Relationships / Long Distance

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"My girlfriend and I have had a rough year of long distance relationship arguing and making up. Now I’m back home for the summer, and things are better. However, I know when school starts so will the long distance problems. I wanted to wait till the end of summer to break up and stay friends but I made the mistake of mentioning it to her and she decided we should break up now and stay friends. What can I do to make this summer not awkward?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Gabifresh as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Gabi Says:

I speak from first hand experience when I say long distance relationships are HARD work, and sometimes it’s difficult to figure out if you’re just arguing with your significant other because you miss each other so much, or if there are deeper issues that need to be addressed. That said, the breakup-makeup cycle is a hard one to break, and usually indicates there may be some unhealthy things going on in your relaysh.

It sounds like you know that you want to end things for good, and if you’re sure that’s the case—which is totally valid—your girlfriend is right about doing it now. There’s no need to drag things out! Staying with someone with the intention of breaking up later puts a damper on the entire relationship, and it will only make things more confusing for both of you. It also has the potential to lead to more fights, which means things could end on a really bad note instead of the seemingly clean break you can make now. The fact that your girlfriend is aware of all of this and seems cool with staying friends is even more of a reason to bite the bullet and end things soon—I think you’ll have a much better chance of keeping her in your life that way. I know this is short, but sometimes the best answer is the most simple. Good luck!

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"Are long-distance relationships worth it? And what’s the key to making them work?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

This is 100% subjective. I’m totally down for long distance, I think NOT having a relationship with someone based on where you live is dumb. As long as the two of you are fully aware of the circumstances and you are both willing to work pretty hard to make it happen, YOU’LL BE FINE.

Like any relationship; there will be complications, there will be heartache, it will take a lot of compromise, you will laugh, you will fight, you will cry, you will feel hopeless, you will fall in love, you will feel on top of the world, you will decide whether or not it’s worth the struggle, and you will make it work.

I’ve seen so many successful LDRs, and I’ve seen so many fail. Plan dates. Stay positive. Look forward to seeing one another. Be honest about what you’re feeling. Make time for one another. Don’t flake out on phone / skype dates. Send letters. Surprise one another. Go to the movies at the same time from different cities and sit in the back so you can text each other. Be creative and work hard.

Also, if you need two super cute girls to watch for proof that long distance can totally work MIGHT I SUGGEST KAELYN AND LUCY.

Kristin Says:

I think a long distance relationship is absolutely worth it, so long as you are both committed to making it work.

To me, a relationship is something that is always in flux, always bending and moving around unpredictable and incredible and scary life-events. I never imagined that I would be in a relationship with someone who travels all over the world playing music, and I had no idea what that would be like when it all began. I also had absolutely no idea that shortly after beginning that relationship, I, too, would be traveling all over the country with my job! It’s not exactly the same as long-distance, but when we are both in the throes of travel, shit can be really, really hard.

I think that there are people who might look at that situation and know that it wasn’t for them… but then, in my mind I probably was that person until I was in love and knew that I needed to make it work.

This depends on you and your boo. If you both care about each other and you want to make things work, you try. You reassess. You try again. You reassess. My feeling is that you can always try and find out that it doesn’t work… but if you just turn your back before giving it a go, you will likely regret it.

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"Ok, so my girlfriend decided to go away to college while I’m stuck at home. I’m occasionally jealous and it’s horrible. I don’t like the fact that other people get to see her more than I do, but nothing can be done. It’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s just that I want to be able see her too. Is there a way I can at least feel better?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think you should start by not saying “my girlfriend decided to go away to college while i’m stuck at home” … That sentence alone tells me a few things (1) you are not fully in support of her (2) you do not respect her decisions (3) it is essentially YOU against HER.

Now, you can miss her, you can be jealous, you can feel uneasy. ALL of those feelings make sense and you are not wrong for any of them. HOWEVER, you have to support her, love her, and respect her if you want this relationship to work. I have been in a relationship where I was away from home doing something amazing and the person I was dating said “I’m stuck here doing nothing and you’re off doing that” and all that did was make me feel shitty. I wanted to include her, to tell her about the people I was met, the things i did, the places I saw, but I felt like I couldn’t. I felt like my happiness just made her feel worse and worse.

So, here is what I suggest. Plan dates. Plan dates where you skype and eat the same kind of food at the same time. Watch movies together. Make her share her screen and show you the people she’s hanging out with, update you on the drama, etc. If they’re all getting together for movie night, have her skype you in, meet her friends, etc. Tell her you love what she’s doing, you’re so proud of her, and you 100% support her, but you miss her and you want to be a part of her life as much as possible. The two of you will find your grove and it will be okay, but only if you work hard and love each other.

Kristin Says:

Sometimes Dannielle gives advice that is so good and thorough that all I want to do is add a picture of a kitten and call it a day.

You know what?
FUCK IT, HER ADVICE IS PERFECT AND YOU SHOULD DO EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID.

HERE:

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"My girlfriend is transferring to the University of Miami after I graduate. It is literally the last place in the world I want to be. She says I don’t have any definite plan in the near future, but I’ll have zero things to do besides work a shitty restaurant job somewhere that I don’t want to be in the first place. She’s making me feel like I’ve done something terrible by simply being honest with her. I can’t imagine my life without her. What do I do?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Here is the thing. You’ve already decided in your brain that you will absolutely not be happy if you’re in Miami. So, if you move to Miami… you will be unhappy. You know?

A few things I want you to consider. FIRST AND FOREMOST, you do not have to give up your entire life to be with the person you love. Even if you do decide to suck it up and spend some time in Miami, you’re not wasting time, you’re not giving up on your dreams and you’re not sacrificing your self worth. It’s hard to make a relationship work and we all HAVE TO make compromises at one point or another.

