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“Hi, I am 17 and identify as bisexual. I’m wondering if any of the parents who write for The Parents Project could give me advice on coming out to my parents. I think I would be comfortable telling my mum, but I worry that she will tell my dad. I don’t know how he will react. He has been bad at talking to me in the past and is generally very confrontational.”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Carmella Van Vleet Says:

Wow. What a great question. I know that many young people are in your same position. I’m honored to offer what advice I can as a parent of a gay teenager.

A little background: I’m a children’s book author and sometimes I do workshops with kids in schools. When I go into schools, I typically wear my rainbow bracelet to show students I’m an LGBTQIA ally. I’ll never forget the first time someone came up to me after a workshop to share his story.

As part of my workshop that day for a group of high schoolers, I’d read the opening chapter of a story about a girl whose brother is kicked out of his home for being gay. A young man your age cautiously approached me after class. He told me he was glad I was writing about queer kids and that he’d come out as bisexual to his parents the week before.

“How did that go?” I asked him.

“Not great,” he said. “My mom took it okay but my dad is still mad. He’s not speaking to me.”

I spent the next few minutes telling him what I’m about to tell you now.

First, what you’re doing is a brave thing. It’s especially hard when you’re not sure how your parents will react. Be proud of yourself and never, ever apologize for who you are and for living honestly.

Second, here’s something young people need to know about telling their parents they’re LGBTQ: it’s a journey for them, too. Parents, even the most accepting ones, are put on this new road once their kids come out. It’s like the GPS told us to take a sharp left into a corn field. Getting our bearings takes time.

Maybe you realized a long time ago that you’re bisexual, or maybe you came to this understanding recently. The point is, you’ve had time to process your feelings. But this is likely new (and possibly unexpected) information for your parents. Perhaps they will react strongly and hurtfully at first. If they do, don’t be discouraged and decide this is their final position on the matter. MANY parents who are initially upset come around with patience and education. Just remember that your parents love you and will do they best they can – and they can evolve past whatever their first reactions might be.

So. How should you come out at home? Only you know your parents and situation best, but here are some thoughts.

If you’re worried about how your dad will react, tell your mom first. Pick a time when the two of you are alone and aren’t likely to be interrupted. The “how” part is up to you. Are you a jump-in-the-deep-end person? (“Mom, I’m bisexual.”) Or a wade-into-the-water kind of person? (“Hey Mom, I was reading an article about famous people who are bisexual.”)

After you’ve told her, let her take the lead. Answer questions as best you can. (You may not know some of the answers, and that’s okay. You’re still probably learning, too.) Remind her you’re the same person she’s always known; she just knows something more about you now. Give her time alone if she needs it and revisit the subject later on.

Now, about your father. If you believe that you could find yourself in any kind of physical danger if your father were to find out about your sexuality, then you need to carefully consider if this is the best time to come out. Or you need to create a safety plan so you can leave if necessary. For example, you might need a place to stay. Can you find a friend who’s willing to take you in? You will need to consider how you will get to and from school or work. You may also need to come up with a way to pay for your own expenses.

If you don’t think you’re ready for your dad to know, talk to your mom about this. Explain your concerns and develop a plan together for how and when to approach the situation. It’s probably not reasonable to ask your mother to keep this secret from your father forever, but you are entitled to a say in how and when you come out to him. You might be surprised that she has some good ideas about how to approach your dad. Or maybe she’d be willing (with your permission) to break the news to him so you don’t have to.

If your father confronts you once he knows, then listen and answer questions the best you can. You don’t have to take emotional abuse. If things get heated, tell him you’re going leave to give him time to process things. Don’t say something like, “We’ll discuss this after you calm down,” or “You’re being irrational/old-fashioned/prejudiced” because these will likely make him feel defensive. And don’t get pulled into the yelling. You’re trying to defuse this situation. (Yes, you’re being the mature one here. Little secret? Sometimes parents can learn from their kids.)

