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“I'm a 21-year-old female student and have feelings for another girl, really strong feelings that are far beyond friendship. But I don't want to be lesbian, I want these feelings to go away! I'm so desperate. What should I do now?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

You know when you go out against your will and you’re like ‘ugh, i really don’t wanna be out right now, i HATE dancing, i don’t like these people THAT much, drunk girls are dumb, i have homework to do, my head hurts and i just wanna be asleep’ AND THEN… your mothereffingJAM comes on (probably SINCE U BEEN GONE) and all of sudden your left arm goes up in the air, your jaw drops to the floor, your eyes get the size or grapefruits, the upper half of your body leans back, and in no time you’re doing this weird crab dance b/c you don’t GIVE A FUCK WHAT PEOPLE THINK B/C IT’S YOUR FUCKING JAM THIS IS KELLY WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND!?!??!!

Well, this is a lot like your life right now. I mean, let’s be real, this is a lot like everyone’s life before they figure themselves out. You’re going to feel these feelings again. If you decide ‘NO I DON’T WANT TO DANCE’ and you leave the bar, no matter where you go… SINCE U BEEN GONE is going to play again before your life is over. It’s going to play more than once, and eventually you’re going to jam the fuck out.

You can’t help how you feel, 21yearoldfemalestudent, but you CAN help what you do about it. You can try and suppress your feelings all you want, but they’re going to come back. The longer you try and pretend your feelings aren’t there, the harder they’re going to be to deal with.

Also. Why would you deny yourself the opportunity to love someone? Love is the most beautiful, fascinating, breathtaking, mind-blowing, nerve-wracking, nail-biting, wonderful experiences that life has to offer. Don’t pass it up just because you’re scared. Fear vs. Love, y’all.

btw. i’m totally going to start referring to ‘boning’ as ‘jamming out’

Kristin Says:

If anyone has ever wondered why Dannielle and I work so well together, it is because that is literally exactly what happens to my body when Kelly Clarkson plays.  #shegetsme

In other news, yes, figuring out that you may be gay is a lot to handle.  You have probably always seen your life a certain way…maybe a husband, a few kids, a couple of houses and an indoor swimming pool.  I am not sure how that imaginary life looked, but since it is imaginary, I’m really hoping you included the indoor swimming pool.  The hard truth of it all is that it was only imaginary.  You cannot know what your life is going to look like before you live it, and so the only advice we can give to you is to stop fighting those feelings, and start trying to accept them.

You may fall in love with a woman who then cheats on you with a married woman whose husband takes solace in your understanding, so then you start boning the scorned husband and accidentally get pregnant and you keep the baby, but you resent the ex-husband so you leave him and move to a farm where you meet the woman of your dreams, and you raise your baby and adopt a dog and grow tomatoes and buy a swing for your porch.

Stop trying to figure out where to put the swing on your imaginary porch, and start at the part where you follow your feelings and kiss that first girl.  The rest will follow, and there is no stopping any of it.  Try to find people who can help you adjust to these new feelings, but don’t bury them.  Take it one day at a time, and send us an email when you kiss that girl and are like, “HOLY BALLS I AM STILL NOT TOTALLY SURE I CAN DO THIS BUT WHEN DO I GET TO TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF?!?!”

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“My girlfriend and I have only been dating for a few months, but we both feel like we've been together for ages. I feel myself falling for her, and I want to tell her that I think I might be in love with her, but she uses the word "love" verrryy carefully. I don't want to scare her, or have her think I'm serious about my feelings, but I also really want to be honest with her. How do I tell her without having her doubt me?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Wait…. you don’t want her to think you’re serious about your feelings? Then don’t tell her, b/c that means you’re not serious about your feelings, which equals you’re wasting an ‘i love you.’

Here’s the thing, if you feel in your guts and soul that you’re falling in love with this girl, tell her. Who cares if it’s too soon, if you’re falling in love with her, you should be beside yourself with excitement to tell her and to finally be feeling these feelings. I understand being scared, I’ve been there and it’s terrifying. It’s a huge step. PLUS WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T SAY IT BACK?!!?

If she doesn’t say it back, who cares? It’s not about feeling something only if she feels it too, it’s about feeling something, being honest about it, and your relationship continuing to grow and flourish and bloom and INSERT PLANT RELATED WORDS.

If you love her, you love her, not saying it won’t change it. If she freaks out and doesn’t want to be with you b/c you love her, she doesn’t deserve your love. If you feel like it’s the right time to tell her, tell her. Let her know you don’t want to freak her out, but you’re falling for her, and it’s the greatest feeling.

