"My girlfriend is transferring to the University of Miami after I graduate. It is literally the last place in the world I want to be. She says I don’t have any definite plan in the near future, but I’ll have zero things to do besides work a shitty restaurant job somewhere that I don’t want to be in the first place. She’s making me feel like I’ve done something terrible by simply being honest with her. I can’t imagine my life without her. What do I do?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Here is the thing. You’ve already decided in your brain that you will absolutely not be happy if you’re in Miami. So, if you move to Miami… you will be unhappy. You know?
A few things I want you to consider. FIRST AND FOREMOST, you do not have to give up your entire life to be with the person you love. Even if you do decide to suck it up and spend some time in Miami, you’re not wasting time, you’re not giving up on your dreams and you’re not sacrificing your self worth. It’s hard to make a relationship work and we all HAVE TO make compromises at one point or another.
SECOND AND SECONDMOST, you can not rearrange your life to make another person happy and then blame it on them. If you are only going to Miami to be with her, do it because you want to be with her, not because she’s making you feel bad. If the only reason you go is because she made you feel shitty for having hopes and dreams and opinions, you are going for the wrong reasons. Your relationship will only fail from there because every time you have a bad day in Miami you will think “I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for my stupid idiot girlf”
THIRDLY AND THIRDLIEMOST, long distance relationships can work. They can. If you are willing to put the right amount of time and effort into making it happen, it can work. What’s most important in this situation is you both consider one another. You consider what will make the other person happy and you find a compromise. Things won’t be perfect, but if you love each other and you’re both willing to work, things can at least be okay….plus there’s a new iphone app called ‘pair’ that apparently makes LDRz even cuter.
OH MY GOD. I am going to immediately start dating someone in another city just so I can use the “Pair” iPhone app. I JUST LOOKED IT UP AND IT LOOKS SO ADORABLE.
You, dear Anonymous, have outlined a lot of the most important factors of your decision in your question. You do not want to go to Miami. That is a very, very important fact. Now, when emotions and love get involved, it is difficult for us to do what is right for ourselves and for the person we love, and this is apparently what is affecting your boo so much. Whereas the healthy thing to do here would have been to give you your space to think about your decision, to support you and talk openly about your fears, hesitations, and confusions… your boo has emotionally slipped into a place where she is seemingly unable to step back.
So. The first step is to sit her down, to tell her that you love her, to tell her that you will both be able to work through this together, and that what you need from her most of all right now is the space to think about all the different scenarios without her making you feel horribly, horribly guilty for considering all of them.
Explain to her that the most important thing for both of you to always remember in your relationship is that, for the relationship to be healthy, you both have to be happy and content in the knowledge that you have made decisions of your own choosing, and with the support of your partner.
If she cannot give you space, you will not be able to go to Miami, period. If, however, she is able to hear you, if she is able to step back and see the situation as a decision that you making together, you should take that space and consider all of the options. Think about what Miami would be like, think about what home would be like, think about what you want the most, and what would make you happy. Then, talk to her about your decision, and remind her how much it means to you that she was able to give you the space to think things over. If that decision is still that you do not want to go to Miami, hopefully she will be able to understand, and you will be able to work together (again, always) to figure out the best ways to make it work.
Anything is possible when we respect and work to understand the people that we love.