"So, I plucked up the courage to *Little Mermaid style* kiss the girl. And it was wonderful. But now I don’t know how much, or even if I am still attracted to her. Was it just the allure of what I couldn’t have? Does this make me a giant asshole?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
IT’S LIKE. I don’t know. You know!?!?
Sometimes the first kiss is just stupid and weird and everyone is nervous and it isn’t that great. Sometimes it’s a sign that you don’t have that ~*~SPARK~*~ Sometimes it’s just an overwhelm of emotion and fear that came rushin in because shit just got real.
If there’s no ~*~SPARK~*~ that is totally okay. It happens, we are super into people because they are funny and charming and we have so much in common and our friends are all obsessed with each other and we have a blast every time we hang and we can talk about anything and it’s just so easy. These are all amazing feelings, they are also the feeling of having a best friend and sometimes your best friends aren’t the people you should romance. We get friend crushes just as hard as real crushes. Maybe you were 100% into this girl and there is no ~*~SPARK~*~ but you’re supposed to be besties. THAT IS OKAY. Did I mention that is okay? Because that is okay. You not forcing the ~*~SPARKs~*~ could mean you’ve just started the best friendship you could ever ask for…
ALSO THOUGH YOU COULD HAVE JUST BEEN NERVOUS AND NOT DONE A GOOD JOB KISSING, YOU KNOW? SO MAYBE TRY IT A FEW MORE TIMES IDK. KRISTIN HELP.
Just wanted to be sure we were protected if Dannielle just invented that term/phrase/art piece.
Moving along. You haven’t done anything wrong. Your first step is to STOP ANALYZING THE MERMAID KISS. Let it go. Take a deep breath and let. it. go. The more you think about it, the worse you are going to make it in your brain-head, and the less able you are going to be to try it again with a CLEAR MIND.
Because, dear reader, you are going to kiss this person again. At least one more time, and no, you will still not be an asshole. You will be a human being who is navigating the complicated waters of romance. I’d like to point out the fact that your question was basically “I kissed a girl it was wonderful wait maybe it wasnt what,” and not “I kissed a girl and didn’t like it.” Big difference, buckaroo.
So, then. If you need to, if you really need to, then before your next date, blast “Let It Go” from the movie Let It Go. OKAY FROZEN IT’S CALLED FROZEN BUT LETS BE REAL THEY MAY AS WELL NAME IT LET IT GO. Play it over and over again to clear your mind. Bonus: You will also get to have a brain-picture of Idina Menzel. ~*~SWOON~*~™
Now that you’ve let it go(oooo): Hang out with the human. Kiss the human again. You don’t like? You have my permission to be friends and know that you still have not done anything wrong (pls refer to Dannielle’s explaysh above). You like? Send me a thank you note, flowers, and $45. You are welcome for your new romance.
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"So, hi. I just arrived at college. I hadn’t really been nervous at all until now realizing: I AM SO UNPREPARED IN MY GAYNESS. I haven’t kissed a girl / ever had a girlfriend, and I’m starting to freak out a little. Help?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
You and EVERYONE ELSE, you know!?!? It doesn’t matter who you have or have not held hands with, kissed, slept with, been heartbroken by, etc, college is a whole different ball game. You feel so prepared until you stand in front of someone you like, someone NEW, someone you are soooooo attracted to, someone who likes you back, BREATHE BREATHE PASS OUT RINSE REPEAT.
It doesn’t matter. You could think you’re super-over-prepared and you will learn very quickly that you are not. So, you’re actually ahead of the game by being AWARE that you are not prepared. Most of us are just acting like we know what we’re doing and then being slapped in the face by all things new. Most of us watch two episodes of the L Word and we’re like “oh, i get it, Shane looks like she doesn’t care but SHE REALLY DOES… that’s what I’ll do” so we sulk around wearing lots of necklaces and everyone thinks we’re mysterious, but really it’s just confusion and nerves all bundled up inside screaming to get out in the form of ‘OK I ADMIT IT I HAVE NEVER KISSED A GIRL.’
