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“I’m genderqueer, and my friend has been super supportive…up until I came out as asexual as well. She keeps asking me if I’m sure I’m really asexual or if it’s just because I’m genderqueer or ‘confused’ about my gender. What do I say to her?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Kara Kratcha as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Kara Says:

Dear anonymous friend,

How are you? I hope you and your genderqueer ace self are doing well enough and avoiding all of the nonsense that sometimes comes with existing as a genderqueer and/or ace person. I’m sure you’re great and that you’re doing a great job.

Anyway, I have to admit that this kind of reaction to a combination of queer identities in one human frustrates and confuses me. There doesn’t seem to be any reason an ace identity should invalidate a genderqueer (or nonbinary or trans) identity. More broadly, there doesn’t seem to be any reason a sexual identity should invalidate a gender identity or vise versa.

That said, I am a human who has gone to great lengths to educate themselves about queer sexualities and genders and I bet you are too, so maybe your first move should be to explain some terms to your friend. I know you have probably already done some of this. I know you might find this a little more exhausting every time you have to do it (I know I do).

Still, there’s so much confusion in the world about the difference between gender and sexuality that sometimes we have to explain ourselves if we want to be understood. Once I told a coworker that I was doing research about asexuality and narrative. He responded with a monologue about how gender roles are collapsing in the United States and that the difference between men and women is disappearing and isn’t that a shame? I think he thought we were talking about agender people or maybe trans people generally. In any case, we did not share a vocabulary about the topic we were supposedly discussing and therefore could not communicate about it. If you want to be able to talk with your friend about your identity, you may have to establish a common vocabulary.

(You should also remember that you have not failed if you decide that you cannot or do not want to explain yourself until you are understood right now. Both asexuality and genderqueerness are complicated topics, and combining them makes them even more complicated and difficult to explain to someone who has never experienced them. In the situation with my coworker, I decided that making myself understood wasn’t worth it. You may decide differently with your friend, but that’s your call.)

The other reason I am so baffled by your friend’s reaction to your aceness and genderqueerness, dear anon, is because I myself experience my ace identity and my nonbinary identity as intertwined and inseparable. My gender complements and complicates my sexuality in ways I continue to discover. I don’t know what it’s like for you, but I find the gender binary in relation to sexual activity a lot like a fruit fly infestation: always buzzing in the background, sometimes hard to see from a distance, and almost impossible to get rid of. Even the concept of “gay sex” relies on the idea that the people involved conform to the same end of a binary gender system.

Even more frustratingly, sometimes perceptions of gay sex fall into “masculine” and “feminine” roles. I recently told someone that I am into girls and thereby implied that I’m gay or maybe bi (this, by the way, is a strategy I use when being read as a straight girl in gay spaces gets to be too much for me but I don’t feel safe explaining how I actually identify) and their first response was to ask if I’m a top or a bottom. Yuck!

By asking this question, this person presumes that all people who have same-sex interactions take on one binary gender role in sex all the time. As you perhaps perceive, my nonbinary trans identity and my ace identity are interacting here in ways that are difficult for me to pick apart. Does that response to my perceived identity squick me out because I don’t want to have to identify as top (coded masculine) or bottom (coded feminine)? Or because I don’t want to be associated with sex acts I’m not performing? Or because the gendering of sex makes it difficult for me to access it as something I want at all? I don’t know, but I’m definitely sure it makes me uncomfortable. If you have had similar experiences, maybe you would like to share them with your friend so that she can think about how the labels you use make up one whole person who experiences the world from multiple standpoints all at once.

Thinking about my gender identity and my sexual identity together often brings up more questions than answers for me, but that doesn’t mean that I’m confused about one or the other or both. My guess is that you feel similarly at least some of the time. If your friend is really your friend, then you should be able to engage in identity uncertainty and exploration with her and leave feeling that your identity is still valid. Alternately, maybe you feel entirely certain about who you are and what that means, in which case I think you should tell your friend who you are and what that means as clearly as you can and hope she takes you at your word. If she doesn’t, then maybe you should reconsider whether this person is capable of supporting and loving you the way a friend should.

