Relationships / First Dates

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"Hi Kristin and Dannielle, Do you guys have any suggestions on what to write as a first message to girls on online dating sites? I usually try and pick something specific in their profile and ask something or comment about it (let’s be honest, it’s usually about one of their favorite tv shows), but girls hardly ever respond. I guess I’m trying to treat it as a conversation starter, but maybe that’s not the right way to go? Thanks!"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

This is SO HARD YOU GUYS. I think the absolute best suggestion I can give is BE YOUR SELF. I know it sounds stupid, but if I were to get a message that said “hey I think you’re attractive and we should meet up” I would roll my eyes and click ‘delete’ immediately. BUT HOWEVER THO, If I got a message that said “Hey I noticed you also cry while listening to Taylor Swift, so we have that in common…” I would giggle like an idiot and respond within four seconds.

It’s super important that you’re the same human online as you are in real life. If you message someone ‘hey sexy’ and they respond ‘letz hook up’ and then you hang out and you hide your face the whole time and giggle, it’s just GOING TO BE WEIRD. SO, be you. Be exactly the type of human you’re going to be WHILST dating someone.

The fact of the matter is, you wanna find someone who will like you for being nervous and uncomfortable and awkward. So, if you’re messaging someone and you say “hi, so … you like Pretty Little Liars…” and they roll their eyes and don’t respond, WHO CARES, why would you want them to respond anyway!? You know? You want the girl who will be like “LOL YEA I DO, OMG I’M SO AWKWARD AND YOU’RE AWKWARD LETS DATE.” Keep. Being. You.

Kristin Says:

Yeah… I think my advice would be to be yourself (as touted by the lovely Dannielle Owens-Reid) and also to let things evolve slowly.

If I got a message from someone that was like, “Hey, I’m also in Season 4 of Buffy OMG IT’S SO INTENSE RIGHT.” I would be like “AHHHH YES HOLY SHIT.” However, if the message was, “Hey, I totally watch Buffy, too, we should get together and watch it!” I would be like… I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU STEP OFF.

Do you see what I mean? Let the point of your first contact be simple, to the point, and real.

Also, also – dating sites are not the best way to reflect on your abilities in getting dates. I know that sounds a little weird, but like, it is VERY difficult to get a grasp of someone’s personality through just a few sentences, a list of thoughts, and some pictures. So, when you don’t get a response from people – try to remember that it doesn’t reflect negatively on you as a person. Most times it has to do with a million other factors that are impossible to know through a computer screen.

All we can do is put ourselves out there and be nice. You are doing everything right – just be you, give it time and space, and you will find the people who share common interests and who are in the headspace to connect.

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"I have my first date this Saturday and we’re going to the mall and dinner and I’ve never really been on a date before and I don’t know what to do. PLEASE HELP. I DON’T WANT TO SCARE HER OFF BY PANICKING OR SOMETHING LIKE I’M DOING NOW."

-Question submitted by Kirbyauiettree

Dannielle Says:

OKAY FIRST OF ALL. You’re doing great.

Going to the mall is the best bc there are literally 45 things to do. I mean, it’s a mall, so it’s sorta dumb IN THAT there are just stores, but stores can be really fun. You automatically have the ability to point at REALLY HORRIBLE clothing items and say ‘you should really think about wearing more stuff like this’ with a really serious face.

Also, as long as you’re being you and not trying too hard you’ll be fine. BOO-DATE ALREADY SAID YES. You know? So, just don’t be a TOTAL idiot and you’ll be fine. UNLESS YOU ARE NATURALLY A TOTAL IDIOT, IN WHICH CASE, BE A TOTAL IDIOT BC THAT’S WHO YOU ARE AND YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE YOURSELF.

Now I present you with “DANNIELLE’S TOP FIVE NEVERS”

Never eat spaghetti on a first date (i read that in cosmo once).
Never smell your armpits in public.
Never toot on a first date.
Never eat your boogers.
Never say mean stuff to be funny.

Kristin Says:

Relatedly, when on a first date:

Never say “we should go try on underwear together.”
Never smell her armpits in public.
Never throw pie at her face.
Never adopt a puppy together.
Never hide in a clothes rack until she panics and calls the mall police.

Seriously, though… EVERYONE IS ALWAYS NERVSIES ON A FIRST DATE YOU GUYS. You are going to be totally okay and you are going to ask her if she wants to get an ice cream sundae before the movie and you are going to ask her where she grew up and if she has siblings and then you are going to go to the movie and get popcorn and soda and milk duds and after the movie you are going to be like AHHHH I LOVE JENNIFER LAWRENCE ETC ETC, and then maybe you will give her a quick kiss goodbye OR maybe you will want to kiss her but you’ll panic OR maybe you’ll make out during the credits…

It’s anyone’s guess, but so long as you don’t dump your popcorn over her head and/or stand up during the movie and scream “I LOVE THIS WOMAN” while pointing to her, you are going to do fine. Dates are the same as hanging out with a friend, it’s just you get to be way more nervous because you like them in a romance-type way and you want it to go well and maybe you want to eventually cuddle with them slash touch their boobs.