So, own it. Own that fear and those nerves bc nerves when meeting someone new are kind of great. PLUS, regardless of how prepared you might have thought you were, it wouldn’t matter. We’re all underprepared for new loves. Stand up straight, ask a girl to dinner, kiss her if you feel like it and be okay with the fact that you might tremble with nerves the entire time.
Listen. I legit have nothing to add to this — Dannielle has given you the truest words of wisdomy wisdom that exist: no one is more or less prepared than anyone else, and the best thing you can do is know that you are currently surrounded by swarms of people who, when confronted by the prospect of interacting with someone they really like for the first time, are like:
So, with that in mind:
Take it one moment at a time, one kiss at a time, one heart-flutter at a time. Be as open with yourself as possible. Know that exploring and discovering things for the first time is magical, even when it’s comical or terrifying or everything all at once.
"HOW DOES ONE GO ABOUT KISSING SOMEONE?? INSTRUCTIONS/TIPS PLEASE & THANK YOU."
- Question submitted by Anonymous
You don’t necessarily HAVE to wear chapstick, but if you’ve been hyperventilating for an hour before you allow your guts to let you kiss a human, your lips and mouth will probs be dry so drink a water and put on chapstick is tip one.
Tip two is start slow. I’ve been in situations before where both parties are STOKED and also NERVOUS and it turns into a clustermouth of humans banging teeth and drooling. Which, hey, if that’s what you’re into it… AY OKAY, but a lot of people aren’t. Go slow and pay attention to what their mouth is doing. Don’t think about what you’re doing, just find places in their mouth where your mouth might fit comfortably.
When you’re using your tongue, please remember it is in the mouth of a human being. Your tongue is not a paintbrush, and the opposite mouth is not a wall which must be primed in under 20 minutes.
Make it your goal to feel every part of their mouth with yours. The rest will start to make sense.
When we started writing advice, Dannielle would always just squeal in embarrassment when it came to talking about mouths or boobs or any kind of sexitimes. Now she’s all ‘your tongue is not a paint brush.’ #proud
Instructions on kissing someone, by Kristin Russo:
1. Tell them you are going to kiss them. This breaks the proverbial ice, let’s them prepare so they don’t accidentally duck and cover or recoil in a panic and bang their head on the kitchen cabinet or whatever I don’t know where you kiss. Plus, it’s sexy. “Hey, so, I am going to kiss you now.” COME ON.
2. Kiss them on the mouth like a nice, calm human who just wants to be close to another nice, calm human. You have to start SOMEWHERE, people, so don’t attack with the force of a thousand Shanes. Just enjoy yourself for a moment and let THEM crank things up a notch.
3. Allow, respond and initiate in equal measure. Remember how I just said ‘let them crank it up a notch’? That’s you allowing the kiss-ee some room to be all OH SHIT WE ARE KISSING I LIKE THIS LET’S KISS MORE. Then youuuuuu respond and kiss back a little more which is YOU saying OH SHIT YOU’RE RIGHT WE ARE KISSING AND I TOTALLY WANT TO KISS MORE. Maybe then you initiate a different kind of kiss to change it up — maybe you are no longer thinking about this list because btw you will get to a point where you don’t need a list.
4. Breathe. Even if you are making out like the world is on fire around you, no one says you can’t pull back for a minute and be all, ‘Oh, hey.’ *winky emoji, embarrassed face emoji, dancing lady emoji* I promise that if you take a breath and look at the human whose mouth you are mashing, you will still get to kiss more, as much as you want, etc.
I think you asked for instructions on how to kiss and I accidentally gave you instructions on how to make out.
PS: Here’s a great gif series on how NOT to kiss, in case you were wondering.
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"My gf and I’ve been dating for 3 months now. I kiss her cheek and we spend hours holding hands but we haven’t kissed. I dream up romantic scenarios but I can’t make a move in public and when we’re alone we just smile at each other and giggle. Though I act super-confident I’m shy with her. At times I think she’s distancing herself but I might be paranoid and she’s just tired/busy. If it’s just that she’s not ready (I don’t think she’s kissed anyone before) then that’s fine, but how do I know?"
-Question submitted by Anonymous
The only way to know is to ask. Especially if you’re totally fine with the fact that this could be the case. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?!