If he gives you the silent treatment for a while (like the dad of the young man I mentioned earlier), that’s okay. It may hurt, but give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s working on it. Try emailing or texting him some helpful articles or resources. This kind of non-confrontational communication can be useful because it gives everyone time to think before they speak.

Again, coming out is a huge step for LGBTQ young people. Try to remember that it’s a huge thing for your parents, too. With time, patience, and love, you’ll all navigate this unfamiliar territory peacefully.

Good luck!!

***

Carmella Van Vleet is a wife, former teacher, and the mother of three young people (ages 22, 20 and 18) who she thinks are pretty cool despite the fact they insisted on growing up. Carmella is also a full-time children’s author who’s committed to including LGBTQ families in her work whenever possible. You can visit her at www.carmellavanvleet.com.

Help support our contributors here on Patreon!

02.15.2016
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**Content Warning: Abuse**
“I’ve recently realized that I’m gay. The thing is, I was sexually abused when I was a kid. What does this mean? Am I gay because I was abused? I know I didn’t chose this, but I can’t help but wonder if these two things are related.”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Rachel Halder Says:

First of all, congratulations on realizing an important and beautiful aspect of yourself—that you are gay! It sometimes takes a lifetime for someone to admit this to themselves, and you’ve overcome the first and arguably hardest hurdle. That must be celebrated!

Secondly, I am impressed with your vulnerability in stating that you were abused, and in allowing yourself to voice your concern in these two things being related. Abuse of all kinds is traumatic, and it takes deep, personal reflection to even acknowledge its influence in our lives.

I, too, am queer and an abuse survivor. I knew I was queer since I was 15. Or at least, that’s the first time I can remember admitting that I fantasized about women. But I didn’t allow myself to act on that until nearly 10 years later. Why?

I first encountered sexual abuse at three-years-old. I didn’t consciously allow myself to realize this though until I was 22. Even though I shoved that traumatic memory deep into my subconscious, it still affected me in many ways, including that I was seemingly unable to act upon my attraction to women.

There’s this really pervasive thing that exists in our society called shame. Unfortunately, we are all plagued by it, without even realizing that’s what it is.

Shame is the thing that keeps us in the closet. And shame is the thing that keeps us from talking about our traumatic experiences with sexual abuse.

We cannot talk about sexualized violence without talking about shame.

We cannot talk about gender and sexual identity without talking about shame.

Shame plays these tapes in our head telling us that we did something bad, we’re gross, maybe even disgusting. Shame makes us feel like we have no reason to live, that we’re somehow worthless and wrong. The thing about interlinking homosexuality with abuse is that it doubly shames a person.

Once a man asked me, “So how much of your being gay has to do with your history with sexual abuse?” His inquiry completely shattered me. I walked away in dumbfounded tears, unable to fully grasp why this question made me so hysterical. Thankfully a friend helped me see how the comment had been humiliating because it not only insinuated that I should be ashamed of the abuse I’ve experienced, but that I’m also guilty for having that abuse “cause” me to “turn gay.” I felt doubly shamed. In one question that took two seconds to utter, my entire self-worth felt shat upon. I heard, “You are not worthy. You are not good. You are broken goods. And because of your brokenness you now do disgusting things. Oh yeah, but none of it is your fault.”

Experiences of sexual violation are prevalent in the human population in general. According to reports that I believe are drastically underestimated, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys have been sexually violated. Yet, I’ve personally only met and spoken to one queer survivor open about her history with abuse. There are many who identify as straight who are survivors of sexual abuse. I’ve met and spoken to hundreds of them. My website Our Stories Untold documents their stories. They email me on a monthly basis. So I wonder, if sexual abuse is causing people to turn gay, where are all the gay stories on my website?

Would it be fair to ask someone, “So how much of your identifying as a heterosexual man have to do with your history of abusing children and women?”

