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“Would it be bad to come out to my mom via email? Is it unfair not to do it face to face?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Nope. Not at all.

I think it’s a great idea because it gives both of you the space you need to process things. If you’re mostly concerned about her feeling like it didn’t mean as much, include that in your email!

I get it. As a parent, you want your kid to be able to talk to you about everything and you want the satisfaction of looking them in the eye and feeling in that moment together. BUT LIKE as the human coming out to their parent, it’s fucking hard. It’s hard to say what you feel and how you feel it and why you want them to know what you feel and how you feel it. And what if you forget to say something, or you say something wrong. Or what if they respond poorly and then you don’t feel comfortable talking about it at all??

I think letters are always a good idea. If you want, you can send the email and say “Please let me know when you’re going to read this, I want to be there, but I’m not as good with words when I’m saying them out loud.” OR you can say, “I really wanted to tell you face-to-face,  but I was afraid I’d chicken out, so I wrote it here, I want to talk to you as soon as you’re done reading.”

There are endless options when it comes to clarification in letter form. You can clear up how much you love your mom. You can clear up how much you value her support. You can clear up why it’s taken you a minute to say something. You have a great amount of opportunity.

I vote do it.

Kristin Says:

Absolutely, 100% do it. If you are worried that your mom might want to have face-to-face time, know that she will get that time and tell her that she will get that time in your email.

I will give you a sample start:

Dear Mom,

I love you and I want you to know that I am only writing you this email because I want to make sure I say things the way I need to, and because talking about important parts of ourselves can be difficult at times. I want you to know that this email is just the very first step for you and I, and that I would love to talk to you more and answer any questions you have, and also totally hug you and things like that after we get past this first step? Cool? Cool.


I love you, Mom.


You know?! Just lay it all out there. That is the beauty of an email or letter. It gives you time to say what you need, it gives your mom time to process (you can put that in there, too!), and it isn’t a final, one-time experience.

Coming out is a journey that only begins with that first statement of identity to another person. Conversations happen, moments are shared, and experiences and dialogue build over time to shape your coming out process.

Remember this is only step one.
Send that email.

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"Help me, I came out to my best friend in an email 7 hours ago and she hasn’t replied to me and I’m freaking out! What if she doesn’t accept me? I explained myself in a really awkward and rambly way because I was nervous. Oh god."

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

If I were you I’d text her and say “I SENT YOU AN EMAIL DID YOU READ IT DO YOU HATE ME WHAT’S GOING ON *dancing lady emoji*” … But I’m not very good at keeping my feelings in with stuff like that. I’ve literally texted Kristin like 5 mins after emailing her something and been like “I WROTE A THING AND I’M EMBARRASSED DID YOU READ IT  BC YOU LIKED MY PIX ON INSTAGRAM HELP” and she’ll be like “I’m in a train inside of a ball outside of New Jersey beside a strange man and there’s no internet” and I’ll be like “ooooooohhh”

Maybe she read it and she feels weird bc she doesn’t know the right thing to say. Maybe she read it and she literally doesn’t give a shit bc it doesn’t matter to her at all. Maybe she read it and she’s scared you have a crush on her. Maybe she read it and she had to run to class. There are literally a million reasons she may have not responded. OR ALSO MAYBE SHE HASN’T READ IT YET.

If it’s bothering you, hit her up. If you can cool your jetz and wait on her, do that. Honestly, there is no wrong answer. She’s your bestie, you guys have a history and a love that can’t be explained to ANYONE. I have faith in y’all.

Kristin Says:

Okay okay. First of all I have never been “inside of a train inside of a ball,” but that sounds fun.

Second of all, SHE IS GOING TO WRITE YOU BACK. I promise. D is right — maybe she is thinking over some things or isn’t sure exactly the right things to say… but I can guarantee you that you are not going to have a story that ends, “And then I never heard from her again.” PROMISE.

I think, that if you feel you were rambly and stuff, and that maybe things were vague, you could also send her a text or a follow-up email that says, “I know I said a lot of words, I am not yet skilled at coming out as a big homo, I hope you still love me, OMG I’M PANICKING THO WHAT IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME.” Or something like that. Just be as real as you can and word vomit the facts: you’re a gaywad, you haven’t told a ton of people, and OMG YOU’RE FREAKING OUT HALP…

You know what that sort of note makes you? A human being who is adorable and relatable and wonderful. It’s also easy to respond to because you are asking one question and that is: “Do you still love me?” Her answer will be yes, even if she has some questions or things are a little wobbly for a bit – and then in two years you guys will tell the story to everyone you know and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Coming out is almost always awkward, you guys. At first it’s weird but then usually by the time you are my age you basically have enough material to do a comedy special based on all of your ridiculous and hilarious coming out moments. <3