"I’m in love with my straight best friend. She is perfect. WHAT THE FISK DO I DO?!"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
We get this question all the time, so we wanted to revisit because (1) helping people (2) FISK. LOLOLOOL.
Anywayzzzz. I was 100% head over heels, ready to lay in front of a bus for, could have been married that second, spend your life together, in LOVE with my straight best friend in college. What did I do? I asked her to date me almost every day. She said no almost every day. This story does not end in ‘turns out she was gay and we are in love now” at all. In fact, it was a helluva journey.
I didn’t tell her for a while that I was into her because I was afraid it would make things weird or uncomfortable or she would think I was an idiot or whatever. I just couldn’t do it. BUT Y’ALL. It was already weird and uncomfortable because I FELT WEIRD AND UNCOMFORTABLE. Once I finally told her and she was like ‘I’m not gay, tho’ things were a lot easier. I still totally wanted to date her, but I could make jokes about it, talk to my friends about my feelings, and I wasn’t obsessing over it in my head.
When I was obsessing over everything in my head, nothing made sense. I was convinced that when she said, “ooh i love this song” what she meant was “this love song represents how I feel for you.” Spoiler: SHE JUST ACTUALLY LIKED A SONG, THAT’S IT.
Also, what happens if she has feelings for you, too? If you don’t say something, you will NEVER KNOW. You will CONSTANTLY wonder. You will literally be thinking ‘what if’ for the rest of your life. And trust me, that shit will ruin you. I think you should totally say something.
Yes, there are two main things to remember when you are in love with your straight best friend. Since almost all of you are, have been, or will be in love with your best friend, pay attention:
1 – Things will, almost always, be weirder in the long run if you aren’t honest about your feelings. Bottled up love-feelings make you act in ridiculously strange ways, make you feel more and more distant from your friendship, and just turn your brain-head into general, all-around mush.
When I was in college, and in love with my straight best friend, I didn’t tell her for years. For YEARS I would think about what it meant when she’d ask me to come watch Felicity, I would be filled with enormous amounts of hope when I was asked to sleep over, and I would go out of my way to be present at any party that she attended (“what if THIS IS MY NIGHT?!”). Eventually, after my love-feelings were gone and I was in a long-term relationship with another lady, I told her about my past feelings. Her response? “Yeah, I knew all along. There was one night where I almost did roll over and make out with you.”
SHE KNEW ALL ALONG.
WE’D ALMOST MADE OUT ONE TIME.
LIFE, YOU GUYS.
2 – It will be okay if you have feelings and hers are not the same.
You don’t have to pull a Dannielle and ask her to date you everyday (tho, you can and it works pretty well if you’re of a similar personality type). You can explain that you have some feelings and that you know she isn’t into ladies, but that because you value your relationship so very much… you just had to be honest so you could work through things.
Sure, if she says “I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO SAY SOMETHING,” and then romantic music swells in the background, and you kiss and flowers spring up all around you while a choir of angels descend… that would be wonderful.
If, however, she seems a little weird, or things feel a little wobbly, that is okay. If your heart feels like breaking into bits and you believe you’ll never love anyone like you love her: your heart will mend, and you will love other people. I can promise you that from over here on the other side. Be patient with your own feelings and remember that even if things are weird for a bit — a friendship, like any relationship, goes through ups and downs!
Your friendship will carry you through if things get a little wonky, and there’s a good chance that being honest will help you move through the feelings in a much healthier way.
Plus, WHO KNOWS YOU GUYS MAYBE YOU’LL EVEN MAKE OUT OR WHATEVER.
"So i do this thing where whenever something cute or wonderful or milestone-ish (first i-love-you, etc) happens with my girlfriend there is a kind of big part of me that FREAKS THE EF OUT like "CAUTION: YOU ARE ONLY LEADING TO MORE PAIN FOR YOURSELF WHEN THIS INEVITABLY ENDS!" how can i shut down that voice in the back of my mind and enjoy the present?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Oh, cool, so you are human? Good talk.
You guys… why is it that NOTHING is more terrifying than a relationship that is going really well?? Like, what is wrong with us?!
LITERALLY, you are living my life. If I’m dating someone who is like “omg I like you so much” I literally text six of my friends and say “I don’t think she likes me.” I become completely closed off and build walls as if it were my only source of income (get it? build walls like it’s my job)…
If I were you (which I am), I would try really hard to recognize these moments and repeat “this is a good thing” in your head over and over and over. It’s really really hard to be completely vulnerable. You’re totally right, the closer you are to a human, the more they can hurt you. That fucking sucks, but you guys, if it’s SUPPOSED to work out, it totally will. If it isn’t supposed to work out, you will have fallen in love and given a piece of yourself to someone. That feeling is incredible and can be matched by nothing.
Rihanna said “I’ve loved and I’ve lost”
Tennyson said “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”
Katy Perry said “No regrets, just love”
Drake said “YOLO”
God, I hope someone puts together a book that is only quotes from Rihanna, Katy Perry, Drake, and Tennyson.
When I was younger I was obsessed with trying to take pictures of perfect moments, beautiful scenes, powerful experiences… I felt like I would never be able to experience things or communicate things as vividly as I was experiencing them in that particular moment, and just wanted to capture it so that I could have it forever. It was, at that point in my life, endlessly frustrating and terrifying that life could have such beauty but then with the blink of an eye, it could be gone.
I feel you – and I think that on some level we all (like Dannielle said) have this fear. It’s that thing that squeezes your middle right when you let your guard down enough to feel the most incredible part of living, loving (breathing, fighting, crying, etc).
