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"Is it better to come out to someone in person or through a letter?"

- Question submitted by Todd

Dannielle Says:

It’s better to do what makes you most comfortable. For me, I wanted to talk to my dad face to face. I felt like I needed that for my own piece of mind. HOWEVER, I ended up writing to quite a few friends of mine. There was something about talking to these friends that made me feel like I couldn’t get out the right words with my mouth, you know?

Writing gives us a certain freedom that talking doesn’t. We have the ability to say exactly what we want to say and to answer questions before they’re asked. We can explain to someone exactly how we feel without hoping they’ll just “get it” based on the way we’re acting. We can express emotions we don’t even completely understand, which is nearly impossible in mouth-form.

Some people are really really good at talking, I am not. I’m okay with it, but I’m not awesome. Therefore, I choose to write because that is what’s best for me. Like I’ve said before and I’ll say again, You HAVE to do what makes you feel most comfortable. Coming out is a process, it’s YOUR process, this is totally up to you.

Kristin Says:

There is no “best way to come out.” I know that, in a time where you are unsure about EVERYTHING, all you want is for us to be like: HERE IS HOW YOU DO IT: STEP ONE BAKE A CAKE, STEP TWO EAT THE CAKE, STEP THREE TELL YOUR MOM, STEP FOUR DO A DANCE. And… while you can totally follow those instructions, I have to break it to you: There is no rule book, there is no guidebook, and usually there is also no cake.

What you should know is that, no matter which way you choose to express yourself, things are going to unfold over time and occupy much more than that initial “big reveal” moment. If you come out to someone in person, then you might encounter an awkward pause or two, say a few things you didn’t necessarily mean, laugh in a place that wasn’t even funny, or hug for a few seconds too long and then make a really bad joke. THESE THINGS HAPPEN. The ridiculous moments I have shared with friends when coming out to them in person are some of my favorite stories.

That said, you might want some more space and time for yourself or the other person, and I am always a fan of letter writing for that exact reason. Just make sure that, after you write a letter, you let the person know that you are totally happy to talk to them, answer their questions, ETCETERA.

You are going to do great, no matter what you decided to do. I promise. I have literally come out to people by panicking and shouting “I’M A LESBIAN” and then shiftily looking from side to side in awkward silence, and I am still a living breathing human (with those same friends) today. You know?

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life

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"Hi! I work at BIGCORPORATECOFFEESHOP and recently my boss asked if we could bring our own mugs into work. Naturally, I brought in my Everyone is Gay travel mug. I was quickly pulled aside by my boss and asked to not bring in that mug again because others may see it as offensive. Do I just let it go and bring in a different mug? Or should I have a conversation with her about it since it makes me uncomfortable?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

OH. HALE. NAH.

I would say something if I were you… no, that’s not true.. I would passive aggressively continue to bring in my EIG mug.

BUT THAT’S NOT THE RIGHT WAY TO HANDLE THINGS. If I were you and I had the wits about me, I’d talk to my boss and say ‘Hey, I really love working here and I was a little concerned when you asked me not to bring in my mug, it makes me feel kind of uncomfortable so I was hoping we could talk about it’

If your boss is a decent human they’ll be like ‘sure-zies’ and you guys can talk and you can at least know boss’ reasoning. Boss might be right, I know if I had an ‘everyone is gay’ mug at the BIGCORPORATECOFFEESHOP in my home town it would offend A LOT of people. People would probably report me, make a fuss and stop going to that BIGCORPORATECOFFEESHOP. I’m wayyyy too passive agressive to deal with that and also I don’t deal well with confrontation, so I’d just be crying in a corner.

HOWEVER, I think deep down this isn’t about a mug and it is worth the conversation. Corporate things are weird and there are rules and dumb things and it’s never up to just one human. BUT YOU GUYS, if you have a conversation with your boss, perhaps you can have a convo with your boss’ boss and your boss’ boss’ boss. This is a good thing. Any opportunity to dialogue about issues that are important to you, IT IS A GOOD THING. Talk to boss. Tell boss your feelings and start to make a change in the BIGCORPORATECOFFEESHOP. This one conversaysh could lead to a world of awesome things that BIGCORPORATECOFFEESHOP could do for us gayheads.

Kristin Says:

OMG CAN WE PLEASE START A NATIONWIDE SCANDAL WITH BIGCORPORATECOFFEESHOP? IT WOULD BE SUCH GREAT PRESS.

Sorry, that is totally not the point.

