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“When I get a boner sometimes I think of some of my male friends while masturbating but I don't like them in that way, also I'm going through puberty so dos that have anything to do with it?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I’m totally alone in my hotel room whisper-screaming ‘SO-DOS, SO-DOS’ …soooooo…ALSO, i’m going to use this opportunity to think of as many alternative ways of saying ‘masturbate’ as possible…get ready.


ANYWAY, when I was young and crazy #afewmonthsago, I used to refer to Hormones as (w)hor(e)mones. b/c like…they make you crazy and you want to hump everything. FROM WHAT I HEAR….*ahem* The thing about squeezing the cactus that people don’t talk about is what you think about when you do it. NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. One time I was in a group of new friends and they were like ‘LETS GO AROUND THE CIRCLE AND SAY OUR NAMES, OUR SIGNS AND WHAT WE THINK ABOUT WHEN WE SMACKTHEBLANKET’ and I was like ‘I AM A GIRL AND THIS IS EMBARASSING’ but some people said celebrities, some people said cartoons, some people said daily chores and some people said random hotties…The point is, it doesn’t matter.

Sexi is Sexi is Sexi is Sexi #indiebandname You’ll think about johnny today and suzy tomorrow. Then you’ll randomly be thinking about harry potter in that naked horse show he did. Then you’ll accidentally think about your old teacher. Then you’ll think about how to carve a sexy lady out of an old cabinet door. Then you’ll think about your closest friend. It’s like, I’m a total gaywad, you guys, but if a really dreamy couple on the TVbox start to get hotnheavy #rachelmcadamsandryangosling I’m like ‘OMG I TOTES HAVE A BONER RIGHT NOW’ you know?

We all have whoremones and sexi feelings and these sexi feelings are triggered by pretty much anything sexi, or anything not sexi…esp when we’re PUNCHING THE BOULDER. You know?

Don’t worry about it, if you had a crush on them or you wanted to put your boner on them, you would know…Then you’d be like ‘EVERYONE IS GAY I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND’ and we’d be like ‘word, tell them or don’t. you know?’


Kristin Says:

It legitimately took me the past seven minutes to figure out what the hell “SO-DOS, SO-DOS, SO-DOS” meant.  Like, I thought about the different ways to pronounce it so that it might mean something, and then I thought maybe Dannielle made a typo and meant “SO-DOES,” but that still didn’t make sense, and then I googled it and found a nightclub in Colorado…and THEN…I realized that Anonymous had made a typo and Dannielle was just making fun of it.  So.

Onward to feedin’ the ducks.  First of all, helllllll yes, going through puberty has something to do with your brain falling out of your ear and making your thoughts dance around from origami unicorns to Jessica Smith’s boobs to a sweaty armpit to reruns of I Love Lucy while you are adjusting the sundial.  Know, at the very least, that you will go through periods of time in your life that are a little less fraught with crazy chemicals.

That said, Dannielle is totally right, both in her realization that the phrase “punching the boulder,” is the funniest one of all, and in her declaration that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THESE THINGS.  It’s like, puberty-chemicals or no puberty-chemicals, our brains are the weirdest things ever, and they only get weirder when we play flute solos.  You know?!  Especially because we have this whole roster of things that we aren’t supposed to think about, so like, OF COURSE those are the things that will pop into our minds.

If I tell you all not to think about my cat licking his butt the next time you kiss your girlfriend….GUESS WHAT YOU ARE ALL GOING TO THINK ABOUT THE NEXT TIME YOU KISS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?!?!?!  Also, “kissing your girlfriend” was not meant as a euphimism, I legit meant kissing your girlfriend.

My point is similar to Dannielle’s: you will know if you like your male friends.  If you happen to be doing the macarena and suddenly you think about your best friend kissing your ear…you just have to be like, “Hm. That’s interesting,” and see what happens next.  If you aren’t into your friend like that, you’ll just move on to the next image and the next and the next until suddenly you stumble on one that makes everything go according to plan.



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"Let me try this again. Its not my friend I was talking about its me. Im gay. Been gay for a while now...In a relationship, also for a while now. 2 years to be exact. Great girl, great relationship. But when I pleasure myself, I usually think about guys doing the pleasuring. What is that all about? Advice please gay gurus."

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

{since I’m more tumblr savvy than Kristin, I deleted the question where you asked the exact same thing and pretended you were asking about a friend, which btw…this is anonymous…sooooooo}

MOVING ON…I want to start by saying if you like to put your mouth on a girls “ay-oh!” you’re not straight, so don’t worry. Also, some people think about way creepier things, like dead people, and squirrels, and girls with no teeth and scrunchies. Some people think about their grocery lists and empty beer cans. Some people think about celebs and cartoons. Some people think about boiz (eeeee!!!!)

…see how not big of deal that is? Don’t freak out just because you’re fantasizing about getting pounded by a greased up macho Fabio-type (SICK). Everyone has a THING, and it is totally possible this is just your THING.

Kristin Says:

I’m going to do my best to answer this without using the word penetration BECAUSE IT MAKES ME GAG, but Dannielle’s alternative, “pounded,” is equally disturbing.  So bear with me as I try to get all Dr. Ruth on this shit:

Some people have penises and others have vaginas.  Some girls like the way penises feel in their vaginas, some girls like their partners to HAVE vaginas, but also still like the idea of a penis in their vagina, and some girls think about having their own penis to put in other girls’ vaginas.  There are about a million other combinations of things both related and unrelated to penises and vaginas (see earlier squirrel/beer can discussion), and none of them really have to mean that you are strictly gay or straight, see?  If thinking about penises makes you happy, HAVE AT IT. It doesn’t negate your attraction to your girlfriend in the least, and it certainly doesn’t define your sexuality.

Also, if it’s a “greased up macho Fabio-type” that you are fantasizing about, we need to address a whole separate set of issues.

(Really, Dannielle?! FABIO?!)