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"Im twenty seven and finally realizing im gay i want to start dating women but i worry at my age will that make me undesirable being that i have no experience with a women. what are your thoughts?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think you’re totally wrong. omg. I just sounded so mean, but I was trying to sound comforting… SORRY ABOUT ME.

People of ALL AGES are discovering right now that they maybe wanna do it with people of the same gender. It just happens how it happens and for the most part, we all totally get that.

I think it’s possible you will run into some people who will scoff at the fact that you’ve slept with men, or who will be like ‘is this your first time?’ and roll their eyes… but do you ACTUALLY want to be with those assholes?

Like anything in life, there will be people who get it, or who don’t care, or who actually think it’s interesting/intriguing/fun/cute/whatever AND there will be people who are not into it at all. When you meet those people, remember it is not because there is something wrong with you. You’re perfect and you’re doing all the right things and you are not UNDESIRABLE. You’re simply not meant to have a THING with that human.

Good thing we are all different humans.

Kristin Says:

Having no experience with a woman does not make anyone undesirable.

I know that I am putting a big blanket statement over something that is, perhaps, opinion-based… but I just cannot understand why your lack of experience with ladies would make you undesirable in a physical capacity. Getting with anyone is an experience specific to that particular person, and so even though maybe you will be a little more nervous and ask a few more questions… we all ask questions and are a little nervous when we are making out with a different human for the first time.

You should feel comfortable (at least as comfortable as possible) being open about your questions and your newness to it all. The more you know that those things are not turn-offs, the easier it will be for you to be honest and, in turn, the easier it will be for you and your makeout partner to go with the flow (which SPOILER ALERT makes for a f*cking fantastic makeout/doin’ it session).

You may stumble upon a few people who are a little nervous because they think ‘oh shit but what if this person decides they actually don’t like ladies after we start dating and i have feelings,’ and that will be something you have to negotiate on a person-by-person basis. My personal feelings on that matter are that, as people, we want what we want when we want it. I don’t think a ‘newness’ to being gay takes any of your gayness away from you, and I think you have every reason to be trusted just as much as the next gay.

In sum… This is super exciting! You are realizing who you are and what makes you, you, and you are about to go after all the things that make you happy. You are going to find a lot of people who are just as excited for you, and who also want to mash mouths with you and touch your boobs and stuff. IT’S GONNA BE GREAT.

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"My girlfriend of almost two years wants to get married, like, next year. She’s serious; she even wants to buy rings, etc. I want to be with her too and marry her some day, but I think it’s too early for me to get married (I’m 23, she’s 26), and I think it’s too early in our relationship to get married. So I keep telling her that it’s too early blah blah, but she thinks I’m rejecting her! What do I do? Please help."

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

ALMOST TWO YEARS. That’s it?!!? You guys, that’s like 1/40th of your lifespan.

Okay, I’m being dramatic, that’s a fine amount of time to talk about marriage and get rings etc. But here’s my feeling on the situation… What’s the rush? The two of you want to be together forever, right? You’ve had the conversation, you feel the same feels, you don’t want anyone else, THAT’S AWESOME… Why do you have to put a ring on it right this second?

Also, it’s really hard to explain to someone “I want to be with you forever and ever and ever and I want to wear a ring but like i don’t want that ring right now because… ” I DONT KNOW.

I would ask your boo why she’s in such a rush. SERIOUSLY ask her, though. Don’t just say it in a backhanded way and then stomp off to your room with a box of cap’n crunch. Ask her and listen to her. Acknowledge what she’s saying and tell her why you’re uncomfortable.

I had no fucking clue who I was when I was 23 years old. I mean, I thought I knew everything and I felt okay about where I was, but I’ve changed so much. I’ve grown so much. I would feel WAY more comfortable sharing my life with someone as I am now. Getting married isn’t just about saying ‘hey i love this human’ you can do that with a necklace and a trip to Florida. Getting married is about so much more and if you’re not there, you’re just not. It doesn’t mean you love her any less.

