Relationships / Doin’ It

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“So I’ve been seeing this girl for about six weeks and I think soon we’re going to get all up on each other, but it’s been a long time since I’ve gotten intimate with someone and I’m really scared I’ll have forgotten what to do or how to communicate during or that I just can’t be sexy anymore. Do you have advice on how to deal with that pre-pants-party anxiety?”

Question Submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

PRE. PANTS. PARTY. ANXIETY.

You.

Okay, listen. This anxiety has happened to me every time I was about to bang someone new and the amt of time between me sleeping with two people was anywhere from 1 week to a year. I HAVE EVERY SINGLE EXPERIENCE. I’ll have you know it doesn’t actually matter and it’s always scary.

The best bone session I’ve ever had was / is with my current bae and the reason was / is because we talk about EVERYTHING. Every. Single. Thing. I was nervous, I told her. She wanted to try something cool, she told me.  I wanted something a certain way, I told her. We wanted do something that was maybe difficult, we talked. That’s how it started and that’s how it continues. If you start out honest, you will always have the best sex.

And maybe it won’t be perfect every single time, but it’ll be so dope when you can just say, “that was cool, I think my favorite part was when you touched my butt a little.” Rather than sit back and just hope they figure it out if you trick them by breathing differently once they get sort of close to what you like… that shit is too difficult to try and keep up with.

It’s also super easy to be the person who starts the honesty. All you gotta say is, “I haven’t had intercourse in 7 months, and I wanna hump you super right, so I’m gonna ask questions to make sure that happens, cool?” And they will be on board. Think about it, anyone on the earth who wants to be humped is gonna be down with their hump partner learning to hump them correctly… you know what i mean?!?!

You can ask them about fantasies, or if they prefer oral or handsy, or if they like toys, or if they want it slow or fast, do they like to jump into humping or would they rather be kissed all over for an hour. Tell them what you’re into. Ask them if they’re into the same things.

Worse case scenario – they think all the sex stuff you wanna do is weird and they’re not open to talking, and they don’t want to try anything. IN WHICH CASE, they are not the right sex person for you, so it’s good that you know that in advance!

Kristin Says:

“I wanna hump you super right” – Dannielle Owens-Reid, lady killer

I agree with everything up there because talking about what you like is always helpful, but I also want to add one important thing:

Fumbling is always, always okay. As in, mayyybe you told yourself you were going to follow Dannielle’s advice but then you panicked at the last moment and didn’t say what you wanted and just dove right in and then shit was so sexy until her pants got stuck around her ankles and while you were trying to tug them off you hit her head on the wall and then her cat started puking in the other room. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENED. You know? You know.

What I mean to tell you is that your first sexytime is probably going to be the BEST, but even if it isn’t the best… that is okay. Sex can sometimes just be hilarious and ridiculous as your figure each other out (and honestly even way after you figure each other out). Laughing and being open to fumbles of all shapes and sizes makes any sexy experience so much more real, and so much more awesome.

Remember that you aren’t after a movie-scene. You are after connecting with someone and trying to make them feel good while you also feel good, and laughing and talking and fumbling are all part of that experience. Plus, now every time her cat pukes you’ll look at each other with heart eyes and be like ‘awwwww remember the first time…’

You’ve. Got. This.

*high ten*

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“Dating is terrifying, I don’t want to do it but I have to because I want all the gushy romantic feelings. I feel like girls move so fast nowadays and I just want to get to know someone first. Why is it always all about sex?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

OMG IT ISN’T. I PROMISE IT ISN’T.

It’s completely dependent on whether or not you and the person you want to potentially romance are on the same page. I know so many couples who didn’t have sex or even get super frisky until they were very deeply, emotionally, involved. It’s because that’s what they both wanted.