Five years ago when I was in therapy for my sexual abuse trauma, I finally began talking about my attraction to women. I had a major crush on an openly gay girl at work—in fact I was totally in love with her—yet I felt paralyzed in doing anything about the crush, let alone admit to people around me that I was interested in a woman. Through therapy I realized the reason I felt terrified to “come out” publicly was because I had been abused—the idea that my abuse somehow “made me gay” was nearly too much to bare, and my biggest fear was someone making that assumption about me. It took my therapist repeatedly saying for months, “Your sexual abuse has NOTHING to do with the gender of the people you fall in love with” that I finally gave up trying to pretend that I wasn’t attracted to women. I freed myself from the cage I locked myself into. I allowed myself to become vulnerable with my multiple identities of both queer and abuse survivor. And I finally decided that what others thought about my life could not continue to dictate the way I lived, the people I loved, or the experiences I wanted to have. From that point on, I took my life back.

Let me do for you what my therapist did for me: Abuse you experienced in the past has nothing to do with the gender of the people you fall in love with. You can free yourself from your own cage. It’s tough, but you can learn to embrace the multiple identities you hold of both survivor and gay, and not let society’s false perceptions of how those two are connected to control how you feel about yourself.

I really don’t think my abuse “caused” me to be attracted to anyone. If anything, it gave me an opportunity to look deep inside my being and find true devotion and self-love for the human that I am. It offered me the opportunity to explore vulnerability and overcome shame in the most liberating ways. And it gave me a strength I never knew was possible. I’ve been in love with women, men, and a trans identified person. I love to love—as hard and scary as love can be—and I strive to open myself to love in any healthy forms it comes to me in. The most important love of my life though is myself. And loving myself means accepting both my sexuality and my abuse stories, and creating a life in which I can live fully and vibrantly as my unique, badass self.

You are worthy. You are good. You are not broken goods. And because of your unique and profound beauty created by your experiences and your heart, you can live the life you wish to live in the ways only you see fit. You can evolve, change your mind, and become someone new each and every day.

***

Rachel Halder is currently an MA in Religion candidate at Claremont School of Theology, studying holistic spiritual trauma healing for those who have been marginalized by the Christian Church because of sexual abuse and/or LGBTQIA sexual identification. She is passionate about interspirituality, believing that mystical spirituality is the origin of all world religions, and that at their mystical core all spiritual paths lead to Love. She blogs about sexualized violence at Our Stories Untold, about spirituality at Heart of Thought, and when she’s not writing or speaking you can find her hiking mountains or walking through the forest, communing with pachamama’s beautiful earth creation. Follow her on Twitter @raegitsreal

Help support our contributors here on Patreon!

01.27.2016
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“Do you have any super gay tips for surviving the holidays when you’re not out to your family? Love you guys!”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Your friends, your friends, snapchat, your friends, tumblr, your cat, your cat, your friends, and the 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story.

Seriously.

So very many humans, around this time of year, wind up in a house with a gabillion relatives who don’t know their identity and who insist upon asking questions that can’t be answered (while remaining ‘not out’), or who talk loudly over spiked eggnog about politics in a way that makes steam come off of much more than the holiday-cookie tray. It can be super difficult, especially when you aren’t able to speak your truth in response, and that is why self-care is so, so important at this time of year.

The reason that my list includes ‘your friends’ a hundred times is because I think that the best way to remain centered is to remind yourself that there is an entire world that exists outside of your house. I am hoping, Anonymous, that you have a few friends who do know who you are, and who support and love you. Be in touch with them. Text them when your grandma asks you for the hundredth time about ‘bringing a boy home’ or when your aunt asks you why you support marriage equality. Maybe your relatives are super chill and it isn’t even about them asking questions that make you feel uneasy, but you just aren’t ready to come out – you should still talk to those friends. Tell them how you are feeling, send stupid jokes back and forth, snap them pictures of your snoring uncle, and let them tether you to a place where you know you can be you.

If your friends are all going to a remote island for the holidays and won’t have service, or if you aren’t out to them yet, then… use us. By us I mean the internet. We are all here, all the time, sharing stories of our own holidays at home, giving advice, making memes, and just existing so that you know that you aren’t alone. That’s really the key: hang out with your family as much as you can, but give yourself time with things that make you feel good, happy, and whole.

