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"I just got a crazy promotion at work. I’m super excited about it, but now I have to wear FANCY clothes. Everyone I work with is amazing, but we have clients from all over and I’m worried because I’m a lesbian and I prefer mens fancy clothes, I’ll make them uncomfortable… help?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Here’s the thing.

If you got promoted and all of a sudden had to start wearing a taco costume, you’d feel uncomfortable and you wouldn’t be able to do your job JUSTICE. This is basically the same thing. You should wear what makes you feel comfortable.

THIS IS THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT LIFE. The way you dress / the way you feel in the clothes you wear is so important. It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks, if you feel confident and comfortable you will BE CONFIDENT AND COMFORTABLE and people will respond to that.

Clients from all over will be like “That CHEESESTICK was so in the game! WE’LL TAKE IT!” (that was me assuming your name is CheeseStick and assuming you sell vending machines). There is no way they’ll say “Wow, cheesestick was so cool and knew exactly what was up but OH MAN DID YOU SEE THAT BUTTON UP.” …. that doesn’t even make sense. OH AND PS: Everyone you work with is down?!?!?! Come on!!! You got promoted because YOU (and that includes the YOU that wears men’s fancy clothes) YOUUUUU are the best human for the job.

Feel good about the clothes you put on your body and you won’t even have to think about how great you are at your job, it’ll just flow naturally.

Kristin Says:

F*ck to the YES.

I love love love love love the point Dannielle made about the fact that YOUR ASS GOT PROMOTED BY BEING THE HUMAN YOU ALREADY ARE. *fist pump**headbang**sprinkler dance*

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You wear what you’ve always worn, which are the items that make you feel comfortable. If you put on clothing that makes you uncomfortable OR a taco suit, you are going to make everyone else uncomfortable as well bc you will not be able to be your badass self.

There’s a quote from olden times that I think will really resonate here:

“YOU DO YOU.”

I am so f*cking happy for you, and anyone out there who doesn’t buy your vending machines because of your button down can SUCK IT, because the rest of the world is going to hoist you up on their shoulders and be like THIS PERSON IS MY FAVORITE VENDING MACHINE SALESPERSON IN ALL THE LAND and your house will be covered in trophies and you’ll get a button down sponsorship from JCrew and the person who didn’t buy the vending machine will be super sad and apologize anyway.

This is awesome.
You are awesome.
Send us a picture of your first meeting as a promoted human so we can share with the universe.

PS: Have you guys heard of Kipper Clothiers? If you are in the market for fancypants/badass clothing, they make custom suits and are pretty awesome.

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"I’m thinking of taking a job (or at least, applying for one) that would have me very closeted, and living with my parents. If I got the position, I would probably take it—it is a lot more money than I am making right now, and it would be a good thing for my career in the long run. But how to maintain self-identity in the meantime?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I, honestly, don’t completely understand the need to be out at work. Regardless of who I was dating or what their gender was, I was never the kind of person who constantly talked about my relationship with my co-workers. It’s always made me feel a little weird. I’m a pretty private person when it comes to my relationships, so NOT coming out never bothered me or made me feel like I was lying. PLUS, being gay isn’t the only part of my identity, you know?

HOWEVER, I understand that some people are not like me and they can’t just NOT talk about a part of them.

You and I are basically the same human bc I would take the job, too. Keeping work / personal life separate isn’t that difficult. I mean, after a while you start to make really good work friends and maybe you go out a few times, you get to know each other and they’re your one person who ACTUALLY knows you as a human. Make sure the people you’re hanging out with / dating know your stance on the situation, because if you’re out and you just introduce your girlfriend by name without saying she’s your girlfriend, you stand to really hurt her feelings. Just be open with the people you care about and you’ll be totally fine. PROMISE.

Kristin Says:

Dannielle and I are very different when it comes to keeping our feelings in. I have a really, really hard time being closeted in any capacity at the workplace, because I like to make a million friends and have long conversations and I always feel weird and like I am lying if I have to skirt around certain topics.