Kristin Says:

Love is a many splendid thing. Love, love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love. #bazluhrmann

That all said, saying those three words is FUCKING TERRIFYING. I have literally spent hours on end in bed with previous girlfriends saying things like, “I really really like you,” and “I adore you,” and “I want to tell you something…you are nice,” while I sweat through the sheets because what I really WANT to say is, simply, “I love you.” I am totally on board with the whole love-is-great-just-be-honest thing, however, I do think that there should be a little room left for time, place, and context…you know?

If by “months” you mean “we just had our one month anniversary,” then you might want to assess the situation. Telling someone you love them after thirty days of happy bliss (especially someone who is very cautious with the word) can sometimes be scary. She might not be ready to hear those words the way you want her to hear them, which does not mean that she doesn’t feel the same way. Start slow, and tell her how much you care for her. That is, afterall, what loving someone means. If you tell her how much you care for her, and you feel that she is comfortable with those feelings, then navigate your way into the loving ocean of loving waves of love.

If by “months” you actually mean several months, then just go for it. DannielleIsRightDOTCOM, you guys. If you have been in a working relationship long enough to feel that surging rush of love in your bones, just tell her, and tell her that you don’t need to hear the same thing in return – you just want her to know. I told my first girlfriend that I loved her three months before she could return the sentiment, and we were happily together for two years.

Also, if you really find that you cannot get the words out, feel free to refer to my PowerPoint slide, “Levels of Love.”

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“I have the problem of wearing my heart on my sleeve, and falling WAY too fast for a girl that I am into. No matter what I do, I can't seem to break this habit of falling so fast, and it usually ends up with me scaring them off. So question is... How do I stop this ridiculous behavior?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

YOU GET OVER HERE AND LET ME GIVE YOU A HUG THAT’S HOW. Jaykay. That won’t do anything.

Let me tell you a shortened version of a long and painful story. The first girl I ever fell for, REALLY fell for, fell CRAZY for, I only dated for about 5 weeks. Ridiculous, I know, but it’s hard to distinguish your feelings when you’ve never had them. I couldn’t sleep b/c I thought about her too much. I couldn’t concentrate in classes, I wanted to impress her, I wanted her to want me forever. I told her I was crazy about her, I couldn’t stop talking about how much I liked her. I was her first girlfriend, and she was sort of scared, which I understood. Right before I left for fall break she asked if we could take things a little slower and I was, of course, fine with that. When I returned things were weird. I hated it. I didn’t know how to explain what was going on, but I had a constant sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew things weren’t the same, but I tried to ignore it.

A few days later I finally found out what was up. She’d been seeing someone else. They started hooking up while I was gone (on my birthday, actually). The story is much more dramatic if you ever wanna hear it one day, but that’s not the important part. The important part is the fact that I was exactly where you are, thedamester. I was torn into tiny pieces and had no fucking clue how to get those pieces back together. For 1.5 years I was like that. I mean, I dated other people, I was over it, wasn’t a big deal…but truthfully, every time I saw her I felt a twinge, and that twinge didn’t go away.

Feelings don’t just come and go when you want them to, it has a lot to do with growing and defining those feelings. What I had with GirlWhoSucks was nothing compared to the love and trust I’ve experienced since then.

I encourage you to be thankful for these feelings, but let yourself experience them a little more. Don’t rush into anything and proclaim your love for someone just because it feels right in that one moment. Let your immediate crush-love turn into something more. Allow them to fall for you too. Enjoy your excitement and share every moment you can, but let them initiate a little. Give them space, give them the chance them miss you. Don’t try to stop yourself from feeling, that’s a lost cause, but instead of texting them EVERY time you think about them, do it every 10th time.

Kristin Says:

When Dannielle and I were picking our weekly line-up of questions (we do that…we are professional and business-like), I read this question and was like, “Dannielle this one is so awesome, because WE ALL DO THIS.”  It isn’t true, of course…we don’t all wear our hearts on our sleeves, but I do…and I typically use myself as the representation for the whole world.

So.

Thing number one: Sometimes it is not possible to stop this ridiculous behavior.  I have been in relationships that are many years long, and I’ve still fallen into pockets where I drown my partner in love…I have a lot of feelings.

Thing number two: Dannielle is right, the older you get and the more relationships you trudge through, the more you learn how your loving self works, and the better control you will have over those tumultuous emotions.

Thing number three: Try to remind yourself that the person you care for knows that you care for them, and that saying it one time means a lot more then saying it 47 times.  I know it is hard.  Trust me…when I love someone I am like a screaming tea kettle…but it is much more efficient to let out the steam slowly and not spill your hot water all over the place. #metaphors

Thing number four:  You aren’t crazy.  Ok.  You are crazy, but so am I…and so are most of us.  Know that it will get easier over time, and that those feelings are super wonderful, and you aren’t dumb or silly or weird for feeling out of control when they are banging around in your insides.

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