet touching the same surface as every other human on your dorm floor. Gross gross gross gross nope thanks bye.

GIANT LAUNDRY BAGS. Laundry in college tends to get done when you have to wrap yourself in an old bedsheet because everything else is dirty, so come prepared.

HOT POT. Do people still use these? This was my all time most prized possession in college. Dining Hall closed? Who TF cares I have my box of mac and cheese and my bathroom sink and my hot pot and my spoon/fork (thanks, Dannielle), and I can eat at 3am IF I WANT TO.

TINY TRAMPOLINE. Everything else was practical, but if I had to tell you the best part of my freshman dormroom from an impractical standpoint, it was my miniature trampoline. It took up about 1/3 of our limited floorspace but it’s COLLEGE WHO CARES, and you could bounce on it or sit on it while writing papers at 3am (3am is a v busy time in college), or invite people over to see it when you really just wanted to make out with them, OR MAKE OUT ON IT… the possibilities are endless.

This has been a great chat.
I want to go back to college.

<3

***

Everyone Is Gay has started a new project to help parents who have LGBTQ kids: Check out The Parents Project!

08.8.2014
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , , , , ,

"So I recently moved across the country with my gf for what I thought would be an amazing adventure. But since we’ve both moved in together things have changed. She’s different, and it’s been an emotional roller coaster. I have no friends here and I hate this city. We’re on the verge of breaking up and she’s crashing with a friend tonight and I feel so lost and hopeless and stuck. How do I get through this? If we break up, how do I not feel like a failure if I move back? I can’t do this alone."

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Riese Bernard as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Riese Says:

You’re not a failure, Doris! (That’s what I’m gonna call you. I’m gonna call you Doris. I was gonna call you Skyler but I changed my mind. You should read Doris Zine! It’s about being a human being just like you which brings me back to my point) You’re a human being! Doris, that’s all you are. Doris, I moved into a condo with my idiot boyfriend when I was 19 and everyone told me it was the worst idea ever and guess what IT WAS. and that’s just the only “time I moved in with somebody but shouldn’t have” story i can tell you on the internet, there are SO MANY MORE!

So Doris the point of this is — don’t feel like a failure. That is the last thing you should be worrying about right now, you’ve got to focus on breaking up and moving out, not on any negative self-talk. This is what life is: we try things, we make mistakes, we get hurt, we feel regret and we learn. Every relationship ends except the last one, you know? I know a ridiculously large number of lesbians who have moved cross-country for love (which I’d advise against, as a rule, but that’s another question, not yours!) and about half the time it works and half the time it doesn’t. I know some people whose “moved to a new place for a girl” stories would make you feel like you just won the relationship olympics, they are so awful.

Anyhow Doris, so what you’re gonna have to do is mobilize. Summon every little scrap of energy you’ve got inside you and funnel that into getting out of there. That’s gonna be hard and exactly how hard — like how often you’ll have to exist in the weird awkward space of we-broke-up-but-you-still-live-here which is THE WORST — will depend a lot on your financial resources and employment situation. I don’t know what those are so getting into specifics would take a long time, but in short — If you can afford it, just move home or move wherever your friends live and sleep on a couch and get a job and start again. If you’ve gotta stick around, definitely look into jobs where you might make friends, if possible, and go to autostraddle meet-ups. I don’t know how social people make new friends in real life, I’ve only made new friends via online, work or school, and I still haven’t made new friends where I live now, so my advice on new friends is laughable, really, BUT holy fuck back in my youth, that post-breakup space was often where I met the most awesome new  people ever — like most of my friends that I have right now — maybe because you’re just more open to things right after you’ve left behind a broken thing. Maybe you’re looking for the next thing, which could be a person or a home or a book or a popsicle. There will be a next thing.

Anyhow this has gotten really long but in short: everything’s gonna be okay, Doris! Break up and move out. It won’t be easy, but it will eventually, one day, be just another story you can tell when somebody asks you for advice.

-Riese

***

Click through to read more about Riese and our other Second Opinions panelists!

03.18.2014
Ask A Question
share:
<<