Everything in a relationship – moving in together, marriage, having kids, moving to a city, when to meet the parents, having sex, calling each other pet names, kissing, merging friend groups, etc etc I could go on forever… EVERYTHING in a relationship has to be a decision the two of you make together, which means you gotta be on the same page. You just gotta. If you’re starting to date someone and they’re trying to convince you to have sex earlier than you want, you shouldn’t be dating them. They’re not on the same page as you. If you’re on a first date with someone and they say it’s fucking ridiculous that you never want to have kids, you shouldn’t be dating them. They’re not on the same page as you.

LISTEN EVERYONE: You don’t have to date people that don’t get you. You don’t have to be in a relationship that makes you unhappy. You don’t have to kiss someone you don’t want to kiss. You should never be made to feel ridiculous for having thoughts, opinions, and your own set of internal morals. We are all constantly changing and growing and becoming who we are. If there is a person who is making you feel inadequate for the journey you’re on and the decisions you’re making, fuck that person. OR DON’T FUCK THAT PERSON I GUESS IS MY POINT.

You have GOT to be able to feel good about you in order to even begin to feel good about your relationship. Don’t kiss on someone who won’t let you feel good!

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“So, I did something great for me: I had sexy time with a total hottie. So, yay me. However, said hottie is in an open relationship, which I knew beforehand, and once I was certain of transparency, I went ahead, because hottie. This person is interested in meeting up again, and otherwise I’d be down but – is this weird? Am I now invading on something? To me, once is kosher. More than that seems scandalous. My friends think that it isn’t my responsibility to determine their boundaries. Help.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Your friend is totally right! Yay for the hottie! Yay for having smart friends! Yay for all the things!

Here’s the deal: right now you only know two words, and you are basing your feels on those two words. What does “Open” mean?! It could mean a bajillion-trillion things. What does “Relationship” mean?! It could mean a deca-quadrillion things. What does “Dodecahedron” mean?! Just asking in general on that one.

Seriously, tho, maybe Hottie is in a relationship where sex with other humans is totally cool in unlimited quantities but romantic relationships with other humans are not okay, maybe Hottie is in a relationship where other relationships of any kind are totally fine, maybe Hottie can only sleep with people who write into Everyone Is Gay with a question (YOU DID IT YOU PASSED THE TEST!), maybe a lot of things… and you aren’t gonna know a thing until you ask a thing.

So, do this: Respond to Hottie. Go sexy time it the fuck up with Hottie. Go to the bathroom and jump up and down when Hottie isn’t looking bc YAY YOU HAD GR8 SEXY TIME AGAIN. Tell Hottie, “Yo, I enjoyed that very much. I want you to know I am kosher (you like to say kosher, just trying to make this natural) with how things are, and would love to know more about the boundaries in your other relationship!”

Then you LEARN and then Hottie LEARNS (bc btw you also should know what you are doing and what you are okay with and what you aren’t and set those boundaries for yourself!) and everyone gets SEXYTIME.

Open relationships are not weird – we are just taught by THE MAN that we are SUPPOSED to do things one way and only one way. Let me spoiler something for you: THE MAN doesn’t ever get anything right. Ever.

PS: Give your friend a high-five for me. <3

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“I’m a fat girl, and mostly pretty ok with it. However, I can’t help but compare my body to my girlfriend’s, especially when we are naked/having sex. She’s thinner than me and I always end up feeling self-conscious. How do I deal with this internalized fat phobia?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Bethany Rutter as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Bethany Says:

Dear Fat Babe,

I’m really glad to hear you’re mostly pretty ok with your body- that’s a lot more than a lot of fat girls, unfortunately! As for your current predicament, and I know quotes are gauche, but as a famous old white dude said: “comparison is the thief of joy.” And I really believe it is.

As someone who dates people of any gender, I often find myself particularly self-conscious when I date and sleep with women, because I know how invasive and pernicious fatphobia is among women, thanks to oppressive patriarchal body standards. But then I just have to think to myself: do I trust this person? Because that’s what it comes down to. Thinking ‘she’s judging me, she’s judging my body, how could she not be?’ stops me from appreciating the fact that she’s there, now. Your girlfriend probably thinks you’re hot as hell, or she wouldn’t be hitting the hay with you. You have to trust that, trust your girlfriend’s excellent taste in women (you).

