Relationships / First Dates

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"I've been on a few dates with this girl. We still haven't kissed yet, but I really want to do something for Valentines Day with her. Do you think this is too soon in a relationship?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Okay, listen up folk. Anything that has to do with dating someone on any holiday is 100% dependent on what you do and NOT what day it is…Let’s use a birthday for example, If you met someone two weeks ago and call their mom to get the family involved in their birthday and you throw them a surprise party … THAT’S TOO DRAMATIC. If you say “Hey, I know your birthday is coming up and we’ve only been on three dates, but I’d love to take you to dinner to celebrate your birth,” that is just sweet. That’s all…

My gf and I will either (1) forget that it’s a day or (2) go to our friend’s house to watch Broad City and eat chips together because who cares or (3) go to our favorite restaurant for a perfect dinner and then say nice things to each other. ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE ACCEPTABLE REGARDLESS OF STAGE OF RELATIONSHIP. Because we have been together for a hot minute and know each other v well and have talked intensely about the things we care about and what valentine’s day is, we will not (1) get married or (2) buy each other trips to fiji or (3) adopt a pet. ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE IN NEW REALTIONSHIPS, BUT ARE PRETTY OKAY IF YOU HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR LONG ENOUGH TO ESTABLISH THAT THOSE THINGS ARE OKAY.

I think my advice is be casual and don’t take it too seriously?? You’ve been on dates, it’s a fun night to go out, you want to do something special because you think doing special things are fun. Just communicate that you want to have a fun night and you’re not expecting anything from her and you are good2go.

Kristin Says:

One out of one Kristins agree: follow Dannielle’s advice.

You can absolutely hang on Valentine’s Day with a new boo because it is legit a day where a tiny angel with a bow and arrow shoots people in the butt and makes them fall in love and that is REALLY SILLY so all you have to do is be like, “I’d love to grab dinner with you if you aren’t afraid of Cupid shooting you in the ass?”

Meaning, all you need to do is make light of it, and then she will, too, and TADA it will be great and you will do great. Sidebar: I highly recommend just having her over for dinner bc restaurants LOSE THEIR MINDS on Valentine’s Day and it overwhelms me. And obviously your Valentine’s Day is supposed to make me happy.

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"FIRST DATE HELP?! I’m super panicking, I have a date in a week. With a girl. Who I’m actually into. What do I wear if I’m not super feminine? WHAT IF IT’S AWKWARD? How do I keep myself from canceling like I always do?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

As far as what to wear. JUST FEEL COOL. It’s like, if you try to go too nice or you try to look like you’re not trying too hard or you try to look “super cazsh” (abbreviation for casual?) you’re just going to be uncomfortable and wondering what she’s thinking about what you’re wearing. You won’t even hear a single story she tells because you’ll be like “SHE JUST LOOKED AT MY SHIRT I THINK WHAT DOES SHE THINK ABOUT MY SHIRT.” So wear what you feel good in.

Keep yourself from canceling by reminding yourself that it isn’t actually that big of a deal. If it’s the FUCKING WORST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE. It’s 3 hours. THREE HOURS. And tbh, if it’s the worst, it probably won’t be more than 1 hour. That’s 1/24th of one day. That’s 1/168th of a week. That’s 1/8,675th of one year… IT’S NOTHING. By the time your 40th bday hits, you will either (1) not even remember the shitty date, (2) love talking about the time you went on a ridiculous date with someone you never saw again, (3) have a really good friend who you tried to date once, (3) STILL be super in love with the person you went on an awkward date with… YOU KNOW?

Be comfortable and confident in what you’re wearing. Go on the date because why the fuck not?! Don’t cancel because the first step in keeping yourself from canceling, is to keep yourself from canceling.  Have a blast and maybe watch an episode of COSMOs to remind yourself that life is fairly meaningless, nothing matters, and you’re just here to make the most of it and have a nice time. Plus shout out to getting some kisses, maybe?!

Kristin Says:

Ummmmm, I feel like our work here is done?!

FINE FINE, I will add three things.

FIRST: this person is going on a date with YOU. That is because they are interested in you. Wake up the day of the date, and pretend that you are hanging out with your best friend that night. Dress accordingly. This person took interest in the person you were before you were worried about impressing them… so, in the words of the Jersey Shore or Autostraddle or someone somewhere, the first step is always you do you.

SECOND: If it gets awkward, tell a story about how you wrote into Everyone Is Gay asking what to do if it got awkward, and THEY said to bring a deck of cards and play Spit. (Bring a deck of cards, and learn how to play Spit). Then, do that. You’ll fall in love, and it will be great.

THIRD: Print this out and put it in your wallet and every time you want to cancel look at it and remember what Dannielle said:

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If that doesn’t work, picture me doing this:

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LET US KNOW HOW IT GOES OKAY?!
YOU’VE GOT THIS.

***
Hi! Our advice is always free for all to read & watch. Help us keep this gay ship chuggin’ by donating as little as $1/month over here on Patreon. xo

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"I got my heart broken recently and asked my friends to set me up with someone because I really wanted to move on and try to date someone else. Now I realize I’m not ready, but my friends have already gotten in touch with people and set things in motion. How do I let the set-ups know I’m not interested yet without making a bad first impression in case I want to try dating them later when I am ready?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I still think you should go on the dates?? AM I THE WORST?? It’s just like, sometimes you don’t know whether or not you’re ready until you’re in the throws and what not.