So, here is my question: What is this about? Is it about the word “gay” on the mug, or is it about the implication that “everyone” is gay, and what, specifically is the policy that is being used to enforce you not using this mug? If no one is allowed to have mugs with other company logos, then FINE THEY WIN. If the reason that you cannot have this mug is because CoffeeBoss is worried that people might be uncomfortable with gaythings… then HOLD THE PHONE PEOPLE, NUH-FUCKIN-UH.

I think, if I were you, I would do the following:

1. Temporarily stop bringing the mug.

2. Arrange a meeting with CoffeeBoss, where you explain why you were offended, and where you ask why, specifically, you are being asked to not bring the mug into the store.

3. Get your employee handbook and look up the policies. Is there a policy that is supporting the actions of this boss? My GUT says prolly not – and in that case, you go back to CoffeeBoss and you have a discussion about this, and you PROLLY start bringing in that mug again bc… eff that.

4. If there is a policy that says you cannot bring gay things to work OR if CoffeeBoss still says no without a backing policy, then please send an email to  {drumroll please} SUPER GAY: Everyone Is Gay’s new superhero who can be reached at supergay [at] everyoneisgay [dot] com. We will help you figure it out and right the wrongs.

{high five}

Go team.

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“So I work in a democratic campaign office, I know most everyone in the office is accepting of homosexuality, but when is the right time to let them know? I would prefer it be casually because it isn't really an office memo type deal.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

You know, I think it’s funny how when we grow up we’re like ‘ugh, I can’t do things like I did in high school SLASH college bc now I’m a grown up so everything is different’ WHEN REALLY, shit is kind of the same.

It’s like, you know that one guy/lady in the office who tells everyone’s business to everyone else? Of course you do, everyone knows that person. You know, the one friend you have, SANTEE, that you’re like ‘hey, yea i’m just feeling down bc TRIXIE and I broke up’ and that friend is like ‘omg lets get some pizza’ and you’re like ‘okay see you soon’ then you hang up the phone and dust your hands off bc you know that SANTEE will tell everyone that you and TRIXIE broke up and you now don’t have to go around to all your friends and tell them individually.

It’s the same as high school, you guys, there are certain bitches in our lives who just tell your business and believe-you-me that is NOT always a bad thing. These people are really good vehicles for getting shit out there when you don’t feel like sitting down and having srs convos with everyone you know. Just go up to the SANTEE of your office and be like ‘can i ask you a question’ and when she’s like ‘yea?’ and you’re like ‘i know we don’t know each other that well, which is why i’m asking, bc you seem totally cool and i wanted to know if you think it would effect anyone’s perception of me if they knew I was gay, like, do you think I should hide it or something?’ and she’ll be like ‘oh no, not at all, no one cares’ and you’ll be like ‘thanks, SANTEE, i knew you’d be the best person to ask’ and before you get halfway out of the breakroom #watercooler she’ll have already IMed half the office from her smartphone.

BOOM.

DONE.

Kristin Says:

Here’s the thing, Anon.  I support any means that you choose to declare your gaywad-ness, but in my experience the best way to tell people is to just have open and honest conversation.  It is a slightly gradual thing that will take a few weeks(ish), and then it isn’t this weird situation where people feel like you sat them down to pour your heart out, you know?

Por ejemplo #spanishtuesday, John DonkeyButt will be like, ‘My girlfriend thinks Brad Pitt is so hot, I just don’t get it.  Are you into him?’ And you will be like, ‘Nope, I’m with you.  Angelina all the way.’  Then he’ll laugh and pause and look at you and be like, ‘Wait, really?’ and you’ll be like, “Haha, yeah dude, it’s not a big deal, UNLESS YOU MAKE IT ONE’ and then look at him real angry and then when he looks worried burst out laughing and punch him in the arm.

The next day, when Susie BlueBoobs is like, ‘So, do you have a boyfriend??’ just answer honestly: ‘No, I actually date women, but they are just as big of a pain in the ass as anyone else so I am currently single and waiting for someone who isn’t a big idiot to come my way.’  Then she’ll laugh and be like, ‘Oh man, so you mean even if I give up men forever I’m still screwed?’ and you’ll get real serious and be like ‘DO YOU THINK THIS IS A CHOICE’ and she will get nervous and then you’ll burst out laughing and punch her in the arm.

What I mean to say is, little by little it will become just another part of who you are at the office, and then you’ll look back and remember when you asked Everyone Is Gay for advice and it will all seem so silly because now everyone knows and no one cares except for Susie BlueBoobs who now has a total crush on you, and then you’ll write us again for advice on dating co-workers.

Know what I mean?

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