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"When is it okay to remove my ex on facebook? She was awful and cheated, and now it’s over a year later, and I don’t like my profile being open to people that aren’t a part of my life. My list is small and personal. Is it weird or bad to delete her or will she think I’m not over her or something?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Why do you give a single eff about what she thinks?

You don’t want her in your life, she sucks, it’s over, bye. You know?

I, personally, never delete anyone from social media bc even though someone has broken my heart or pissed me off or let me down, I still care about them. I don’t check up on them all the time, I’ll take them out of my main news feed, etc. But I don’t ever want someone to think I want to erase them from my life because they hurt me, or made me angry, or let me down. Once I’ve loved someone, they’re a part of me.

HOWEVER, if you DON’T want her in your life, if she DOESN’T make you feel good, if you DON’T care about what she thinks, and you DON’T want her to know what you’re up to, DELETE HER. What does it matter if she thinks you’re still not over her? You are. Who cares. Bye exgf!

Kristin Says:

Yea — if the only reason you are keeping her in your list of “friends” is because you are worried about what she will think, it is time to say BUHBYE ADIOS CIAOBELLA SAYONARA TATA aka *clicks finger on ‘delete’ button*

You’re position makes complete sense. Your list is small, she isn’t in your life anymore, she isn’t someone you consider (or want to consider) a close friend, the end.

To all of you ex-gfs out there: if your ex deletes you from social media, it may likely not be about you… it may be about them making positive, healthy decisions about what they do and/or don’t want in their brain-space.

Now, why don’t we all collectively press play on ‘Since U Been Gone’.
Right?!

*dance party*

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"So a little while ago I went this super awesome conference and there were heaps of gay folk. Fast forward to Saturday at the stroke of 12, and I’m gettin’ jiggy on the dance floor. Next thing I know, I find myself in a lip lock with a lady who IS NOT my gf. I shut it down in no time flat, but I feel awful. So my question is, should I tell my girlf about the incident, or should what happened at Creating Change stay at Creating Change?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think you should tell your love the truth.

I know you’re like “it meant literally nothing, I didn’t even want it, and if I tell my girlf it’ll just upset her for no reason.” HOWEVER. If you don’t tell her and she finds out in two years from someone else, you will have officially lost her trust for EVVVVAAARRRRR.

Maybe not forever, but it’s a lot harder to believe that something was ‘insignificant’ or ‘meant nothing’ or ‘didn’t even matter’ if you went out of your way to keep it hidden. At least that’s the way I feel about it. If it was an honest mistake and you were under the influ’ and stopped it immediately, the two of you can have an understanding conversation where you work to build that trust back up. Hell, it might not even take that long.

The longer you wait, the longer it takes to build trust. Honesty is the best policy, yall.

Kristin Says:

Oh god. Now every single person whose boo went to Creating Change is going to be like DID YOU LIP LOCK ANOTHER LADY AND NOT TELL ME AND THEN WRITE TO EVERYONE IS GAY.

Happy Monday! *rings bell in wrestling ring*

My advice is in line with Dannielle’s: honesty is (almost) always the best policy. Yes, it is going to be unpleasant. Yes, you will potentially be misunderstood. Yes, you may have to deal with the aftershocks of this conversation for awhile… but the reality is that you got swept up in something bigger than you, you made a mistake, and you know that it didn’t mean anything. If you keep that to yourself, it will likely weigh on you, and then if you tell your boo in a year it’s going to be SO much bigger than it needs to be.

Explain what happened. Apologize. Give your boo space and let her get upset. Let her be mad and let her misunderstand. Stay strong in what you know happened, and have faith that you’ll be able to work through and build back that trust. We all slip up sometimes, and the best thing for you to do is own up to that mistake, apologize, and work through to the other side.

Also, to the forty other people who now wind up having to ‘fess up… SORRY BOUT IT.

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"I think when people cheat it’s selfish to tell the person they cheated on. If you want to stay with them isn’t it just better to shut up and not hurt them?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think the act of cheating is selfish. Besides, aren’t most cheaters found out anyway?

I mean, really, not telling the person is just kind of cowardly. If you want to be in a relationship with someone, don’t cheat on them. Period. There is no “cheat on them, but don’t say anything” rule because cheating isn’t a thing that should happen in the first place. If you want to be in a relationship with someone and they want to be in a relationship with you, you build a trust that you hope will not be broken. Cheating breaks that trust and lying about it breaks that trust even further.

