“I am 26, a gay girl, and have a raging fear of commitment. I'm the opposite of that lesbian U-Haul joke. But I'm tired of having pangs of terror when people start wanting to get close to me. Help.”
-Question submitted by Anonymous
Get over yourself.
No, but for real. Being open and vulnerable is hard, but it’s not about using tricks of the trade (is that a real phrase?) to make it happen, you just have to decide you want to let someone in.
If you have dumb walls up forever, you’ll just be sad and alone for no particular reason. Start small, and remember that not everyone is out to get you. Even if DO you get totally fucked over by the first person you open up to, that doesn’t mean it’s going to keep happening. I’ve been fucked over by SOME of my exes but then SOME of my exes are my besties. you know?
Being open is an incredible thing. It’s nice to have people in your life who know you really well. One of my closest friends was on the list of ‘people i will never trust’ b/c we both fucked each other over with trust issues, but the thing is, you’re meant to get totally effed a few times and learn from it. Be open, be vulnerable, make mistakes, and trust the people you shouldn’t.
Live your life as much as possible, you only live once. Also, once you find someone you’re supposed to be committed to, you won’t be afraid of commitment anymore. promise.
The advice Dannielle gave is totally valid, reasonable, and logical. The problem is that…sometimes our minds have minds of their own, and it becomes completely impossible to reason with them. I have been in a position, many a time, where my feelings lurched, I panicked, and there was nothing I could do to make those warm, sweet feelings return. Loving someone is fucking terrifying. You are taking the most vulnerable parts of yourself and exposing them; the hurt that love makes possible is arguably the worst in existence. It isn’t surprising that you are afraid to get close to people, so at the very least, don’t beat yourself up. Speaking as someone who has taken those risks, however, I do believe that the risk is worth it.
When you start to date someone, take it slow. Check in with yourself as things get more intense, and be aware of the fact that those feelings of wanting to pull away are truthfully you feeling scared. Try, if you can, to talk to the person you are dating about that fear and see what they have to say. Sure, you may get a crazy bitch who is like, “WHY WOULD LOVE SCARE YOU, YOU ARE A WHORE,” and then slams your vibrator on the table and storms out. You may, however, get someone who understands those fears, and wants to try to work with you on them.
Learning to trust is a process, so the only thing you can do is work bit by bit on letting go, and forgive yourself when you stumble. If you want to get to a place where you can share yourself with someone else, you will.