"I moved to a new city in the Fall and started dating a lady. This is my first romantic/queer relationship! She is much older than me. l I met her entire family for the holidays after 1 month of dating! She wanted me to define "us" shortly after and texts me/wants to see me everyday. I've told her I needed space but she'd bombard me with texts like "You don't care, why are you with me, you're too young, I'm just your entertainment, etc." She also yells a lot. It stresses me out! What should I do?"

Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

This is not a healthy relationship and this is not an appropriate or respectful way to treat someone, END OF STORY.

Since this is your first queer/romantic relationship, I need you to know something important: There are oh-so-many humans out there who will NOT yell at you all the time, who will be able to hear you when you express YOUR needs, and who will have the ability to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. This person you are dating is obviously struggling with some deep-seated insecurities surrounding commitment – which is understandable and even surmountable with time and work, but something that she needs to work on without dragging you through it and disrespecting you during the process.

In my opinion, you should do one of two things:

1. Break up with her. I truthfully think that, given what you’ve said here, this person is not going to be able to hear what you need enough to work on themselves while in a relationship. Explain that you are not in the same place, and that it would not be good for either of you to continue further. If she will not let this drop and the situation escalates, leave the conversation. If necessary, block her phone, block her socials. Make it a clean break – this situation desperately calls for that kind of action.

2. Explain yourself and try one more time. If you think that I’ve read this too harshly and you want to try a longer-arc approach, make plans to have dinner in a public place. At dinner, explain to her that you are not ready for the level of commitment she is after, and that you need for things to either slow down considerably, or for things to end. If she yells at you, tells you that you are wrong, or implies in any way that you cannot both need space and also care about her, that is when you end things and refer to suggestion #1. If she listens to you and is willing to work & step back a bit, etc, then you can give it a shot… but BE VIGILANT. Giving you space means she is actually going to give you space, not just say she will give you space and then berate you any time you actually take it.

Listen. Relationships of any kind, regardless of age, age difference, or anything else, require respect and communication. What you are saying here can be pared down to: My girlfriend does not listen to how I feel, does not consider what I need, and does not respect me as a person. That is all I ever need to hear to say: end it. You deserve better.

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3 thoughts on “She Won’t Let Me Take Any Space

  1. Oh no honey, get out of there. My ex, my first relationship, was insecure and used his anxiety to hold me to a lot of unreasonable standards like checking in at every step of my process going home, or being paranoid about me “acting crazy” after having one beer because he had an alcoholic ex and trying to control when I drank (I have a healthy relationship with alcohol and no family history of substance abuse whatsoever.)That shit messes with your mind. I spent way too much time trying to fix that relationship that just got worse. Then finally, I left him for my now girlfriend, who is amazing, my rock, and treats me like a princess. You can have that too. You don’t deserve that mess, especially for your first relationship you’re not into that deeply. Don’t waste your time trying to make it work with this person, they’re not worth the trouble. It’s a red flag that they’re much older than you and you seem to be the one who has things more together and they have not developed enough as a person to have any chill.

  2. My daughter school teacher called me and gave me the news; she confided in her and told that she doesn’t feel that belongs to the female body. !SHOCKED! I don’t know how to break the silence and ask my 12 years old what she is feeling? How to find out that is true, and not a “attention here” needed. Lately she is dealing with lot of puberty problems. As parents, we don’t know what to do, how to handle the situation.

    1. Hello!! Thank you sooo so much for reaching out about this. We are working hard to answer your question over on My Kid Is Gay (mykidisgay.com), our site for parents and families! In the meantime, you can check out the following links:

      Our section on gender: http://mykidisgay.com/category/gender/
      The Defining Series: http://mykidisgay.com/category/defining-series/
      More coming out advice: http://mykidisgay.com/category/dear-mkig/coming-out/

      You can also pick up a copy of “This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids,” which has an entire section about gender! http://mykidisgay.com/the-book/

      <3

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