"How do I tell my girlfriend I don’t want to move in with her? I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I don’t think living together already is the best thing for me."
- Question submitted by Anonymous
With your mouth and your words.
It seems like a really dramatic, horrible, uncomfortable thing. HOWEVER, the more calm, cool, and collected you are, the better. Right now you’re like ‘I’M GOING TO HURT HER FEELINGS BC I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER’ but in reality, you just need more time. You aren’t saying “i don’t love you” or “i don’t like being with you” or “i don’t want to live with you.” You’re simply saying you need more time, you like having your own space, and you look forward to leaving that alone time to go see your boo.
Different people need different things at different times. You have to be on the same page and she has to be down with it. There is no way I could live with someone right now. I’m just not at a place in my life where I would feel okay sharing all of my space and time with another human. Talk to me in six months, maybe things will be different, but like that’s where I’m at, y’all.
Be honest with her. You needing your own space for a little longer should not be a deal breaker. You still love her, you still want to be around her all the time, you still think she’s the fucking best. Tell her that.
I agree wholeheartedly with Dannielle — and I also think it really commendable that you know yourself enough to know what you need. I was not nearly so aware on the first few go-rounds with my girlfriends… moving in always seemed like a completely reasonable thing, and I rarely thought about the long-term meaning of such a decision.
There are a ton of totally fun and wonderful things that happen when you move in with someone, sure. You can (and should) talk about those positive elements and explain that you ARE excited to take all of her clothes from her all of the time, that you ARE excited to never have to pack a bag again, and that you ARE excited to make fun of her morning routine of spilling coffee on each and every one of her pajama shirts. Start the conversation there, so that she has a foundation of love and support.
There are also, however, many excellent reasons to wait on moving in with your boo. Getting to pick her up for a date-night is a romantic moment that isn’t as common once you live in the same house, getting to miss each other when you take your “alone nights” is also something that will rarely happen. Explain that you want to be with her, and that moving in is important to you in the longer term, but that you want some more time to explore and enjoy those elements that only come from living apart.
It’s okay to hurt people’s feelings sometimes — even when you love them. In fact, it’s inevitable. She may be sad, and she may even be a bit unreasonable at first… try to support those feelings (it’s easy to feel insecure!), and remain strong in how much you DO care, and how that caring for you and your relationship is what is informing your choices.
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