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“Hi, I’m in a bit of a moral crisis. My ex has had sex with 50 people in their lifetime and they’re only 22. This bothers me SO much and I want them to know but I don’t wanna seem like a slut-shaming prude. I know I can’t change them so how do I cope?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think this is complicated for a few reasons. (1) neither of you is in the wrong, so you don’t really have a reason to be like WE NEED TO TALK BECAUSE YOU FUCKED UP OR I FUCKED UP, (2) It isn’t rrrrreally your right to comment on someone else’s sexy numbers, regardless of circumstance, (3) you probably won’t come away from the conversation feeling any better?? Confronting your ex will probably actually make you feel worse.

If you and your ex are good friends and you want to have a conversation about being raised in a society that only celebrates sex when it’s between a man and a woman, and for the purpose of having babies… HAVE THAT CONVERSATION. I think you can actually learn a lot from someone who has had different sexual experiences than you. If you see sex as something sacred and secret and kept for only a few and your ex thinks of sex as something fun and exciting and a way to share an experience with someone, then the two of you have SO MUCH cool shit to talk about. Imagine being able to understand where your ex is coming from and why they feel the way they do and how their growing up and education and community have lead them to feeling that way. AND how cool it will be to understand.

I think it’s important to realize that we are all different human beings. We all feel differently about sex and our bodies. You are not right. You aren’t the one person who has it figured out and does sex the right way. Your ex also doesn’t have all the answers to the correct way to treat sex. You’re two different people and you have your two different answers and you have your two different bodies and you have your two different levels of comfort. The problem ALWAYS comes along when you try to force someone to follow your guidelines. That’s the root of every problem this world has ever had. If we could all just figure it the fuck out, realize that we’re not all the same, recognize that we all need / want different things, be cool with the fact that differences between us are necessary, etc., the world will be on hell of a better place.

Kristin Says:

I agree with every last word Dannielle has said up there, and so I am going to add very little and keep this short:

The way you cope with having negative feelings toward the way someone else approaches sex (even, yes, your ex!) is to think more about why you have those feelings. It is okay that you are feeling things — but it is the inner mechanisms in your brain and heart that are at work here, not the wrongdoings of another person.

I would talk to a close friend or write in a journal or read articles on sex positivity or all of the above… I would not tell your ex that you have feelings about the way they choose to live their life.

Your ex’s choices don’t affect you. Your feelings toward those choices do affect you. Put your focus there. <3

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