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"My best friend keeps bringing up that I have done next to nothing sexual. She does it jokingly, but it’s a very sore subject for me.. I don’t know if it’s just an insecurity of mine or if she’s being insensitive or both? PS I argued that according to a 2006-2008 CDC survey 54% of teens haven’t had sex, but she said that most teens wouldn’t report it. Do you have insights into this subject and to my problem?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I can’t give you stats because my insight is that your sexual experiences have literally nothing to do with the sexual experiences of those around you. I don’t care how many people your age have or haven’t had sex and how they’ve done it and how many times they’ve done it and with what kind of people they’ve done it, none of that matters.

The bummer in this situation is your friend, making you feel shitty for having a preference. Sex is like anything else in the world. You have to do the things that make you feel best. When you are making decisions about sex, do what it is that you want. Have sex when YOU want, with whom YOU want, how YOU want, and ask for the things that make YOU feel good. It doesn’t matter what your friends and your magazines and your statistics say. Don’t do it just to do it, don’t do it to prove a point, don’t do it because of your age, do it because you WANT to.

Tell your friend just that. She can keep making jokes, but you’ll do the sexy things you want to do when you want to do them, AND once you do them… you might not even tell her because you should only tell people about your sexitimes IF YOU WANT TO. Also, the last thing she wants is for you to have sex with someone you don’t want to have sex with just because she’s pressuring you. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!?!

Kristin Says:

Agree on all counts HOWEVER, there was a tiny piece of that question that wondered whether or not you were interpreting her behavior a particular way because your were feeling insecure. I want to look at that for a hot second, and give your friend here the benefit of the doubt, just in case that is an important little clue you left for us…

There is a chance that your friend, in truth, doesn’t give a flying fuck when you have sex, what you do, or how you do it. There is a chance that your friend is, in actuality, your friend, and so cares more about you than what you are doing with your body parts. There is a chance your friend thinks that she is making light of a silly thing called sex, but that because this whole goddamned world makes us all feel like sex is a Holy Grail of achievement, that you are hearing her jokes as weighty judgements.

My advice is to start there, and start there in two ways:

1. Think about what Dannielle said. Really, truly think about it. Sex is fun for people who enjoy sex and who are ready for sex, absolutely… but like… it’s not the big mysterious all-powerful monstrosity of a thing that the world makes it out to be. It is bodies on bodies making biology do a thing that makes more biology do things that makes us FEEL GOOD BC OF BIOLOGY. You can get some of the same brain-responses from eating a cookie (I don’t actually know this to be true, but I am sure there is cookie/sex science somewhere?). Like D said, you do things when and how you want to do them and you tell who you want and you move along on your own journey. Anyone who judges you is a total dummy.

2. Talk to your friend!!! In a moment where sex is not at all even remotely being talked about, say, “Listen. You know how you’ve had sex and I haven’t had sex and sometimes you make casual jokes about it? I am having a hard time being casual in my brain, because I feel really conflicted about the fact that I haven’t had sex yet, and I am trying to work through what I even want when it comes to sexy stuff and feeling all sorts of wobbly. Is it cool if we put a temporary hold on the jokes for now, and if I want to talk about things more I will let you know?”

I think the odds are high that your friend will hear you out. Especially as a human who has supposedly had sex, she MUST know that it really isn’t a thing that is the same for any two people or worthy of such pressure. Yeah? Yeah.

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