Now, to the rest of my list: If family members do ask you questions you can’t answer, just shrug and say, “Do you know when the marathon of A Christmas Story starts? My goal this year is to watch it for the entire 24 hours.” If someone says something about politics that makes you feel super angry, grab the family cat, squeeze him tight, take him to your room or a quiet place, and tell him every single thing that made you furious in that moment. Cats are really good at keeping secrets.

Take it one moment at a time, remember to stay connected to support (and laughter), snuggle up in a blanket as often as possible, and know that there are a million billion of us snuggled up in our own blankets who understand exactly how you are feeling. Oh, and know that it’s totally 100% awesome and cool for you to not be out for as long as you want to be.

xx

12.9.2015
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“How do I keep myself from becoming my mom? She’s great and I love her, but there are a lot of things about her that I don’t want to emulate but have noticed are traits we share (like our temper).”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy do I have a lot of feelings on this one, Anonymous.

First and foremost: you cannot become your mom because you are you. That is an indisputable fact of existence. You have lived your own life, and that life came with a mom, sure, but it also came with some friends and maybe a cousin or two and probably a favorite pair of sneakers and a memory of that one time your neighbor fell off their bike and broke their arm (making you suddenly a bit more hesitant about riding your own bike) and a pet snake and a weird trundle-bed and so, so many other things that make you your very own person. So, by the rule of physics and science-stuff alone I hereby declare: you cannot become your mom.

image

Originally posted by superbgifs

DISCLAIMER: If you are in the movie Freaky Friday the above does not apply and becomes much more complicated.

That all said, I understand what you are asking, and I understand what is making you feel all of that please-don’t-let-me-be-my-mom panic. I have a mom, too. My mom also has a temper. As a matter of fact, when I was much younger my mom’s temper was so bad that it scared the ever-living-shit out of me. Sometimes with no warning at all my mom would see that I had left a dish out or messed up the couch-pillows, and she would snap. Her face would get all red and she would scream and scream. Sometimes she would even throw things (hair brushes were a favorite). It was a really hard time in my life, in her life, and in our family’s life.

In later years, my mom went to therapy to work on the things that were making her so angry, and she was able to be a much calmer, more patient, and more balanced person and parent. Which was great… except for the fact that I had been around that temper in my most formative years, and it had an ever-lasting effect on me (both in the form of my own temper, and in my persistent fear that I would turn into my mother.) I’ve had moments, even within the last year alone, where something makes me angry and I act out. Last year I threw a whole bowl of oatmeal on the floor because I was so mad about some thing that I can’t even remember now. My first thought after marveling at the weird slurpy-crunch noise that the oatmeal-bowl made upon crashing was, “What am I doing. I am her. I am my mom.”

So, let me tell you how I handle my feelings, my fears, and the oatmeal.

First: I recognize that awareness of my feelings, and the support and understanding of those around me, is key. The biggest thing that my mom didn’t have (and maybe your mom still doesn’t) was an awareness of how her feelings were affecting her actions. No one had ever told her how to decipher those angry, upset feelings and connect them to her actions. No one – until  much later in her life – had told her that she could seek help, and speak to other people about those feelings. Without awareness and without the ability to seek help, her temper got the best of her. You, Anonymous, are already far ahead, because you recognize the behavior patterns in your mom, and you can see how those same behavior patterns may be present within yourself. That awareness alone can help enormously.

Second: The temper itself isn’t the problem, it’s what you do with it. For the longest time, I thought that going to therapy (which I did for years, and still do!) would mean that suddenly I wouldn’t have any of the feelings I didn’t want to have. I thought I would become super zen and just glide through life once I could figure out and fix all that ailed me. Turns out, that isn’t how it works!!! What happens instead is that I still have lots and lots of my feelings, but now I know what they are. If my wife snaps at me about something and I feel that fire rising in my middle, I know to connect the dots. I better understand the many-layered process that is happening to make me angry (and that it isn’t just about my wife), and I know that if I take a moment to myself before responding, I will be able to calm down. It doesn’t work every time, but it does work most times. If I understand the feelings, they become much easier to manage.

