"When is it okay to remove my ex on facebook? She was awful and cheated, and now it’s over a year later, and I don’t like my profile being open to people that aren’t a part of my life. My list is small and personal. Is it weird or bad to delete her or will she think I’m not over her or something?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Why do you give a single eff about what she thinks?
You don’t want her in your life, she sucks, it’s over, bye. You know?
I, personally, never delete anyone from social media bc even though someone has broken my heart or pissed me off or let me down, I still care about them. I don’t check up on them all the time, I’ll take them out of my main news feed, etc. But I don’t ever want someone to think I want to erase them from my life because they hurt me, or made me angry, or let me down. Once I’ve loved someone, they’re a part of me.
HOWEVER, if you DON’T want her in your life, if she DOESN’T make you feel good, if you DON’T care about what she thinks, and you DON’T want her to know what you’re up to, DELETE HER. What does it matter if she thinks you’re still not over her? You are. Who cares. Bye exgf!
Yea — if the only reason you are keeping her in your list of “friends” is because you are worried about what she will think, it is time to say BUHBYE ADIOS CIAOBELLA SAYONARA TATA aka *clicks finger on ‘delete’ button*
You’re position makes complete sense. Your list is small, she isn’t in your life anymore, she isn’t someone you consider (or want to consider) a close friend, the end.
To all of you ex-gfs out there: if your ex deletes you from social media, it may likely not be about you… it may be about them making positive, healthy decisions about what they do and/or don’t want in their brain-space.
Now, why don’t we all collectively press play on ‘Since U Been Gone’.
"So a little while ago I went this super awesome conference and there were heaps of gay folk. Fast forward to Saturday at the stroke of 12, and I’m gettin’ jiggy on the dance floor. Next thing I know, I find myself in a lip lock with a lady who IS NOT my gf. I shut it down in no time flat, but I feel awful. So my question is, should I tell my girlf about the incident, or should what happened at Creating Change stay at Creating Change?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I think you should tell your love the truth.
I know you’re like “it meant literally nothing, I didn’t even want it, and if I tell my girlf it’ll just upset her for no reason.” HOWEVER. If you don’t tell her and she finds out in two years from someone else, you will have officially lost her trust for EVVVVAAARRRRR.
Maybe not forever, but it’s a lot harder to believe that something was ‘insignificant’ or ‘meant nothing’ or ‘didn’t even matter’ if you went out of your way to keep it hidden. At least that’s the way I feel about it. If it was an honest mistake and you were under the influ’ and stopped it immediately, the two of you can have an understanding conversation where you work to build that trust back up. Hell, it might not even take that long.
The longer you wait, the longer it takes to build trust. Honesty is the best policy, yall.
Oh god. Now every single person whose boo went to Creating Change is going to be like DID YOU LIP LOCK ANOTHER LADY AND NOT TELL ME AND THEN WRITE TO EVERYONE IS GAY.
Happy Monday! *rings bell in wrestling ring*
My advice is in line with Dannielle’s: honesty is (almost) always the best policy. Yes, it is going to be unpleasant. Yes, you will potentially be misunderstood. Yes, you may have to deal with the aftershocks of this conversation for awhile… but the reality is that you got swept up in something bigger than you, you made a mistake, and you know that it didn’t mean anything. If you keep that to yourself, it will likely weigh on you, and then if you tell your boo in a year it’s going to be SO much bigger than it needs to be.
Explain what happened. Apologize. Give your boo space and let her get upset. Let her be mad and let her misunderstand. Stay strong in what you know happened, and have faith that you’ll be able to work through and build back that trust. We all slip up sometimes, and the best thing for you to do is own up to that mistake, apologize, and work through to the other side.
Also, to the forty other people who now wind up having to ‘fess up… SORRY BOUT IT.
"I think when people cheat it’s selfish to tell the person they cheated on. If you want to stay with them isn’t it just better to shut up and not hurt them?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I think the act of cheating is selfish. Besides, aren’t most cheaters found out anyway?
I mean, really, not telling the person is just kind of cowardly. If you want to be in a relationship with someone, don’t cheat on them. Period. There is no “cheat on them, but don’t say anything” rule because cheating isn’t a thing that should happen in the first place. If you want to be in a relationship with someone and they want to be in a relationship with you, you build a trust that you hope will not be broken. Cheating breaks that trust and lying about it breaks that trust even further.