All of the best,



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“How do you distinguish friend feelings from romantic feelings?”

Question Submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:


It’s like, sometimes you meet a human and you’re like, ‘They seem cool, maybe I will see them around some time,’ but then other times you meet a human and you’re like ‘OMG STOP STOP WHY ARE THEY SO COOL I WANT TO TALK TO THEM ALL THE TIME DO YOU THINK THEY WILL HANG OUT WITH ME EVERY DAY ALL DAY?!’ and then still other times you meet a human and you’re like, ‘Must. Mash. My face. On. Their face. Now now now must mash faces.’

Simply put: sometimes you wanna be friends, sometimes you wanna make out, and sometimes there’s this spot that’s neither here nor there where you’re like crushing on them so hard but you’re also like what does it all mean do I want to cuddle with them or bone them or talk all night with them or just like get a photobooth photo with them and call it a day?

And what’s so messed up about ALL OF THIS, is that there shouldn’t have to be rules that demarcate what makes a friend a friend and a romance a romance and a bone a bone. I don’t think having sex with someone creates a deeper connection than cuddling with a person or sharing your deepest darkest secrets while eating ice cream together and watching bad movies. All of those things make us feel vulnerable in different (and important) ways, and create important and meaningful bonds.

So what I think is that you should hang out with this human as much as you want to hang out with this human, and have fun with them and maybe feel those loopy feelings where you’re like OH COOL YOU CAN HANG OUT AGAIN TOMORROW OH GOD WHY AM I SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT AH AH AHHHHH and then you just see where things go. For a long time I thought that having those loopy feelings meant I also must want to make out or bone or whatever, but I don’t feel that way anymore. I think that this world has done a bang-up job of consistently teaching us to understand our feelings on a binary, and I am so fucking over binaries!

It isn’t friend or romance, it isn’t gay or straight, it isn’t boy or girl. We have different relationships with different humans over the course of time and if you are SO INTO THIS PERSON, why figure out what it all means? It means you found another human who you connect with, and that is fucking incredible. It is such an amazing thing when we meet people who make us laugh, who understand us before we even explain ourselves, who listen to us, and whose company makes us feel FUCKING AWESOME.

I think this person can be a million different things, and only time and an open mind can really tell you what it all means. Oh, and bonus prize! It might mean they are a BFF today and a romance tomorrow and in forty years you decide they make a good bone-buddy. WHO. KNOWS.


Dannielle Says:


I don’t think of sex, romance, and friendships the same way, at all. In fact, I think it’s complicated to compare sex and telling secrets. Not only because sex feels very personal and intimate to me, in a way that I don’t want to share with my friends. But also because sex represents different shit to different people. What could be a nothing hook up to you could be a world shattering experience for the other human. WHICH IS WHY communication is so important. You should never expect that someone feels the same way as you do about anything, especially something so intimate and personal. It might not be intimate and personal for everyonnneee, but you can’t assume someone’s feelings, only they know!

The dopest thing about your position is that all of the greatest relationships I know started as a deep-as-fuck friendship. If you’re totally unsure, just spend some time with the person and treat them as if you’re trying to be a new best friend. BECAUSE WHO KNOWS, maybe it is a romance crush and maybe it is a friend crush. The only way you’ll know is by figuring it out by spending time with them!

If you go full force, immediately ask them to date, get romantic for three months and it doesn’t work out. They will probs slowly disappear into the ether and you’ll be like ‘oh yea i dated that human once for three months lol we still follow each other on instagram, and they don’t have a septum piercing anymore.” HOWEVER, if you go full friend force, take it slow, treat it like a friend crush, get to know each other so GD well you can’t even believe it, one of two things will happen, either (1) you will stay best fuckin’ friends forever or (2) that friendship will blossom into a love you never expected. You’ll be legitimately swept off your feet every day because you’re deeply in love with someone that you know everything about. You’ve already farted in front of each other, you’ve already talked about your sex fantasies, you already know their morals are in line with yours, and you already know their favorite candy… It’s honestly the best thing in the world.

