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"I’ve been in a relationship for a while now and I figured out that I’m the only one always cuddling her and doing everything to "physically please" her.. While she rarely does the same to me! What’s wrong? Do I have to bring this question out to her?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Uhm. Yes. You absolutely have to talk to her. I wish you were here in real life so I could ask you “HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON!?!??!”

If this is new, maybe she’s not as comfortable and needs to work up to it? Or she feels like she doesn’t know what to do and she’s embarrassed? Or maybe when you collapse next to her, so thinks that means ‘okay i’m done goodnight’ instead of ‘get on top of me.’ If this is not new at all, then I am really sorry you’ve been dealing with this for so long and WHAT IS THE DEAL!?

Either way, you should talk to her about it. Be sensitive though, saying “i want something different in the bedroom” pretty much automatically makes the person feel self-conscious / kinda shitty. Instead highlight the things you LIKE about what she does. If she isn’t doing much, it’ll be even easier. You can literally say “I love it when you touch me” and THAT tells her brain she should touch you more. Or for cuddles tell her you love the way it feels to be in her arms, her brain will be like “put arms around booboo more.” Also, if you guys are in the middle of it and she’s touching you like a little bit, but it’s obvious she’s about to give up and go to sleep, just tell her not to stop. because like if someone says “don’t stop” and then you do stop… YOU’RE THE WORST. So, if that happens, you will know she is officially the worst.

Kristin Says:

Yup, yup, yup.

This is definitely a thing that needs to be spoken about because a lot of times – and ESPECIALLY with touching / cuddling / bonin / whathaveyou – communication gets really muddled.

Most of us are PRETTY SENSITIVE when it comes to physical stuff, and so there is a chance that she has interpreted something that you’ve done as a grand symbol that you like to be the one in control, or the one who initiates, or that one who is the CUDDLER while she is the CUDDLEE. #cuddlee

Those things might have happened recently, or right at the outset of the relationship, or in some other relationship that wasn’t even YOURS, but they are now affecting your situation. All you have to do is what Dannielle says (which is a great life-motto, anyhow), and approach it from a positive place. Say, “remember that time when you did {this thing you did where you touched me}? I loved that.” Or, if she has literally never done anything, say, “You know, sometimes when we make-out I think about {you doing this thing where you are doing the touching slash you are in control} and it makes me really happy.” Encourage her to try different ways of being with you, and in turn, try different ways of being with her.

The best thing about cuddlin’ and makin’ out and bonin’ is that there is a lifetime of different combinations and ways of being and so, as long as communication remains open, you have a ton of stuff to explore and re-invent.

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