HOWEVER, if you do cheat on someone, the only way the two of you will be able to work through that is if you tell them. The action was bad, yes, but lying about it is worse. There are second chances in life, people can work through things, but NONE of that is possible if you’re not being honest. Talk about it, be open, admit your mistakes, try to work together. Lying never solves problems, communication does.
I certainly do not think it is selfish to be honest with your partner about a mistake that you’ve made. I think the reason that people generally don’t tell their partner about cheating is because they don’t want to lose their relationship… and that, in my opinion, is the selfish act.
I understand that what you are trying to communicate is, “If I know it meant nothing and I know they won’t understand, then why put them through all of the hurt when it won’t happen again,” but… honestly, f**k that. You mess up, you own it. Sure, they might not understand, sure you might lose a relationship or have some serious issues to work through because of those actions – but if a person goes so far as to take those actions, they need to own them and be honest.
Let me tell you what: if you cheat on a person and you are super upset about it and it was a one time thing and you messed up and you will never do it again and you TALK to your partner, you might lose them, but you might also be able to work through it. If you cheat on a person and never tell them and some day, down the line, they find out… then you aren’t just a cheater. You’re a liar, too.
Short answer: No, it’s not selfish. If you cheat, you own up to that. End of story.
January 24, 2013: 1. A girl I’ve been talking to for three years wants to date me but not be seen with me. What do I do? 2. My gf of two years cheated on me. Help.
“Okay, so, I cheated on my boyfriend with my best friend multiple times (I'm a girl, she's a girl, he's a boy) because I was having huge gay questioning going on. And then I told him. Well, now whenever I hang out with her, he gets mad and explodes at me when we talk. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, but this girl is my best friend, and I don't have many friends. I quit cheating, and he knows that. I do understand why he is upset, but is there a way I can be chill with both of them?”
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I hate to burst your ‘cheating is okay after you apologize’ bubble, but it probably won’t be okay for a while.
I bet you just thought to yourself ‘wow, dannielle just got REAL bitch-mouth on me’ BUT you guys, hear me out. You literally disrespected everything about your relationship with him and can NOT expect things to be okay immediately. Unfortunately(?), relationships are about compromise and you crossed the line so now it is your job to compromise with him. You have to do everything in your power to gain back his trust. If you understand his POV, you shouldn’t even think twice about it. I mean, srsly, put yourself in his shoes…How would you feel?
This isn’t hard you guys, if you fuck around on your boo, you don’t hang out with the person you fucked around with. That’s just common sense. I get it, she’s your best friend, but not anymore, now she’s the girl you hooked up with. You have to take a step back and prioritize some things.
MAYBE IN THE FUTURE (via ingrid michaelson) it’ll all BE OK BE OK BE OK (via ingrid michaelson) but you SORT OF (via ingrid michaelson) have to be patient and understanding and wait it out, maybe even until DECEMBER BABY (via ingrid michaelson)
Yeahhhhh soooo, Dannielle and Ingrid are 100% right on this one.
You broke your boo’s trust, plain and simple. It is wonderful that you love him more than ever and that you want to put all the pieces back together again, but that takes time and patience and flexibility. The way to get back to chillville is by asking your boyfriend what he needs, listening, and doing everything you can to make that a reality for him.
If he says that he needs you to not see your bestie for a few weeks so that he can just calm the fuck down, take a deep breath and understand that the planet won’t fall to pieces in 21 days. Tell him that you love you best friend and that she is always going to be a part of your life, but that because you were the one who dropped the giant ball of cheat on his toes, you want to make that process as easy as possible.
Right now your boyfriend, I am sure, feels like he has lost his part of control in the relationship. Do more for him than you think is necessary, and explain to your best friend that everything you are doing for the next few weeks or months or whatever is so that you can be a part of her life while still having a healthy relationship.
Everyone will KEEP BREATHING (via ingrid michaelson) and your boyfriend will start to feel less like he has been thrown OVERBOARD (via ingrid michaelson), as long as you take our advice, STARTING NOW (via ingridmichaelson).