I certainly agree that it is no one’s obligation to be out ANYWHERE, and if you are like Dannielle, then perfect — the above will work wonderfully. If, however, you are more like me, then this could be a little more challenging for you. Putting myself in your shoes *slips on converse* I would say that the first step would be to look at this as a temporary, and ever-changing situation. You aren’t going to be living at home with your parents forever, and you aren’t going to have to closeted at work forever.

Second, I would talk to my close friends and my girlfriend, and explain that I was feeling really conflicted, but that it seemed like the right choice was to do this for now and see what came of it. Let them know you will need them even more as a support system, so that in those moments when you tell your coworker that you just “aren’t interested in dating right now,” you can go outside and call them up to tell them how weird it feels and how nothing is fair and you are angry, etcetera.

Third, I would urge you to take this day by day with yourself. I am sure that the job is a good one, and important to your future… but that NEVER, EVER means you should be hurting yourself deeply on a daily basis. If this is something that, after you begin it, finds a rhythm and you have moments of frustration but are feeling content overall, then okay. If you find that it is weighing on you and causing you a lot of stress, you have to re-evaluate the importance of things. You being depressed and angry all the time and feeling trapped will affect your relationships and your life as a whole. If that is how this begins to affect your life, you should consider making choices that will allow you to be you. Period.

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“Hi ladies. :) I'm an aspiring musician. I'm also bisexual, but I'm only out to my close friends. Not being upfront about who I am and who I like goes against everything I believe in, but being out could plausibly hinder my career. Music is my life, and I've always put it before everything. But I also don't want to spend my whole life in hiding. What do you think I should do?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Here’s the thing. Your private life is YOUR BUSINESS. For a long time I didn’t even want people to know I was gay for that very reason. I wanted to succeed in the Entertainment industry and (as annoying as it is), I knew it might get in the way. I, honestly, think you can keep it on the DL without feeling bad. It’s stupid that it matters and it’s stupid that people care so much. It’s like WHO CARES who you’re dating? I, actually, prefer when someone doesn’t comment either way. I think if you go out of your way to make your personal life people’s business, the more they bug you about it, the more that becomes your career and the less your music matters.

Think about it, when you think about Tegan & Sara the first thing you think about is the fact that they’re gay, then you mention their music. When you think about Kristin and Dannielle, the first thing you think about is we’re gay and then you say we have a website. When you think about Ellen the first thing you think about is the fact that she’s gay, and then you mention she’s a comedian/actress/genius/perfect. You know?

This isn’t a bad thing, but sometimes it can put you in a box that’s hard to get out of #lolbox #lolhard. Don’t feel like you’re in hiding b/c you don’t want everyone up in your business. Maybe I’m taking the wrong side of this argument and tiny lesbians all over the world will be like ‘BUT WHO WILL WE LOOK UP TO’ …you’ll get a lot of shit for it, the same way you’d get a lot of shit for being out. Just be prepared. Life, you know?

OMG BUT YOU’RE GOING TO BE AWESOME AND IT’S THE MUSIC THAT MATTERS AND THEY’RE GONNA LOVE YA! YOU’RE A STAAAAAAAAAR

Kristin Says:

Let me tell you something: What you do now does not have to be what you do forever.

You can choose to be out to all of your friends and all of your family, but elect to not speak about your personal life when it comes to your career.  Exactly as Dannielle said, especially in the music business, there is an unfortunate tendency to group female lesbian musicians all under one giant short-haired-and-edgy category.  It fucking sucks, and it is lame and untrue, but it exists.

The internet has posited us all in a world where people feel that they deserve access to the personal lives of those in the entertainment industry, and it is something that I disagree with wholeheartedly.  You make music because you want to make music, not because you want to share everything about yourself with your fans.  If you reach a point where you feel comfortable coming out to the public, that is wonderful, and you will be an instant role-model for some baby bisexuals…but that sure as fuck is not your job, and it sure as fuck is not ‘hiding.’

