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“My wife recently came out to me as bi. We've been together for ten years and married for five. I love her, but am not entirely surprised because she's never been one to keep her pervy comments about Johnny Depp or Winona Ryder or some ladies in spandex on America's Got Talent to herself. She's only ever had sex with one person - me - and says that she loves me and is attracted to me, but wants my permission to explore her sexuality. In other words, she wants to sleep with a woman (or women?) while still in our marriage and I'm not really sure if I'm okay with that. I don't want to lose her, but I guess I'm secretly afraid I'll lose her to women or the complications of this openness would simply be too hard on our marriage anyway. What do you think about her request? We were so young when we met, but I don't know about an open marriage either.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:


I would NOT be comfortable if I were in your sitch. Not because your boo likes ladies, not b/c she wants to spice up the sexi life, but because I wouldn’t want my boo to want to go around boning anyone else. EVER. I wouldn’t feel comfortable if my girl was like ‘I’m just gonna sleep with men b/c I want to explore’ .. it’s like… If you want to be with me, be with me, if you don’t want to be with me, don’t be with me.

I know, I’m being dramatic. I’ve known couples who sleep with peeps outside of the relaysh and it totally worked for them. I’m just NOT that open. you know?

And THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS YOUR ANSWER. You… If you’re not cool with it, you’re not cool with it. No amount of mine or kristin’s talking can convince you otherwise. You have to be honest with your wifey and be like ‘i’m totally down to appreciate boobs with you, but i’m not down to hear about the boobs you were appreciating the other night’

If you don’t want an open marriage, that doesn’t make you a bad person or weird or different or controlling… You want what you want. Go with your gut.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again.

“You do you, I’ll do me” – Jersey Shore

Kristin Says:

I agree one thousand times one million percent.  It isn’t that I don’t understand your wife’s position, I do.  She got married at a young age and is now learning things about herself that she may not have known years ago, and she may not be able to move forward in a marriage with you until she figures those things out.  That doesnot mean that it is your responsibility to keep quiet about your own feelings and let her bone ladies on the side.  AT ALL.

You are not comfortable with what she needs to do to move forward in her own life, it is your responsibility as her husband to tell her that.  I know that there are mountains and rivers of feelings that will go along with all of this (for both of you), but the simplest answer is: tell her that you love her and want to make a life with her, but that you are not comfortable with her sleeping with anyone else while you are still married.  It is possible to understand her feelings and still not be able to give her everything that she needs.

A million things could happen after you have that talk: she might decide that she wants to stay with you and work through things, she may separate from you and bone a lady and hate it and come running back, you might take her back, you might be in love with a new lady, she might fall in love with that lady, YOU JUST CANNOT KNOW.  Try to keep your thoughts on each step as you take it, be as patient as you can, and always, always be honest with yourself and with your wife.


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