SECOND AND SECONDMOST, you can not rearrange your life to make another person happy and then blame it on them. If you are only going to Miami to be with her, do it because you want to be with her, not because she’s making you feel bad. If the only reason you go is because she made you feel shitty for having hopes and dreams and opinions, you are going for the wrong reasons. Your relationship will only fail from there because every time you have a bad day in Miami you will think “I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for my stupid idiot girlf”

THIRDLY AND THIRDLIEMOST, long distance relationships can work. They can. If you are willing to put the right amount of time and effort into making it happen, it can work. What’s most important in this situation is you both consider one another. You consider what will make the other person happy and you find a compromise. Things won’t be perfect, but if you love each other and you’re both willing to work, things can at least be okay….plus there’s a new iphone app called ‘pair’ that apparently makes LDRz even cuter.

Kristin Says:

OH MY GOD. I am going to immediately start dating someone in another city just so I can use the “Pair” iPhone app. I JUST LOOKED IT UP AND IT LOOKS SO ADORABLE.

{clears throat}

You, dear Anonymous, have outlined a lot of the most important factors of your decision in your question. You do not want to go to Miami. That is a very, very important fact. Now, when emotions and love get involved, it is difficult for us to do what is right for ourselves and for the person we love, and this is apparently what is affecting your boo so much. Whereas the healthy thing to do here would have been to give you your space to think about your decision, to support you and talk openly about your fears, hesitations, and confusions… your boo has emotionally slipped into a place where she is seemingly unable to step back.

So. The first step is to sit her down, to tell her that you love her, to tell her that you will both be able to work through this together, and that what you need from her most of all right now is the space to think about all the different scenarios without her making you feel horribly, horribly guilty for considering all of them.

Explain to her that the most important thing for both of you to always remember in your relationship is that, for the relationship to be healthy, you both have to be happy and content in the knowledge that you have made decisions of your own choosing, and with the support of your partner.

If she cannot give you space, you will not be able to go to Miami, period. If, however, she is able to hear you, if she is able to step back and see the situation as a decision that you making together, you should take that space and consider all of the options. Think about what Miami would be like, think about what home would be like, think about what you want the most, and what would make you happy. Then, talk to her about your decision, and remind her how much it means to you that she was able to give you the space to think things over. If that decision is still that you do not want to go to Miami, hopefully she will be able to understand, and you will be able to work together (again, always) to figure out the best ways to make it work.

Anything is possible when we respect and work to understand the people that we love.

Okay?

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“Would it be wrong to secretly spend my parents money (that would otherwise be used for coffee and shampoo) to fly home to see my girlfriend for her birthday and not tell them? I would feel terrible, but the thing is, they wouldn’t let me do it if I told them, just because they don’t want me to be with her and don’t want me to be gay because they are the absolutely most homophobic people I know. Also if I don’t see her then, I won’t get to see her for three months which I don’t think I can bear.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Yes, it would be wrong. If you were to stretch the truth by saying you were visiting a friend, or taking a class or something, I could MAYBE support you. HOWEVER, if you straight up thief their hard-earned skrilla to do something they already aren’t into…you’re going to get yourself into a huge mess that will be difficult to get out of….MAS DIFICIL #spanish

You’re in a delicate spot with your parents right now and the LAST THING you should do is jeopardize their trust for you. Realize that they don’t hate you or think you’re wrong or dumb. They’re terrified for you, they love you and they think that the decisions you’ve made will hurt you in the end. Also, they are concerned for your safety, which is why they want to know WHERE YOU ARE and WHO YOU ARE WITH…DO NOT give them another reason to think you have ‘TOTALLY CHANGED EVER SINCE YOU STARTED DATING GIRLZZZZZ’ …you are still you and you have to work on getting your relationship with your parents back to a comfortable spot.

Maybe you and a friend can plan a trip to CITY and you can stay with your boo? You’re still going to CITY with FRIEND, your girlf just also HAPPENS TO LIVE THERE….It’s not the most honest way to handle things, but I understand being totally overwhelmed and convinced the truth will only make things worse. There has to be somewhere in between that won’t make it so you are a total liar, you know?

Kristin Says:

Aw, shit. This is a tough one. Here is the thing…I really want for you to see your girlfriend. I also really, really want you to be able to do that without breaking your parents’ trust.

It sounds like flying home is where your girlfriend is at, so if you flew home and didn’t tell them…you would be in the same town that your parents live in without them knowing and that is TOTALLY TERRIFYING. You would have to like, remain indoors at all times and you would probably poop with panic just going to get a sandwich, which is really not enjoyable.

The eighteen-year-old in me wants to just say, “FUCK IT, GO FOR IT AND ENJOY IT UNTIL THE SHIT HITS THE FAN,” but the thirty-year-old in me has a much louder voice, and one that is informed by lying to my own parents about things in college and high school, and finding out that it always, always ends in a bigger mess than necessary.

If there is any possible way that you can tell your parents that you want to come home, but that one of the nights you are there you will be going out with some friends for a birthday party, or some other near-to-close version of the truth, I would go that route. If that is absolutely not feasible at all, I would say the following:

Go with your gut. If you absolutely must lie to your parents and must see this girl, then you have to be ready for the consequences. If you lie and you get caught, you have to be able to understand their loss of trust in you, and you should also do your best to communicate that you love them, that you are sorry, and that all you want is to be able to tell them all the things about your life…but you are unable to do that because they are unable to allow you the room to be yourself.

 

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