HOWEVER, if you do cheat on someone, the only way the two of you will be able to work through that is if you tell them. The action was bad, yes, but lying about it is worse. There are second chances in life, people can work through things, but NONE of that is possible if you’re not being honest. Talk about it, be open, admit your mistakes, try to work together. Lying never solves problems, communication does.

Kristin Says:

A. GREE.

I certainly do not think it is selfish to be honest with your partner about a mistake that you’ve made. I think the reason that people generally don’t tell their partner about cheating is because they don’t want to lose their relationship… and that, in my opinion, is the selfish act.

I understand that what you are trying to communicate is, “If I know it meant nothing and I know they won’t understand, then why put them through all of the hurt when it won’t happen again,” but… honestly, f**k that. You mess up, you own it. Sure, they might not understand, sure you might lose a relationship or have some serious issues to work through because of those actions – but if a person goes so far as to take those actions, they need to own them and be honest.

Let me tell you what: if you cheat on a person and you are super upset about it and it was a one time thing and you messed up and you will never do it again and you TALK to your partner, you might lose them, but you might also be able to work through it. If you cheat on a person and never tell them and some day, down the line, they find out… then you aren’t just a cheater. You’re a liar, too.

Short answer: No, it’s not selfish. If you cheat, you own up to that. End of story.

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"About a year ago, my family found out my dad is gay, and had been sneaking around and cheating on my mom. Recently, I've started accepting the fact I'm a lesbian. The only thing keeping me from coming out to my family is all the homophobia due to my dad's dishonesty. How should I handle this?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

HAPPY FATHERS YESTERDAY.

ahem. You should handle your coming out like a regular ole coming out. I know it’s hard, but when it comes down to it, you’re not cheating on anyone, you’re not hurting people and disrespecting them and tearing a family apart with your lies, you know? You just HAPPEN to like lay-days (ladies). I also think this might be a good time to not just HATE your dad for cheating on your mom. Figuring out you’re gay while you’re married and have kids is a REDONKULOUSLY difficult thing to realize. You have to take a step back and recognize that. Your dad isn’t an awful person, he just realized he was gay a little late in life and handled it really poorly. SO FIRST, you should forgive him. Harboring that negativity is only weighing on you, it’s not helpful at all, and your dad might be a good person to talk to. Plus, you’ll be hard-pressed to find anyone in the world who hasn’t made a mistake in life.

BUT ALSO, you just need to bring these concerns to your family. Tell them you don’t want to be lumped into any category because of someone else’s actions. Let them know the reason you’re sharing this part of you with them is because you love them, you want them to be a part of your life, and while you’re scared shitless, you don’t want to just lie or pretend or skirt around the issue. If the only reason your family has homophobic feelings is bc of your dad, hopefully they’ll be able to come around and see you’re not him. You’re not doing ANYTHING to hurt ANYONE in your family, and you deserve to be seen as your own person, you know?

Like any coming out, regardless of circumstance, it’s going to take a hot minute for everyone to be completely comfortable and open. It took years for me to be okay saying ‘my girlfriend’ around my family. Don’t expect it to happen over night, give it time, have patience and be totally open to communicate with your fam about their concerns. You’re going to feel so much awesomer once you talk to them.

Kristin Says:

The disconnect here is that, instead of your family being hurt by your dad’s dishonesty…they are (it seems) blaming that dishonesty on him being gay, and hating on HOMODAD instead of hating on CHEATERDAD. #fathersyesterday

Now, that just ain’t fair…but most shit in this world isn’t SO LET’S MOVE FORWARD.

I am going to bet that your pops was cheating on your mom because he felt that he couldn’t tell anyone about what he was going through. I am not excusing his behavior, but Dannielle is right…the pressure that a person feels without having a wife and kids is plenty (as you are seeing), so the added confusion with a family in tow is sometimes unbearable. Use that nugget of truth when you talk to your family. Tell them that you don’t want to wind up putting them or anyone else through years of dishonesty. Tell them that seeing what your dad went through, and what you are all still going through, has made it clear to you that the best way to move forward is to be honest about who you really are.

While it will take some time (as these things always do), they will be hard-pressed to be upset/mad/whatever at you for telling them that you are a lesbotron if you are doing it, in part, to keep your family together. YOU KNOW?

BOOM.

In other news, I am totally proud of myself for using the word ‘nugget’ and the word ‘lesbotron’ all in one post.

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