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"I know that it’s wrong to doubt the validity of someone’s trans status, but I have this thing going on with another friend of mine. We’re both trans, and we have our different ways of going about it (how we dress, act, etc.) But whenever I’m around him, I can’t talk about anything trans related because I can’t look at him like a man. He became trans overnight, and I took months and years. He’s always weirded out by the fact I’m gay, and he has a girlfriend. We both seem to doubt each other. "

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

OH. MAN. At first, when I read this, I thought about the people I knew once who said shit like “she’s not EVEN GAY, i can TELL” and it’s always kind of gotten under my skin, because the fact of the matter is, everyone goes through life/experiences/figuringshitout differently.

HOWEVER BEFORE I GET TO THAT, your friend saying it’s weird that you’re gay is just straight-up RUDE. If I were you, I’d start there. I’d start the conversation by asking TOAST (your friend) why he thinks it’s weird you’re gay, when TOAST is like ‘whatever bc it is, bc if you’re a boy, then you should like girls’ then you can make this face:


Some people get into this mindset that because they’re “DIFFERENT” they have the right to be close-minded… and that’s NOT WHASSUP. You have the right to love whoever the fuck you want, and no one can tell you anything different! You can love whoever you wanna love, however you want to love them, under whichever conditions you so choose to love them… TOAST is being mad unfair….ALSOOOOO you’re being a little unfair too, if you have a feeling and you can’t shake it, talk to TOAST and try to understand where he is coming from. Maybe you’re totally right, maybe he doesn’t feel the same things you feel at all, but ALSO, maybe you’re totally wrong, maybe he’s felt this way his entire life and just has a different way of going about things…

Think about it this way, I am NOT ANY MORE OF A LESBIAN THAN KRISTIN just bc my hair is short and I wear high-top sneakers….it’s kind of the same, if I sat here and tried to tell you guys Kristin probably wasn’t really gay bc she wears dresses, I would be fired.

Kristin Says:

I had the pink slip ready for her ass, y’all.  I realllllly did.

Anyway, Anonymous, here is the thing: just because you and TOAST are both trans doesn’t mean that you have to identify with each other, or undersand each other.  That is like saying that I have to understand why Shane left Carmen at the altar. #Lword #whywouldanyoneeverydothat

Your identity as trans and TOAST’s identity as trans can be two completely different experiences.  Sure, perhaps they will overlap in a couple of places, maybe y’all can both get pissed about people staring in public bathrooms, or maybe you both don’t like peas, but there are no rules here that say trans has to be one thing.

Talk to TOAST.  Be like, ‘Toast, I wrote to Everyone Is Gay, and they made me realize that you can be trans your way and I can be trans my way and neither one of us has to second-guess the other, because…that shit just plain does not make any sense.”  Then he’ll be like, ‘Yo, dude, why you callin’ me Toast, though?’

…Stop doubting, open your mind to more than one possibility, try to step away from rigid categories, be yourself and let others be themselves.


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