“I am a 19 year old Bisexual female and the daughter of a gay woman. My mom says bisexual men/women are just confused and disgusting. She has also said that because I am bisexual, I can never really whole-heartedly love a woman the way that a lesbian/gay woman would. I however, beg to differ. I am absolutely in love with my girlfriend and hope one day to make her my wife. Where is this mindset that my mom has coming from?”
- Question submitted by Anonymous
WHOOOOAAAA. This is cool..I mean, it’s not cool BUT ISN’T IT THE MOST INTERESTING THING!??!
In general, people hate things they don’t understand. Remember being 11 and people asking you what your favorite subject in school was and you were like ‘social studies’ and they were like ‘i like math’ and you said ‘I HATE MATH’ … you literally HATED math… Did you actually hate math or did you not understand math?? I call this the 6th grade theory (you guys i just made that up) We basically make the decision in our heads to hate things we don’t understand bc it’s SO MUCH EASIER than trying to understand them.
Your mom is being super unfair right now, and she needs a grown ass lady talk. I think it’s okay to say to her ‘i know you don’t get it, but it’s making me feel awful that you think i’m incapable of loving someone just because i’m attracted to all kinds of people’ … because that’s what she’s saying. She hates the idea of you being bisexual because she doesn’t understand it #6thgradtheory and she might never understand it, but that’s okay, we’re not meant to understand everything. We’re meant to accept shit regardless of whether or not we understand it and love everyone based solely on the fact that they are human. Your mom loves you, tell her she’s hurting your feelings.
First thing I would do? I would say: “Mom, have you ever had anyone tell you that you can’t love another woman as much as another woman loves another man?” If she says no then she either lives under a rock or is totally lying, because the favorite hate-rant of pretty much any homophobic human on the planet is that gay people love isn’t the same as straight people love.
Tell her that. Tell her that the judgement and the discrimination that has been directed toward the LGBTQ community for decades hinges on some people thinking that the love of other people cannot be legitimate. Tell her that she is hurting you in the same exact manner, and that just as her love with her partner is valid – regardless of the gender of that partner – so is the love that you have with your girlfriend right at this moment.
I know you asked where her mindset is coming from, and Dannielle is right – your mom doesn’t understand. In her mind, she experiences love in a certain way, and so she has decided that everyone loves either a) the way she loves or b) in a heterosexual way. Just like people who decide that because they love boys and they are girls and so every girl must love boys, it seems your mom has gotten caught in a similar trap where there are two rigid options, instead of just the one. To me, that is equally as troubling.
Try to calmly talk to her about the fact that love and attraction are much more complex than either/or. It is going to be a process, the same as it is for people coming out to their heterosexual parents. Her misunderstanding of you does not invalidate you. That is the most important thing to remember. Continue to talk to her, remain patient, and remind her of the fact that she is hurting you by making you feel like your love doesn’t exist.