"How can I be cool and casual and chill at college parties and hooking up, when I'm the least cool, casual, or chill person ever?"
- Question submitted by anonymous
Let me tell you what: I am not cool or casual or chill. I won’t ever be any of those things because I have some social anxiety and also I have a lot of feelings and also mostly when I dance I just fling my arms about the room and bob my head.
Let me tell you what else: Probably at least a few of you think I am cool and casual and chill… even though I am like HAHAHAHAHA NOPE. I have scientific data on this because the other night I went to dinner with an Everyone Is Gay reader who is starting her freshman year of college and during our dinner she said she thought I was cool... And, in response, I laughed just like I did up there, in all caps, but in person because she was sitting across the table from me.
Point being: No matter how “uncool” or “not casual” or “really the opposite of chill” you are… the right people will still thing you are the fucking coolest, best, raddest person there is. You see, that is how we find each other! We see a person flinging their arms about the room and we are like OH THANK GOD ANOTHER ARM FLINGER IS HERE, and then we talk about Harry Potter or we talk about manicures or we talk about denim or we talk about Tegan & Sara or we talk about the earth orbiting through space or we talk about the X-Files or we talk about The Bachelorette. We find people who think we are cool as we are, because, well, we are cool and also “cool” is relative.
What you need, Anon, is to do all the parties you want and skip the ones you don’t, and work at being YOU. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s fucking real as shit. I am still struggling to do this, myself. Sometimes I write things here or I take a selfie for Instagram and I am frozen with all those voices saying, “You are so so so not cool, don’t you know how uncool you are?!”
Work with me to say, “Cool is relative, and I am me.”
I promise to post my pictures and write my advice as ME if you promise to kiss those babes and go to those parties as YOU.
"Please provide list of rules when entering into a Friends With Benefits SITUATION. Thank you."
- Question submitted by Anonymous
LOLOLOL. I like you because you asked this question as if there is a direct and not-at-all-complicated answer. HERE IS A LIST I MADE UP JUST NOW.
1. Mix CDs – don’t make ‘em for one another.
2. Feels – do a weekly check in to make sure you are on the same page before you sex.
3. Boundaries – if there are certain things that make you feel too coupley, like holding hands or cuddling or sleep overs or watching Lifetime movies, don’t do those things.
4. ARE YOU TOTALLY OKAY IF YOUR FWB MAKES OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE!??! Keep checking in and make sure this is the case.
5. Don’t buy them presents.
6. Don’t sleep together every night.
7. Don’t make your facebook relationship status “It’s complicated with… “
8. Don’t awkwardly introduce them as your “uh… friend? i guess??LOL” to people.
9. DON’T SAY I LOVE YOU.
10. If you don’t wanna share your Doritos and they’re like “come on share with me” stick to your guns bc the whole point of NOT being in a relationship is NOT having to share your Doritos.
I deem this a comprehensive and educated list of rules. My list, therefore, is brief:
1. Follow Dannielle’s list of rules
2. Give me a fucking Dorito
"How should I feel after a friends with benefits weekend?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Depends on where you are in your life and what you want and stuff. I CAN’T DO THAT EVER. I can’t be physical with a human unless I want to like marry them and have their babies and introduce them to my family and write about them in my journal and tell them all my deepest darkest secrets and giggle and do manicures and cry in their arms, etc.
hOWEVZZ, I think I’m a special case and I think people do friends with benies all the time and it works. If you feel good, that is awesome and you should absolutely feel good. Don’t feel like you HAVE to want a relationship with someone just because other people want that, ya know?
Also, check in with you and be honest with yourself. If you’re starting to have feels for the friend and the friend isn’t feeling the same feels, it’s okay to put a stop to the benefits to protect your heart. AND VICE VERSA.
I, like Dannielle, generally attach all my feels to mashing mouths with someone else. I don’t know why, but it’s always been really hard for me to be “just friends” when it comes with “benefits.”
That, however, has literally nothing to do with you.
Because your name isn’t Kristin Russo… and it isn’t Dannielle Owens-Reid. Unless this is some weird time-travel situation. In which case, can you tell 1999-me that I should stop wearing that knee-length denim jacket? Thanks.
You should feel however you feel. Period.