Kristin Says:

I know I just quoted Dannielle yesterday but, you guys, remember how you can tell someone you love them with “a necklace and a trip to Florida”? Dannielle is my favorite person.

ON TO ADVICE.

Getting married really is a totally huge deal. I am 32 years old and only within the last handful of years did it start to feel like, “Okay, this life thing is still pretty nuts, but I know myself and I know this person, and I am ready to take this step.” That didn’t mean I didn’t love the people I was with before being able to take that step, it meant that I respected myself and my relationship enough to know what we were ready for, and what we were not. You are making the right decision by waiting until you feel more comfortable.

I would say something like, “I love you and I want to be with you, and I want to be with you forever. The thing about forever, though, is that it can start now without us getting married, and that the journey we are going to go on together is going to have a lot of dips and bends and curves… I want to be able to grow more before we take that step, so that I can feel more prepared for those things. I want to work to prepare for our marriage, and I want to work together to be able to communicate that to you in a way that lets you know I love you, always.”

Be patient with her frustrations, and be reassuring. The bottom line is that, if she is able to be patient with you and work to understand where you are coming from, then you will be able to grow with her to a place where you are both ready to take those steps together, at the right time for you both.

ALSO TELL HER PLANNING A WEDDING IS RIDICULOUS AND SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S GETTING INTO AND SHE SHOULD THANK YOU FOR MAKING HER WAIT.

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"My parents want me to stay in the closet till I'm eighteen. That's three years. Should I tell them how I really feel and risk ruining everything with them or do what they want? They think I'm not ready for the real world but I know what it's like. How can I get them to realise I'm not some stupid teenager rushing into this without thinking?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think you should absolutely tell them how you feel. There isn’t really anyway for them to KNOW what your process is or what you’re going through or what you’re feeling if you don’t tell them.

Chances are they’ll still be worried for you, I mean, isn’t that what our parents do best? Worry?

If I were you (keep in mind I’m terrible at conversating, so maybe you don’t need to do this) I would make a list of the reasons you want to come out now. You can just make it in your head, but prepare yourself for the questions they’ll have and answer them in your head (or on paper) ahead of time. If they’re concerned that you “aren’t thinking” and you have answers READY TO GO, it’ll just help them to realize you totally are thinking. You know what I mean?

Parents baby us for our entire lives. They don’t MEAN to, but like, we are their kids. Sometimes they need a slight reminder that we are also grown-ass-humans. Now is a good time to remind them. You know what you want to do and this is your life and you have to do what’s best for you, let them know your decision. I SUPPORT YOU.

Kristin Says:

I agree one million thousand percent. You should speak with your parents and, like Dannielle said, you should prepare yourself as best as you can for that conversation.

It is very hard for parents to transition from a place where they have to tell us not to put our hands on the stove, not to eat only twizzlers for breakfast, and not to color a mural on their living room wall, to a place where they understand us as people capable of making informed decisions. Try to look at this conversation as the first step toward a place where they will begin to understand you as a smart, capable person. They aren’t quite there yet, but that is okay. They will get there.

My personal opinion is that this is your life and your identity, and ultimately your choice. However, that doesn’t mean that I think you should just walk in and say, “Parents, this is my life so I am doing what I want.” I think you should give them the chance to be a part of this process, and I think that you should listen to their concerns honestly and openly.

Sit them down and tell them that you love them. Tell them that you know they are worried for a lot of reasons, and that you’d like to talk about those things more—but that you are living this experience and very much feel that you need to be able to come out on some level to feel like a complete person. Tell them that you would love to have their support in any way they can give it, and that if they would like to help you figure out the path forward, that would be incredibly helpful.

Hear their concerns, explain your position, listen, and make informed decisions based on that entire experience. Be respectful of them at every turn, be patient, be open, be firm. Don’t rush into anything. Express yourself clearly. If the conversation needs space, return to it in a week or so when things have calmed down. It isn’t going to be easy, and it might even be unpleasant, but it is hard to help our parents to a place where they let us grow up… and this is your first step.

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