Third: In addition to her temper, my mom also gave me strength. My mom is strong-headed; she fights hard for what she wants, and for what she believes to be right in this world. Oftentimes in the past, what she believed to be right directly conflicted with what I believed to be right… and you can only imagine that clash of strong-willed Russos. Recently, though, as I’ve learned more and more about feminism and gender, I came to realize how so much of my mom’s fight was rooted in a world that had told her, consistently, that her feelings were dramatic, invalid, and just plain silly. I realized that my mom was a badass feminist even if she had never tried the word on for size. I realized that so many of the fighting qualities that make it possible for me to fight back against so many people who tell me that I am less-than, that I don’t matter, that my feelings are trivial… they also came from her. In the moments when I feel most fearful about “becoming my mom,” I remember that I have small pieces of who she is woven within the fabric of who I am. That comes with some that are harder to hold, and some that I would never, ever let go.

10.28.2015
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“Hey! Could you throw some LGBT suicide stats to show my rude parents? Thanks!”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Okay listen up. Since I am pretty sure you knew how to google “LGBT Suicide Stats,” I HAVE A FEELING THAT MAYBE JUST MAYBE… you were (are) really angry about the way your parents are treating you and you are on a quest to slap in the face via Tumblr posts, statistics, and anything else you can get your hands on. So, let’s break this down into three parts, shall we?

PART ONE: Your Parents Shouldn’t Disrespect You 
I am so fucking sorry that your parents are making you feel shitty. The world at large can be a place that looks us in the eyeballs and says “you aren’t worth it, you don’t make sense, you don’t belong, fuck off”… and for even a shred of that message to be coming from the people who are supposed to love you most, is totally, one hundred billion percent FUCKED. I need to tell you that those messages of disrespect are complete and total bullshit, and are fabricated on some weird-ass structure that was built by a bunch of white dudes who assumed they were better than black dudes and brown dudes and all women and anything else that didn’t walk, talk, and act like they did across history. Apologies to the super awesome, really nice white dudes who are attempting to help fix that shit, but it’s true. All that to say: YOU ARE FUCKING WORTH IT. YOU MAKE SO MUCH FUCKING SENSE. YOU BELONG SO HARD. *huge hug*

PART TWO: Suicide Is Real & Affects LGBT People
You asked for stats, I shall give you a few stats: Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among young people ages 10 to 24; LGB youth are 4 times more likely, and questioning youth are 3 times more likely, to attempt suicide as their straight peers; Nearly half of young transgender people have seriously thought about taking their lives, and one quarter report having made a suicide attempt; Each episode of LGBT victimization, such as physical or verbal harassment or abuse, increases the likelihood of self-harming behavior by 2.5 times on average. I pulled these stats from The Trevor Project’s website, and you can see the sources here. If you are struggling and need someone to talk to, please, please call or chat with someone who can help:

HERE IS A LINK TO GLOBAL SUICIDE HOTLINES

PART THREE: Scaring Your Parents Isn’t The Only Way To Talk To Them
Listen. Parts 1&2 are important, but I need to ask you to stop for a moment and think about your parents, what they know and what they don’t, and why they might be saying shit that hurts your heart. Maybe they are people who will only respond to fear… but I think that in most cases, people respond to compassion, empathy, and help more than being told terrifying facts at the outset and left with zero resources.

There is a good chance that your parents need your help. You can absolutely talk to them about the above statistics, but you should do it in a larger context where you are giving them tools to learn how to support you. If you are feeling suicidal, you should talk to them about those feelings, and you should tell them that you need their help. If you are feeling incredibly hurt, you should talk to them about those feelings, and tell them that you need their help.

Show them The Parents Project, see if there is a PFLAG Chapter near you, urge them to buy a copy of This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids. Dannielle and I created (and continue to create) these resources because we have seen parents do an about face when they suddenly have an outlet for all that they are going through. Your coming out process is also your parents coming out process.

xoxoxo

***

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07.27.2015
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