I know that might seem like a cop-out answer, but you guys, we are the only people who can determine how we feel about things… and those feelings are valid just by the very nature of the fact that we are feeling them!
If you feel like your heart is getting involved, either put the brakes on the physical stuff (to protect your heart), or have a conversation about how you are struggling to keep the friendship separate from the heart-feels. If you are having a great time and your feelings are all, “This is great! Boners Without Borders!” or whatever, that is amazing! Keep the benefits coming and make sure you’re also clear about how great this friends-with-bennies situation is (just in case the other party might be developing feels).
You’re doing great.
Three cheers for makin’ out!
My boyfriend told me he has hooked up with guys in the past but he is straight and wants to be with me. should I believe him?
- Question submitted by Rachel
You know, I’ve been in a situation like this before. I was dating a girl who was really upset by the fact that I had hooked up with a couple of guys not too terribly long before we’d started dating.
On the one hand, I totally got her point, it was weird for her because she’s always assumed I was gay and I’d only ever liked girls and ALL OF A SUDDEN I was like ‘LOL I KISS BOYS’ and she felt like she kind of didn’t know me.
On the other hand, it was in my past. I wasn’t making out with boys in that moment and I had no interest. It made me pretty upset, to be honest, because I was with HER. I wanted to be with her and only her. Forget about all the genders of the long list of people I’ve made out with in the past, I was ONLY making out with her and that’s what should have mattered.
That’s what I think you should focus on, your boyfriend being with you. Who cares who he’s dated in the past? Who cares if he used to like some guys? He is with you because he wants to be with you, trust him.
I agree one million percent.
I think that there is a HUGE stigma placed on men, especially, where if they have interest in other men it seems impossible to a lot of human beings that they would have any interest in ladies as well. I am not sure exactly where that comes from, but I am a huge believer in the fact that at the end of the day we are all people with feelings and brains and hearts and emotions, and that most of us simply don’t fall in any one “category” when it comes to sexuality.
This is about you trusting your partner. If you feel that you can’t trust him because of factors that you haven’t shared with us, then that needs more reflection on your end. If, however, you do trust him but just think that it might not be possible for a boy to like boys and also girls, then I can help ease your worries: they can, and they do.
I think it is wonderful that he felt close enough to you to trust you with another part of himself, another experience in his life that meant something to him. I say, trust him, thank him for his openness, and remain open to each other’s feelings – you can tell him about some of your confusions and ask questions! Just be open to dialogue and remember that him liking boys doesn’t mean he can’t like girls. That’s just plain silly
"I want to make out with someone’s face. How do I tell the difference between wanting to do this because I’m genuinely interested, and wanting to do this because I’m horny?"
-Question submitted by Anonymous
You guys, I have literally gchatted in my BFF in a complete frenzy of emotions and said ‘IS SHE PRETTY OR WEIRD LOOKING, I CAN’T TELL, DO I HAVE A CRUSH ON HER OR WHAT, WHAT’S HAPPENING?!?!’
It’s a thing we all go through, right? That moment where you’re like ‘omg i totally wanna make out with you so much’ and then you accidentally end up dating that person for three weeks before you’re like ‘WAIT I ONLY WANTED TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU HOW DID THIS HAPPEN’ and then you break up and you get to say you once had a three week relationship…
I have no idea how to tell the difference. I guess just check in with yourself and when you look at someone and giggle bc they’re cute and they TOTALLY CHECKED YOU OUT just think to yourselfmaking out doesn’t have to mean dating… Hopefully, after or during your make out sesh you will know whether or not you actually want to be making out with them… right?
SAWRY I CAN’T FIX HORMONES.
I mean… you make out with their face and you take it from there.
Who can ever tell if they want to mash mouths because they have feelings or because they have feeeeeeellllinnnngggs or because they have a boner? THE ANSWER IS MOSTLY NOBODY.
My life advice is always, if you wanna make out and they wanna make out and there is no reason to not make out, then MAKE. OUT.
After you make out, see if you want to make out more, and before and after (and maybe even during) make out time, you will usuallystart to talk to the other human and you will start to get a feel for your feelings. So long as you aren’t telling the other person that you plan to date / love / engage / marry their face in the future, I don’t think there is anything wrong with figuring out that after three make out sessions you aren’t into dating them in the long-term.
HAPPY MAKE OUT FRIDAY EVERYONE.