“When I get a boner sometimes I think of some of my male friends while masturbating but I don't like them in that way, also I'm going through puberty so dos that have anything to do with it?”
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I’m totally alone in my hotel room whisper-screaming ‘SO-DOS, SO-DOS’ …soooooo…ALSO, i’m going to use this opportunity to think of as many alternative ways of saying ‘masturbate’ as possible…get ready.
ALSO, DAD DON’T READ THIS.
ANYWAY, when I was young and crazy #afewmonthsago, I used to refer to Hormones as (w)hor(e)mones. b/c like…they make you crazy and you want to hump everything. FROM WHAT I HEAR….*ahem* The thing about squeezing the cactus that people don’t talk about is what you think about when you do it. NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. One time I was in a group of new friends and they were like ‘LETS GO AROUND THE CIRCLE AND SAY OUR NAMES, OUR SIGNS AND WHAT WE THINK ABOUT WHEN WE SMACKTHEBLANKET’ and I was like ‘I AM A GIRL AND THIS IS EMBARASSING’ but some people said celebrities, some people said cartoons, some people said daily chores and some people said random hotties…The point is, it doesn’t matter.
Sexi is Sexi is Sexi is Sexi #indiebandname You’ll think about johnny today and suzy tomorrow. Then you’ll randomly be thinking about harry potter in that naked horse show he did. Then you’ll accidentally think about your old teacher. Then you’ll think about how to carve a sexy lady out of an old cabinet door. Then you’ll think about your closest friend. It’s like, I’m a total gaywad, you guys, but if a really dreamy couple on the TVbox start to get hotnheavy #rachelmcadamsandryangosling I’m like ‘OMG I TOTES HAVE A BONER RIGHT NOW’ you know?
We all have whoremones and sexi feelings and these sexi feelings are triggered by pretty much anything sexi, or anything not sexi…esp when we’re PUNCHING THE BOULDER. You know?
Don’t worry about it, if you had a crush on them or you wanted to put your boner on them, you would know…Then you’d be like ‘EVERYONE IS GAY I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND’ and we’d be like ‘word, tell them or don’t. you know?’
It legitimately took me the past seven minutes to figure out what the hell “SO-DOS, SO-DOS, SO-DOS” meant. Like, I thought about the different ways to pronounce it so that it might mean something, and then I thought maybe Dannielle made a typo and meant “SO-DOES,” but that still didn’t make sense, and then I googled it and found a nightclub in Colorado…and THEN…I realized that Anonymous had made a typo and Dannielle was just making fun of it. So.
Onward to feedin’ the ducks. First of all, helllllll yes, going through puberty has something to do with your brain falling out of your ear and making your thoughts dance around from origami unicorns to Jessica Smith’s boobs to a sweaty armpit to reruns of I Love Lucy while you are adjusting the sundial. Know, at the very least, that you will go through periods of time in your life that are a little less fraught with crazy chemicals.
That said, Dannielle is totally right, both in her realization that the phrase “punching the boulder,” is the funniest one of all, and in her declaration that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THESE THINGS. It’s like, puberty-chemicals or no puberty-chemicals, our brains are the weirdest things ever, and they only get weirder when we play flute solos. You know?! Especially because we have this whole roster of things that we aren’t supposed to think about, so like, OF COURSE those are the things that will pop into our minds.
If I tell you all not to think about my cat licking his butt the next time you kiss your girlfriend….GUESS WHAT YOU ARE ALL GOING TO THINK ABOUT THE NEXT TIME YOU KISS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?!?!?! Also, “kissing your girlfriend” was not meant as a euphimism, I legit meant kissing your girlfriend.
My point is similar to Dannielle’s: you will know if you like your male friends. If you happen to be doing the macarena and suddenly you think about your best friend kissing your ear…you just have to be like, “Hm. That’s interesting,” and see what happens next. If you aren’t into your friend like that, you’ll just move on to the next image and the next and the next until suddenly you stumble on one that makes everything go according to plan.