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“So, I came out to my mother about 8 months ago. She was surprised, but okay with it. However, the issue really hasn’t come up again. There’s been times she’s hinted at being okay with it - like being supportive of equality movements and gay celebrities around me - but I’m not actually sure what that means in terms of me being out. It was hard enough to work up the courage the first time. What should I do?”

- Question submitted by nerdlock

Dannielle Says:

I think what it means is this… She supports you, she loves you, she wants to talk to you, but she has no idea how.

If I were you, the next time your mom says ‘i do think Ellen and Portia seem real happy and Ellen is so funny’ I would say “Yea, I hope I find a girl who makes me laugh as much as ellen probably makes portia laugh” and then your mom might be silent for a minute, in which case you can say, “would that be cool with you?” or she might say “me too, i want you to be happy” and you can feel all warm and fuzzy.

If it’s really bothering you, though, and you don’t want to wait around for you mom to bring up ellen and portia, I would write her a little note that say “Hey mom, I keep wanting to see if you’re okay with me being gay, but I’m always so confused about how to talk about it, I love you and I would like to talk about it…even if it’s awkward”

She’ll probably cry because y’all know how moms cry about stuff like that and then there will be an open forum for one or both of you to actually say some stuff.


Kristin Says:


Dannielle is one million and ten percent correct… if your mom continues to bring up little moments of gayness with you through things like politics and pop culture, that is her way of saying, “I love you and stuff,” while also saying, “Uh, I have never had a gay kid soooo… is this what I am supposed to do?”

I think that, a lot of times, we think that our parents (since they are our PARENTS) will know the right things to say, and will be comfortable talking to us about most things – usually it is the parent who is like, “Now, Cindy, this is the way life works so listen up.” Right? TOTALLY WRONG. Parents have never been parents before, you guys. They are on the same rollercoaster ride as the rest of us and just doing their damndest to keep up… and there are things that make them feel super awkward and silly and scared.

If I were you, I would participate in these conversations, and I would let the deeper conversations that have to do with you and your sexuality come up when they come up naturally. When you meet someone and start dating, when you join an organization, when you want to come out to your Aunt Petunia, etcetera. Those are the moments when you can say, “Hey Mom, can I bring SALLIE FIELDS THE THIRD over to to dinner? I like her and I would like for her to meet you.”

My guess is, when that conversation comes up you will be able to navigate it with her, and the more those personal conversations happen, the less she will feel the need to lean on Ellen and Portia as a means of letting you know she loves and supports you.


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