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“I've known this girl for two years now and we've always been pretty close, fake flirting and what-a-not. She goes to a rival high school so we can only really text anymore. Tonight I saw her after a marching band performance and gave her a hug and she texted me and we got to talking. Now, I've liked her for awhile but I know for a fact she's straight, keeping this in mind she texted me "If you were a guy we'd so be dating<3" Is ther any way I can get her into thinking about being Lauren-sexual, or should i just give up? Much love (:”

calmdownsparta

Dannielle Says:

First of all…I have like 19 (read: 4) friends named LAUREN,  and I don’t want to think of anyone being Lauren-sexual because ew (read: eeeeeeeeee). So thanks for making me squeak in a public place (i’m in a cafe right now). Today is a day for using parentheses…

We all have to have an epic-heartbreaking-breathtaking-screamcrying straight girl crush/love once or twice in our lives. It’s just inevitable. You can do a couple of things with your feelings. You can ignore them and appreciate the flirting. You can talk to her and say ‘boners or none, i want your heart’… or something. You can talk to her best friends and know full-well they’re telling her all your thoughts, but pretending like you both don’t know that she knows you know she knows… you know?

There are a thousand things you can do, but when it comes down to it, you can’t force her to fall in love with you. I mean, i’m a hopeless romantic, and I want to tell you to show up at her door and say “who cares if i’m girl, let me take you out” then you hand her some blue/yellow/orange carnations and she jumps on the back of your vespa. You guys ride to chipotle and eat the best fucking burrito you’ve ever had. You LOL all night long and make out really hard core while listening to Colbie Caillat… but who knows if that’s how it’ll all go down.

You have to follow your heart on this one, don’t let her jerk you around by your balls. If it gets to be too intense and you can’t eat b/c the thought of her makes you want to throw up (in a good way) you have to tell her how it is (aka all or nothing via o-town). Sometimes, you just have to go with it, you have to let yourself feel amazing things and be ok with the fact that those feeling won’t be reciprocated. It’s like, if we didn’t have these feelings Dashboard Confessional and Say Anything wouldn’t have anything to sing about.

Kristin Says:

I agree with all of what Dannielle says, but I also think she totally wants to bone you.

Also, I feel it would be a sin to not comment on the fact that you hugged her after amarching band performance.  Please, dear god, tell me that she is in the marching band, and that she was wearing a square hat with a tiny brim and a little rope with a tassle or something.  PLEASE TELL ME THAT.

Here’s the thing.  Fake flirting is flirting, and texts like that mean she has thought about it.  It doesn’t mean she will DO anything, but…the possibility is definitely there.  One of my more epic straight crushes told me once, years after the crush had been put to rest, that she had thought about just rolling over in bed and putting her mouth on mine.  Translation: If I had taken action on any of the manymanymany nights I had thought about rolling over and kissing her, she would have kissed me back and probably let me touch her boobs.  Now, I don’t think much more would have happened and I think she would still have dated the boys she dated, and my heart probably would have been demolished.  HOWEVER, I would have gotten to kiss her and touch her boobs.  So.  You have to weigh the options, here.

If you need to kiss those lips, then slowly up the flirting and see what happens…and make sure you move in for the sleepover.  A few sleepovers in she’ll be like, “OMG when Brad used to spoon me it was so dumb,” and you’ll be like, “OMG HAHAHA SHOW ME HOW HE DID IT,” and then she’ll show you and you’ll laugh, and then you’ll tell her that you are a much better spooner and you’ll show her.  Add another handful of sleepovers and stir, and you may have yourself a merry little makeout.  You just have to be aware that you are putting your heart on the oldest wooden roller coaster in the amusement park…

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