AND THEN ANONYMOUS, if you date and it doesn’t work, 3 years later you will be back on the friend track and the two of you will be like ‘THANK GOD WE ARE FRIENDS AGAIN’ bc nothing can stop a best friendship.

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"My best friend and I live thousands of miles away and have never met. It just became very possible that I might be moving only 10 or so miles away from him. But that would take me thousands of miles away from my friend in my hometown, who I've known for years but slightly grown apart from. Is it wrong to want to move if I'd never come back?"

Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I live 2,000 miles away from my best friend in the world. I also live 3,000 miles away from my businesswife who i love with all my heart. AND I live 3,000 miles away from my childhood bestie who houses all of my memories (i have a bad memory, thank god for her). It’s FUCKING HARD. IT’s so hard. In a lot of ways, I hate living so far from so many people I adore. It’s hard to live that far away from my dad. It’s hard that one of my really great friends from High school had a baby and I can’t hang out with that baby everyday. It’s all so hard.

However, as far as where I live and the home I’ve built? I’ve never been happier. I feel like opportunity is everywhere and coming home is a relief. I love the weather and the city and the people I’ve met. I love the ability to go to the mountains and beach and inside of a canyon with little to no effort, whatsoever. I love when people come to visit. I’m proud of where I am, I’m proud of my apartment, I’m proud of who I am in this city.

You should live where YOU want to live for the reasons that YOU want to live there, and that’s it. It’ll be hard to leave your best friend, the same way it’s hard to live so far away from your other best friend right now. Life is hard, friendship is so important, and special, and strong. The reason it’s so strong is because it’s hard. That’s just life.

Do what you need to do for you. ALSO, I’m a big fan of living in different cities. It’s an experience I feel everyone should have, but it doesn’t happen to you, you have to make the effort.

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“My girlfriend and I moved across the country two years ago. Now we’re breaking up, and I’m starting to realize that–because we were together when we moved across the country–I never really made my own friends here. How does a twenty-something baby adult make friends, AND get over their first heartbreak at the same time?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Do stuff.

That’s it, that’s the answer to all people who are trying to meet people. No matter your age, interest, amount of heartbreak, DO STUFF.

I don’t care what it is, really. Take an improv class, do computer work at a cafe instead of from home, check out the local LGBTQ community center events, volunteer for something you give a shit about, do free yoga and talk to the teachers after.

Oh, and after you do stuff. REACH OUT.

So many times we meet people and switch phone numbers and we’re like “they’re so dope, i’ll wait to see if they text me because if they don’t text me then they obviously don’t want to be hanging out with me” … guess who else is doing that? THE PERSON YOU JUST SWITCHED NUMBERS WITH, THEY ARE LITERALLY SITTING AT HOME SAYING THE SAME THING. SO NO ONE IS TEXTING NO ONE AND IT’S ALL FOR NO REASON.

Put it TF out there.

Seriously. When I first moved to LA I was lonely AF and my friend (who I barely knew at the time) was like “WANNA COME TO MY BDAY AND MEET SOME PEOPLE” and I said okay…mind you, I was dreading every second. I showed up, met some people, and one girl gave me her e-mail address. SHE GAVE ME HER EMAIL ADDRESS. So I was like “cool she doesn’t care about being friends,” but I reached out anyway because worst-case scenario she doesn’t email me back and who cares we weren’t friends in the first place. Welp, she did email me back, we planned a brunch, spent four hours talking about LITERALLY EVERYTHING and now she’s a good friend of mine.

Fucking put yourself out there, everyone! IT WORKS.

Hi! Our advice is always free for all to read & watch. Help us keep this gay ship chuggin’ by donating as little as $1/month over here on Patreon. xo