My advice is to tell the truth, always.  If you are asked about your sexuality, do not say, “no I am not bisexual” …just say, “I am a supporter of the LGBTQ community but I choose to keep my personal life personal.”  You will probably take some shit for it, but try to stay strong and know that you are the only person who makes choices for you.

If you fall in love with a wonderful woman and you get married and you have a baby and you are like, “Fuck this, I can’t NOT show the world this adorable baby,” well, then, go ahead!  Your choices are not permanent, they are to be made according to where you are in the moment that you make them.  Go make some goddamn music, and fuck anyone who tells you what to do.  You know?

#dontactuallyfuckthem

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"I am 100% gay. I have known that for as long as I have been conscious of my own thoughts. I never came out to anyone though until a few months when I (accidentally) came out to a good friend. She has been encouraging me to come out to other people, but I'm hesitant to do that. In fact, I'm hesitant to do anything that would ever let anyone know that I'm gay ever again. Two reasons.

1. I want to be Secretary of State. Really I do. That's a tough goal as it is. Can I really afford to complicate my chances of reaching it further by making public my gayness?

2. I want kids. I am planning on adopting. Maybe I'm a horrible person for saying this, but I don't want to raise children with another woman. I feel like that would be making my children's lives unnecessarily harder. Beyond that, adopting as a gay couple is usually harder than as a single woman, crazy as that is.

Oo...third reason! I love my family and I am very close to them, but I know that they would never be okay with me being gay. Ever. If they found out, I would go from golden child to black sheep to beat all black sheep.

So I'm thinking I'll just stay single for the rest of my life, have my political career and raise my adopted children. It's not ideal. I am very much attracted to a woman now and I'm sure that I will continue to develop these strong crushes, but I feel as though I'll have to sacrifice some of my most important goals in life if I start a gay relationship. Thoughts?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Well, when it comes down to it, you’re going to do what you want despite what we tell you to do. Furthermore, I don’t want to tell you what to do. I DO realize at this point in time, our country is run by republicans, churches and money. I DO realize this has a mad effect on your career choice, but there have been gays in the senate before, so we have a little bit of hope. Besides, Hillary Clinton is only, like, the third LADY Sec. of State, so you’re already having to clear some hurdles with that bad boy.

You don’t have to wear your pride on your sleeve no matter what your career choice is. Hopefully, the person you’re with will understand that you don’t want to flaunt your relationship. Honestly, it shouldn’t be an issue. There are a lot of amazing things you can do within our government, and I’m not sure how old you are, but there is always a chance things will be completely different by the time you reach that point.

That being said.

Falling in love is hands down the most amazing experience you could ask for. If you force yourself to avoid that experience, you are seriously missing out. You will never get from a career, what you can get from someone who loves every piece of you for who you are. You will never be as happy raising a child alone as you will raising a child with your other half.

Everything in life comes down to one decision: you or them.

Are you living your life for yourself or for everyone else. Do YOU want to be happy, or do you want to be unhappy to make THEM happy. Just think about it before you make any rash decisions, and take it day to day. You can’t plan your entire life right now b/c you have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow.

Kristin Says:

I agree with pretty much everything Dannielle has said here…and I think your decision can be only that: your decision. The only input that I have is to tell you that this list of goals that you have is very clear, concise, specific, and logical. I often find that I have the ability to reason with this part of myself; in the moments when I can, everything fits nicely into a neat and tidy to-do list. However, I have another side that is emotional, unpredictable, and passionate. Personally, I know that I would never be able to operate solely in the logical, list-making head space. There is a place for that, but I would not feel that I was truly living my life if I didn’t also experience the passionate unpredictability of falling in love.

I am a person who aims to change the world around me by being honest about who I am, and challenging myself and others to accept that person. That being said, I would never argue that this is the “right” way. We all have very specific reasons for making choices in our lives, and I would never be so bold as to tell you what is the right choice for you. Do try, though, to make decisions that make you feel {truly) happy. It’s the only way to get what you want out of this backwards and confusing world.

 

 

 

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