Your message gives no indication that your girlfriend has expressed dissatisfaction with your lovely fat body, and it sounds like that most of the beef is coming from your own insecurities. I know how hard it is out there for fat babes, but I also know that it’s something only you can change. Having romantic, sexual and platonic relationships with people who treat you great (mind, body and soul) is a good place to start, but if you don’t make strides to keep up with them, then it’s easy to let your insecurities push them away.

My top tips for getting your fat-confidence up are firstly: get to know your body and what it looks like from every angle. You can’t really love something without knowing it intimately and having a frank relationship with it. Look at yourself in the mirror, see what your girlfriend sees when you’re in bed together. Secondly, I would recommend you look at photos of other hot fat babes and reflect on how beautiful they are. Normalize your relationship with attractive fat bodies. Again, put yourself in your girlfriend’s position: try to understand what true beauty she’s beholding when she looks at you.

Ask your girlfriend to tell you why she loves your body, what makes you sexy, why she’s drawn to you. Start to see yourself as she sees you, rather than participating in a patriarchal race that, in this case, has no winners. Comparing yourself to your girlfriend and feeling bad only makes sense if being fat is bad, and it isn’t. You’re undoubtedly a delight, and you’ve found yourself a partner that wants to get naked with you. Don’t waste these great things on self-consciousness and shame!

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“Hi, I’m in a bit of a moral crisis. My ex has had sex with 50 people in their lifetime and they’re only 22. This bothers me SO much and I want them to know but I don’t wanna seem like a slut-shaming prude. I know I can’t change them so how do I cope?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think this is complicated for a few reasons. (1) neither of you is in the wrong, so you don’t really have a reason to be like WE NEED TO TALK BECAUSE YOU FUCKED UP OR I FUCKED UP, (2) It isn’t rrrrreally your right to comment on someone else’s sexy numbers, regardless of circumstance, (3) you probably won’t come away from the conversation feeling any better?? Confronting your ex will probably actually make you feel worse.

If you and your ex are good friends and you want to have a conversation about being raised in a society that only celebrates sex when it’s between a man and a woman, and for the purpose of having babies… HAVE THAT CONVERSATION. I think you can actually learn a lot from someone who has had different sexual experiences than you. If you see sex as something sacred and secret and kept for only a few and your ex thinks of sex as something fun and exciting and a way to share an experience with someone, then the two of you have SO MUCH cool shit to talk about. Imagine being able to understand where your ex is coming from and why they feel the way they do and how their growing up and education and community have lead them to feeling that way. AND how cool it will be to understand.

I think it’s important to realize that we are all different human beings. We all feel differently about sex and our bodies. You are not right. You aren’t the one person who has it figured out and does sex the right way. Your ex also doesn’t have all the answers to the correct way to treat sex. You’re two different people and you have your two different answers and you have your two different bodies and you have your two different levels of comfort. The problem ALWAYS comes along when you try to force someone to follow your guidelines. That’s the root of every problem this world has ever had. If we could all just figure it the fuck out, realize that we’re not all the same, recognize that we all need / want different things, be cool with the fact that differences between us are necessary, etc., the world will be on hell of a better place.

Kristin Says:

I agree with every last word Dannielle has said up there, and so I am going to add very little and keep this short:

The way you cope with having negative feelings toward the way someone else approaches sex (even, yes, your ex!) is to think more about why you have those feelings. It is okay that you are feeling things — but it is the inner mechanisms in your brain and heart that are at work here, not the wrongdoings of another person.

I would talk to a close friend or write in a journal or read articles on sex positivity or all of the above… I would not tell your ex that you have feelings about the way they choose to live their life.

Your ex’s choices don’t affect you. Your feelings toward those choices do affect you. Put your focus there. <3

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