Goooood luuuuuckkkk.

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"Asking a Girl Out For Dummies: "

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Step One: Meet girl.

Step Two: Talk to girl.

Step Three: Cultivate relationship based on common interest. (i.e. OMG YOU WATCH AMERICAN HORROR STORY or OMG YOU LOVE COFFEE or OMG I ALSO THINK MATH IS HARD)

Step Four: Use common interest as date material (i.e. WANNA WATCH AHS TOGETHER ON WEDS?! or WANNA GET COFFEE TOGETHER ON SATURDAY or OMG WE SHOULD DO MATH TOGETHER ON MONDAY)

Step Five: WHILST sharing common interest activity, make a lot of awesome jokes, be okay with the fact that you’re nervous, don’t be afraid to share personal info, let Girl get to know you, ask questions, show interest, etc.

Step Six: When date is over, do not shake hands… either hug or kiss or high five, but if you shake hands everything is ruined.

Kristin Says:

Step One: Drink a beer.

JUST KIDDING JUST KIDDING JUST KIDDING.

En serio, though (that’s Spanish for SERIOUSLY), you’ve got to hit three main targets for date-asking-outing:

Target One: Make eye contact. Even if you fumble over your words, even if you say the wrong thing, even if you shuffle your feet, LOOK. IN. HER. EYES. WHEN. YOU. TALK. TO. HER. HEAD. Regardless of if you are saying, “I like your shoes,” or “You have really great knees,” or “I also love Hello, Kitty,” you have to lock eyes if you want to convey the message that you are entering flirt/date/etc town.

Target Two: Don’t generalize. You guys. If you say, “Hey, I’d love to hang out some time,” and she is like, “Cool, I’d like that, too,” and then you’re all, “Great!” and you walk away… you are just going to have to do this all over again. When the conversation leads to hanging out, SAY A DAY AND TIME. “Are you free Monday night?” BOOM. DONE. MOVING ALONG.

Target Three: Calm down. We know how it feels when you ask a girl out and she says yes, and hot damn it is so adorable if you smile and you nod and you’re like, “That’s great,” and you blush and maybe stutter WHATEVER IT’S ALL CUTE YOU’RE CUTE. However… when you turn and walk out the door, don’t then use her number to text her 14 times before your date. Take a deep breath, squeal to your friends, and text her to confirm details and such. You’ve got this, and you are going to totally nail it.

…NOT LIKE THAT YOU SICKOS.
I JUST MEANT YOU’LL SUCCEED.

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"What are some good, out of the box date ideas?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Picnics are super fun. AND IT’S COOL BECAUSE you can do them anywhere, drive to somewhere an hour away that’s pretty or cool or super weird and pop your trunk open, take a seat and enjoy the view.

Drive-in movies. You guys, they don’t really exist anymore, but my friend in THE OC #dontworryaboutit just opened one up SEE and i’ve been obsessively thinking about them… it’s like… take a 2 – 3 hour road trip to the closest one, you get tons of hang out road time, cuddles in the car, an awesome movie date, and you’re doing something so fucking cute and, like you said, OUT OF THE BOX.

Take a CLASS. It sounds so lame, but nothing is cuter than learning to cook soufflé, or dancing to salsa music, or doing magic tricks… seriously you guys. Memories for life and you get to be stupid around each other for like 2 hours straight.

Everyone is Gay Webcast Marathon. Drink (tea) every time Kristin thinks I’m hilarious.

L Word Marathon. Drink (lemonade) every time Shane makes a stupid decision.

Line the hallway with teddy bears. IT’S HILARIOUS. IT’S CUTE. IT WILL LEAD TO MAKE OUT SESSIONS.

Kristin Says:

One of these days I am going to have Dannielle film a video of herself lining her hallway with teddy bears. I swear.

My ideas:

Scavenger Hunt. Each of you pick three to seven items, combine them into a list, and comb your city/state/whatever until you’ve taken a snapshot of you both with each item. THEN MAKE A COLLAGE OF YOUR SCAVENGER HUNT FINDS FOR EXTRA ROMANCE.

Museums. I’m sure some of you groaned and were like UGH MUSEUMS WHY SNORE SNORE SNORE, but museums are flipping awesome you guys. Usually they don’t cost very much, and there are so many things to learn and explore and UGH I LOVE MUSEUMS. There is even a museum of sex, so like… there’s just so much to do in this world, you know?

Video arcade. Listen… getting a barrel of quarters and spending the day racing video game cars and playing ski-ball and buying plastic toys with ribbons of tickets is pretty much my idea of the best date on the planet. So. BOOM.

Hiking. I just got back from my first ever camping trip and everyone was like, “Oh boy, Kristin camping WON’T THAT BE SILLY,” but TURNS OUT I AM A REALLY GOOD CAMPER EVERYONE. We found trails that were in the area and went on some amazing hikes and like, a) it was challenging, b) it was gorgeous, and c) if I was on a date I would have totally made out in the woods and it would have been awesome.

L Word Marathon. Every time Jenny does something annoying drink (iced tea).

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