I think it is key to remind yourself of two things:
1. There is nothing better than surrendering to a feeling. It’s what makes us, us. It’s what makes our connections deeper than we can explain with words. It’s what makes our lives so full that we could burst into tears just trying to understand it all.
2. To feel that is to risk heartache… but we are very, very versatile creatures. We feel pain, and we think we might never be able to heal… but we do. An argument could be made about surrendering completely to that feeling as well, and understanding even more about yourself and your world…
It’s okay to have those fears.
Just acknowledge them, and then do your best to take a risk.
It’s always, in some inexplicable way, worth it.
"I wanna say "I love you" to my boo for the first time. Is writing it on the bottom of a rubber duck a bit too strange?"
-Question submitted by Anonymous
OH MY GOD YOU’RE SO CUTE.
No, that’s NOT… I mean, maybe it is strange to someone who hates rubber ducks and being in love.
You should do something that’s personal and will make BREADCRUMBS (your boo) feel all melty inside, you know? This is kind of a big deal for the two of you, and it’ll be super cute if you go out of your way to make it special and memorable.
Also though, if you’re totally caught up in the moment and the two of you are making out to the USHER pandora station and you can’t hold it in anymore and you just blurt out “I LOVE YOU BREADCRUMBS”…That will be equally as cute. I promise.
Being in love is the greatest. Anything you do will be perfect.
If you wrote I love you to me on the bottom of a rubber duck I would probably marry you.
That is my complete answer.
"How do I love without the expectation of forever?"
-Question submitted by Anonymous
You love unconditionally and hope for the best. That’s what we all have to do. When it comes down to it, every love we have is uncertain. Anything can happen at any moment and living with the expectation of forever is a little silly, if you ask me.
We have to live for now, and we have to love for now. I’m a firm believer that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. I think we love more than once and in many different ways. I think love is so precious. I think we should never limit the amount with which we love another human.
I understand all those fears that come along with loving someone, I get that…but, you guys, no amount of ‘knowing’ how long you’ll be with someone will make any of those feelings less scary or less feelingy.
When you’re starting to feel overwhelmed with “what ifs” and “what abouts” stop and take a deep breath. Look over at the person you’re whatiffing and remember why you’re with them RIGHT NOW. Who cares about two days from now, love that human now. If it’s supposed to last forever, it will. You will both work hard and compromise and communicate and it will work.
The only way to love without the expectation of forever is to know that we never, ever know what our futures will hold. This is a scary, sometimes completely overwhelming thought – but it is the truth. We can plan everything down to the most minute detail; we can get a steady job, have a savings account, date people who we know will help with the laundry and the yard work for that day we have a yard… and the reality is that our plan is never completely ours to execute.
Some of us view that reality in the context of there being a higher power outside of ourselves who has a plan for us. Some of us view that reality by accepting that we cannot control all aspects of life, and that “what will be will be.” Some of us get into the fetal position and cry. All of those responses make sense to me — this shit is scary!
Regardless of how you view the uncertainty of life, though, the most positive approach to loving someone under these circumstances is to appreciate each and every moment for the moment itself. Now – you aren’t the f*cking Dalai Lama, so you aren’t going to be able to do that all the time. I am going to echo Dannielle a bit and say that in those moments when your brain is like HEY ANONYMOUS YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, you should look back at your brain and say, “Listen brain, I know that. I know that and it scares me, but I cannot control it and right now, in this moment, I am happy.”
"what is love? what does it feel like?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
It feels like pooping out cupcakes…
basically… give or take.
Love… it’s so different for every human. i mean, on the one hand, it feels like having a best friend in the world who also is a good maker-outer and makes you giggle so hard you wanna punch ‘em. On the other hand, it feels like having an annoying little sister who makes you wanna cry bc she forgot to pick up toilet paper on the way home. On the other other hand, it feels like christmas and your birthday all the time. It’s scary, it’s confusing, it makes you wanna throw up 30% of the time, makes you wanna sleep 40% of the time and makes you wanna skip down the hallway of your school the remaining 30%.
It starts as one feeling that you’ll never be able to explain and it grows into another feeling you’ll never be able to explain. Love, you guys. It’s that stuff you talk about constantly and you don’t know what you’re saying. It’s the stuff that makes you over think everything you say and do. It’s the stuff that drives you mad and makes you feel completely calm at the same time.
“It’s that can’t-eat, can’t- sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff.” – It Takes Two starring Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
It depends on what kind of love you mean, really.
Falling in love with someone, in my opinion, happens so many times during the course of a relationship. The way we love people grows, expands, shifts, and bends around the paths that our lives take, and it is never, ever constant.
Recently I have been thinking about love as an onion. So romantic, I know. But like, here is how I feel: When you begin to fall in love with someone, it happens through getting to know who they are and how you fit together. That kind of love feels like all of the things Dannielle said up there; it feels like a rollercoaster, it makes you sweat and cry and laugh in places that aren’t even funny, it makes you unsure and more sure than you’ve ever been, and it gives you tunnel vision when your eyes settle on the other person’s sweet, perfect face. That kind of love is the very middle of the onion.
Love is tricky, though, and just when you think you’ve captured it in your hands and you finally understand it, something in the universe will shift. Things will look different. You will realize that even though you know everything there is to know about the person that you love, you only know those things from one angle. You will get scared… sometimes you will run away. Sometimes, though, you will hang on through the shifts and bends and confusions and begin to fall in love all over again. The center of the onion is still there, but now you are forming another layer.
Every layer will have it’s doubts, fears and insecurities… and every layer will teach you new things about yourself and about the other person. The one thing I can tell you is that love is never just one thing, and you won’t ever have to wonder if you’re falling… because there is simply no escaping when it happens.