If I were you (which I basically am bc one time I spent 9 hours just staring at a girl I was dating and then finally had to countdown out loud before we kissed LOL), I would make it cute / funny. This is partially because it will make both you and her more comfortable, and partially because I can’t deal with real emotions like a normal human. So if I can AVOID emotions WHILST not avoiding emotions, that’s how I roll.
Next time you’re together giggling and staring into each other’s eyes, write on a post-it “can i kiss you” with three options 1) yup 2) nah 3) not yet. THAT WAY, she circles yes, and you just smash your face on hers immediately. She says nah, you know it’s not gonna happen. She says ‘not yet’ you know she’s not ready and you can re-evaluate a little later. OR you can talk about it, but if it’s something she doesn’t want to talk about, you’ve made it so you aren’t forcing her to talk about something that might make her uncomfortable, BUT you are putting it out there.
kiss! kiss! kiss!
SHALALALA MY OH MY
YOU GONNA BE TOO SHY
YOU GOTTA KISSSSS THE GIRL
-The Little Mermaid
I agree with all of what Dannielle said above, even though I know you are like GREAT IDEAS GUYS TOO BAD I AM FROZEN AND SHAKING AND MIGHT PEE MY PANTS.
We KNOW how scary it can be, we KNOW that it isn’t easy, but… we also know that the chances of you taking a risk, asking her if she wants to kiss you, or doing anything else adorable that Dannielle has suggested above is going to lead to you TOTALLY KISSING HER MOUTH and you will both be like EEEEEEEE and it will be like OMMMGGGGG and you will stop being mad at us and probably buy us a pony as a token of thanks, or something.
Alternately, in sticking with The Little Mermaid theme, you could say to her next time you hang out solo: “Oh man, so like, I heard this song and it made me think of you. Do you want to hear it?” Then stare at her, press play on “Kiss the Girl” from The Little Mermaid, and don’t break eye contact ‘til you’re kissing. Eh?
"Hey so I have a problem. I do drama and stuff and I’m in this play at the moment where I have to do an onstage kiss (more like makeout but whatever) which I’m fine with and is cool… except for the fact I’ve never actually kissed anyone in real life before I’m freaking out. Thoughts?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
If I were you, I would cultivate a relaysh with the person I had to stage kiss and I would be like “Fun sidebar: I’ve never kissed anyone so if I end up licking the side of your mouth I’m sorry.” THAT WAY, there are a few options.
1. Kisser says “Wait, really? Do you wanna practice before we have to do it in front of the whole crew.
2. Kisser says “haha. I’ve never stage kissed someone, so this’ll be fun”
3. Kisser says “omg, you can’t be serious… how old are you?”
The only one that feels dramatic is the last one, and if that happens you can just say “Yea, I was going for a Drew Barrymore early 2000s feel, but now you’re ruining that.”
FYI – You’ve all seen NEVER BEEN KISSED, right? IT’s the greatest. We all have to learn to make light of situations like this…They happen, if it’s not kisses, it’s something else and the only way out of ANY OF IT is by jokes (if you are me).
Okay okay hold on.
I am sure that you could totally do the Dannielle option and kick a lot of ass and be the best and everything would be great but I know that I wouldn’t find the courage to admit I’d never kissed anyone. So IF you are like me and you are all I CAN’T TELL THEM THAT BC I JUST CAN’T UGH, then read on:
First: the build up. I’d tell your KISS partner that you’ve never STAGE KISSED before #whitelies, and that you will probably start off a little awkward and get more comfortable as you get used to the whole idea. That takes ALL THE PRESSURE OF YOU, AND GIVES YOU TIME TO PRACTICE.
Second: the kiss. Here’s my advice. I think the more you think about what you are SUPPOSED to be doing with your mouth area, the worse a kiss gets. So, instead, just go slow, put your lips together, close your eyes, and see what happens. Your brain will be like SHOULD WE DO THIS OR THAT OR, and you have to take a sledgehammer to it (figuratively) to shut it up and just go with the proverbial flow.
Also, here is an article about the best on screen kisses in 2012, so you can watch the clips and study up.