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“How do you come out… to yourself?”

Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Don’t put so much pressure on yourself? It’s like, obviously different for every human, but it’s all about feeling good and IT IS SO HARD TO FEEL GOOD WHEN YOU’RE MAKING YOURSELF FEEL AWFUL.

Just know that there is no reason to pick a label, there is nothing to announce, there is no right or wrong way to do anything, there is no timeline, there is no box you have to jump into. What you’re doing right now, asking questions, is THE BEST PART. Right now you’re sitting at home thinking, “oh fuck, i do not align with the way society is trying to force me to align, what do i really want?” Since you haven’t figured out what you really want in life, you’re asking us. You want us to tell you, “do u think boobs are cool? OKAY YOU’RE GAY” but it’s not that simple. There is no question and answer guide. The figuring out part is the best part.

Take your time. If you’re finding out that you happen to be attracted to all different types of people, GO ON DATES WITH THEM ALL. Don’t hold yourself back from going out with someone just because you haven’t previously announced yourself as someone who dates a type of person… well… that’s a bad reason is all i’m saying.

You don’t come out to yourself. You slowly but surely figure out the things you want in life. You feel more and more comfortable going against everything people are trying to force you to feel. You’re starting to feel good. You’re FINALLY just STARTING to feel really, really good. Allow yourself the time. You’re doing everything right.

Kristin Says:

Everything Dannielle said, plus this:

When I was fourteen I had a huge crush on a girl but I assumed I just wanted to be her best friend REALLY BADLY.

When I was sixteen I kissed a girl on a dare and I called all my friends to tell them I hated it, so turns out I am straight! Hooray for me!

When I was seventeen I kissed a girl not on a dare and my stomach fell out of my body and I had no idea wtf to do. I came out to my parents as bisexual.

When I was eighteen no one understood what I meant when I said bisexual so I came out again as a lesbian, panicking over the next several years anytime I found a guy attractive and being as gay as I could possibly be.

When I was twenty-six I started actually allowing myself to explore who I was, letting myself have feelings instead of policing myself, and also reading a whole bunch about what it could mean to be queer. Oh, and I learned the word “queer.”

When I was thirty-three I realized I’d abandoned an identity back when I was eighteen for all the wrong reasons.

Now I say I am queer, I say I am bisexual, I say I am gay, and I say it doesn’t matter what I say… because I am me and you’re all you and what I like and how I name it might just go on changing forever.

One last thing: You should read our ‘zine collab with autostraddle on Coming Out To Yourself. It will help a whole bunch more.


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3 thoughts on “Coming Out To You, Yourself, and You.

  1. Thank you! I’m 25 and somewhere in the middle of all this, and exciting as it is, it’s comforting to know that its so normal to have these experiences.

  2. I grow up in a family thst hated any guy that was gay. So i had to always hide the real me; the problem i had was i been only attracted to guys and only guys my whole life.i hated hiding the real me
    When i finally got to experience being with a guy, i loved it, it felt right. I loved it so much that i couldn’t hide it any more. They didn’t like me being gay but it felt so good telling them. Im happy.

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