I believe you when you say you’re not ready, but I also believe it’s a process and you have to take baby steps and an example of a baby-sized step is going on a date. You’ll meet someone, you’ll get to know them, you’ll eat a food meal, you’ll laugh, the night will end and you’ll say “I really really liked hanging out with you and I want to be honest with you bc I had such a good time. I don’t know if I’m ready to jump into anything. Which, is something that might go away tomorrow or might go away in a couple of months or who knows, but I don’t want to lead you on and I still want to get to know you. YOU DOWN?!”

Maybe not with so many words, or maybe with more words, or maybe with more taylor swift lyrics, or whatever BUUUTT the point will get across and your d8 won’t be offended. At least, I wouldn’t be… KRISTIN HELP.

Kristin Says:

This is spot on. Dannielle you are DOING A GREAT JOB.

A first date isn’t an expectation for future-marriage. If it is, you probably didn’t want to be on that first date anyhow. A first date is a chance to say hi, talk about common interests, and see where those exchanges might lead you. So, in my personal opinion, you do not have to be ready to be in a long-term relationship to go on a first date.

Go, have a good time, talk about your life, find out about theirs.

If, and only if, they ask you about your interest in continuing to date – do like Dannielle said and be honest. We say this a lot, but it is a hard thing to remember: we are all people. That means that we are all capable of understanding being in a headspace where we want to connect with others and aren’t yet ready to commit to something bigger than those initial connections.

Take it one step at a time.
The first step is going on this date without putting any additional pressure on yourself.

<3

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"If a gay girl says you should have coffee, how do you know when it’s just coffee and when it’s a date? What about lunch? Is lunch ever a date?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Coffee, lunch, dinner, watching movies, walking, doing homework, building ikea furniture, arguing, EVERYTHING IS A DATE.

I mean, maybe not everything, but like… EVERYTHING IS A DATE IF YOU’RE ON A DATE. If she would have said “wanna go to Target and help me pick out a toy for my baby bro” and then you guys started a relationship, two years from now you’d be like “LOL OUR FIRST DATE WAS AT TARGET LOL” … You know?

Play it by ear. Don’t EXPECT that you’ll make out and fall in love and travel the world picking up one baby in each country (via brad and angelina), but also don’t try to force yourself not to have a great time. If the two of you have an amazing connection and she wants to see you again and you decide to kiss on the mouth, SO BE IT. If the two of you have a cool time and turns out you have a ton in common and you wanna go see Thor2 together and be best friends, SO BE IT. Let the coffee-time make the decisions, don’t go in with preconceived notions about when/where to put your mouth or you’ll be a hot mess.

Kristin Says:

I agree. Everything is always potentially a date. We could be on a date RIGHT NOW but you won’t know for sure until we get to the end of this post.

AND THEREIN LIES THE POINT.

You don’t go into this coffee maybe-date acting like it’s a date. You go into having coffee like you are having coffee with a person who you like and may like you but who knows so just play it cool.

Ask her what she likes and does and tell her a story about how your braces got caught on your computer keyboard in 6th grade. Just hang out. Don’t reach over and try to hold her hand while she stirs her coffee (first, bc BE COOL, second bc she’ll probably spill it), don’t tell her you love the way her hair falls into her eyes, don’t throw her up against the coffee shop wall and mash your mouth on hers before you part ways. JUST. HAVE. COFFEE.

After you’ve had your coffee and you’ve talked about life and your favorite TV shows and how much you love Kristin & Dannielle from Everyone Is Gay, check in with yourself. Did you have fun? Do you like this girl? Did you think she was maybe flirting a little?! If the answer is yes and yes and yes and SHUT UP KRISTIN I JUST WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH HER, then ask her to hang out again. If she talked the entire time about how much she loves her girlfriend, then spoiler alert: you just made a new friend. You know? Context clues, guys. It’s all about context clues.

Since I spent this entire post trying to teach you how to get it on with coffee-girl, you can gather that you and I were not on a date, but rather that I was giving you helpful advice on how to manage your love life. See how that works?

Boom.

 

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"My best friend told me that her friend back home would be perfect for me, and I’m willing to give it a try. How often do relationships that start this way work out? Is it more awkward to meet like ‘oh, hey, you’re as cute as you are in your pictures’ than the normal way? Or am I freaking out over nothing?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Omg. One time I was CONVINCED that one of my co-workers should date one of my best friends and I was like “TULIP, I HAVE A BOY YOU NEED TO MEET HIS NAME IS JON AND HE’S SO CUTE AND SO SWEET AND JEWISH!!” and she was like “Cool, what’s his deal” and I was like “he makes music and I told him about you and now I want you to both get married” and she was like “So neat! Now I never want to meet him or be in the same room with him.”

So…. turns out I ruined everything by trying to force them both to like each other before they met. Like, if I just let it happen and invited them both to the same show or something, it’d be fine, BUT I HAD TO GO AND MAKE THINGS WEIRD.

Obviously though, your friend didn’t ruin anything, my only point was to say THIS IS AWKWARD AND IT’S OKAY TO FEEL THAT WAY. I’m a fan of embracing the awkward. I think you let your friend set you up for a FULL-ON blind date. They used to do those back in the 90s before people used the internet to find love. Just go on the date and when you’re feeling weird say, “Honestly, I thought people stopped going on blind dates after 1997, so I’m feeling very retro right now.” Your date will laugh, it’ll open the door to actually talk about the awkwardness, and you can move forward.

boom.

Kristin Says:

Ooooooooh and then you can watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and pretend it’s in REAL TIME.

OH MY GOD ‘BLIND DATE’ IS THE NAME OF AN EPISODE OF ANGEL YOU SHOULD WATCH THAT ONE.

Except it is about three children who are abducted by a blind demon so like, maybe you shouldn’t.

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Anyway… I agree with Dannielle’s advice.
Have a good day.

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