"My girlfriend has major jealousy issues but I’ve never done anything to make her not trust me. I’m getting really tired of having to explain myself, any advice?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Here is the thing about the thing.
Your girlfriend’s jealousy has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with her own insecurities. So, you can’t really battle any of that by explaining yourself. Believe you me, I have had a number of conversations where I’m all ‘I’M NOT CHEATING ON YOU GET OVER YOURSELF’ and that helps no one.
If you can step back from the conversations slash yellversation (yelling conversation) and say ‘hey, is there something I’m specifically doing that makes you feel uncomfortable?’ If she says ‘yes, you tell your friends you love them’ then you can say ‘oh, ok, well we just have always said that, we’re best friends there are no feelings there I promise’ you have said your piece and we can move on to the next step (ALSO, if you ask her the above and she says ‘not really, i’m just nervous about us and I get freaked out that you might like someone more than me’ YOU CAN STILL MOVE ON TO THE NEXT STEP)…which is as follows: explain to her that it’s okay to be jealous and it’s okay to talk about the jealousy.
A lot of times, when we feel jealous we also feel stupid / like we’re not supposed to feel jealous so we don’t say anything until we’ve obsessed over the situation for 3 weeks, then we explode. If she knows that you understand everyone gets jealous and we all just need to talk about it, it’ll make her feel a little better. AND when she does flip out, don’t flip back, simply say ‘hey, i promise you have nothing to worry about, but also if you wanna talk about how that girl just hit on me and it was really rude and gross, we can do that.’ Generally, people just want you to understand where they’re coming from, if she feels understood she’ll feel a lot more comfy.
BIG UPS FOR VALIDATING PEOPLE’S FEELINGS.
You guys… remember when people used to say big ups? Am I four hundred years old? What’s going on? WHERE ARE WE?
Anyway… the short answer here is: Stop explaining yourself.
The best thing you can do in this situation is to do the things you would normally do (ie: sleep over a friend’s house or go to the movies with your besties), and when boobear shouts and/or pouts, you need to say, “Okay, let’s talk about these feelings. I know that having a sleep over is a fun thing that I like to do, I know it’s important to me to share experiences with my friends, and I understand that sometimes that is hard for you. I am absolutely here to listen, but I am not going to give you excuses, and I am not going to change my plans, because I know that in doing that I am going to hurt us as a couple, and I love you to much to let that happen.”
You don’t have to use those EXACT words, but the fact of the matter is: NO ONE should change their behavior or feel that they have to ‘answer to’ anyone or ‘explain themselves’ unless they are rolling around naked with their friends. You have to be firm in what you believe to be right, and let your boo know that you are always there for her to help her explore those feelings.
Do not make her feel stupid or childish for feeling jealous.
Do be strong in your needs as her partner and facilitate conversations.
If she cannot have a conversation with you when you are adhering to the above, and still continues to make you feel less-than, it might be worth considering leaving the relationship. Sometimes there are really great boobears who need a little more time to grow themselves before they are ready to be a true partner to someone else.