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"My girlfriend still texts with her ex a few times a month. It makes me uncomfortable- she knows this- but she continues to do it. If I were in her position I know she would freak out. She says it’s different because I used to date men. Am I being crazy?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

uhmmmm. I don’t understand why it’s different? I think texting your ex is texting your ex is texting your ex. You know?!?! Who cares what their gender is?! You had a meaningful experience with them and that’s over, so when you talk, it might make your current bingbong (pet name) feel a little weird.

The key here isn’t saying “well if I can’t talk to my exes then you can’t talk to yours.” The key is trusting one another and understanding that we’re going to be friends with people we used to share our lives with and that doesn’t devalue our current relationship(s) in any way. You and capt bingbong have a relationship that has NOTHING to do with the people she used to bingbang. One of my closest friends is an ex. We literally talk every single day. People come into our lives for a reason and sometimes that reason is to be a really fucking great friend. What does it matter if you dated in the past? Maybe hang a few times, just the three of you so you can also start to build a relationship with ex??

I don’t think it’s fair for either of you to make the other one feel like farts for communicating with your exes. I mean, you’re already steps ahead of a lot of people, you’re honest about it. You talk about it. You’re honest about feeling weird. You talk about feeling weird. That’s important and cool. Allow yourself to feel weird, but recognize that bingbong is with you bc she wants to be with you, the same way you are with bingbong bc you wanna be with bingbong. Don’t play the blame game just because it’s easy, this isn’t about comparing who is worse for talking to their ex, it’s about getting to a place where you both feel comfortable with the other person talking to ex-bingbang.

Kristin Says:

I agree with this advice and am pleased with the usage of bingbong and bingbang. Three thumbs up.

In the current situation, both you and your girlfriend are being tasked with being better to each other – simple as that. Your gf needs to be much more sensitive to your feelings, and understand that it is okay for you to feel a little wobbly in the context of her past relationship with bingbong. That, however, does not mean that she should stop texting with bingbong. That isn’t how you solve this problem. It means she hears you, she talks to you about your feelings, and she does her best to explain why bingbong means so much to her, and how that does not affect her love for you.

You are tasked with trusting your gf. That doesn’t mean you can’t have feelings of jealousy or insecurity, but it does mean that she isn’t forbidden from speaking from someone she cares about. You can feel those things without placing the blame on your gf or bingbong, but rather reflecting on your own heart and choosing to trust your gf.

Whole separate situation: It’s totally effed up that she views your past relationships with men differently than hers, and this is NOT. OKAY. Part of your conversation needs to be on the fact that gender doesn’t determine the trustworthiness of a human, nor does it it determine our capacities for forming meaningful relationships after being romantic. Draw a line in the sand on that one… because anything else is unfair and totally unacceptable.

There you have it, folks.
In the words of someone somewhere in my Italian ancestry: Badabing, Badaboom.

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