FAQ

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"How do you ‘get back on the horse’ when your ex destroyed you?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Slowly and carefully.

It’s a hard thing to master, being totally okay and happy with how wonderful you actually are after someone has convinced you otherwise. It’s hard and confusing and scary and weird and uncomfortable. All of the feelings associated with where you are right now are SUPER negative. Which is kind of great because you’re feeling SO TERRIBLE that tiny good things feel like GIANT good things… I give the worst advice.

Allow time to do it’s job. You can’t get back into it immediately, even if you REALLY REALLY want to, you’re just not there yet. I’m not telling you to sit at home alone and cry, but just realize when you DO try to go out with someone and you’re totally not feeling it, that’s okay. It’s more than okay, it’s expected. Take that time and allow yourself to have a few shitty dates with some people you only sort of like, it’ll happen how and when it’s supposed to happen.

Take time to remember all the millions of reasons someone might fall in love with you. Fall in love with yourself all over again. It sounds sooo cheesy and dumb, but I’M SERIOUS. Write, draw, swim, read, ride your bike, cook, play your guitar, organize your closet, do things for you just because you WANT to do them. Recognize the things you’re REALLY good at doing and brush your shoulders off.

You’re literally the best. Once you remember how fucking amazing you are, you’ll be more than open to sharing that amazing you with another human.

Kristin Says:

Well, first things first – it is important to understand the difference between your ex ACTUALLY destroying you and the FEELING that your ex has destroyed you. I promise you this: unless your ex is a dark lord who carries unearthly powers and has cast a spell on you that even Hermoine can’t break… your ex has not actually destroyed you. In fact, your ex doesn’t have any power over you that isn’t able to be taken back by you, when you’re ready and able.

So, then, the goal here is to get you ready and able to get yourself back – and Dannielle said it perfectly: you do that slowly, carefully, and by focusing on the things that you enjoy.

I was once in a relationship for five years, and when it ended I was (or felt like I was) completely destroyed. It took me an entire year to begin to pick up the pieces. I had days during that year where I forgot my pain, I laughed, I talked with friends. I had days where I couldn’t do anything but drag myself to work and back home again. I had days where my laughter turned suddenly into a hurt that I couldn’t explain, and I had to excuse myself from the room to regain my composure. The good days increased slowly and, eventually, I looked up at work and saw a girl and thought, “Hey… I could totally mash my mouth on her mouth and like it.” That was the beginning of the bend back toward my life. Soon thereafter, I made out with some people — sometimes it was awesome and sometimes it made me a little sad. Then I met someone who I fell in love with… and now I look back on that time and it feels a hundred bagillion years ago.

Such is life.

Patience, perseverance, and faith. You’ve got this.

Trust us.

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"Tell me honestly: is it possible to go back to being friends after being in a relationship? Is it possible to avoid breakup drama?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Yes and no. I’m friends with most of my exes, it didn’t happen over night, but it happened eventually. I’m also not friends with one of my exes bc the ‘we just broke up and now i’m the meanest human’ thing got to me too much and I gave up. It’s all about how you treat one another after it’s over. My vote? Space.

SPACE YOU GUYS SPACE. Stop talking to each other for a while, and when I say a while, I mean like… a year. It’s the constant talking and the trying too hard to be friends that ends up fucking with you. Regardless of how much you want those things to work out immediately, they never do and one or both of you end up with conflicted feelings. Even if she’s the one who needs the space, be the bigger person and say it’s you that needs it, you know? There’s nothing wrong with saying “Hey FACEHEAD, I really want to work to get to a place where we can be friends, but I can’t do it right now and I don’t want to force it, so I need some time.” Boom, done. Don’t speak for a while, Stop obsessing over her facebook and making rude comments about the girl she’s making out with.

Breakup drama will happen because you’re both hurting, but if you put a stop to it now, it doesn’t have to affect the rest of your emotional well-being. Some shit just doesn’t last forever, you both have to realize that ON YOUR OWN, you can’t realize that together while crying and yelling at one another during an L Word marathon.

Kristin Says:

I second the simple answers of: No, you cannot avoid some form of breakup drama and YES, it is absolutely possible to be friends with someone after you’ve had a relationship.

I also think, though, that the way you go about this and the ease at which you will be able to attain this depends a lot on the kind of person you are. I am a communicator. To a fault, perhaps, but I must tell people how I feel, when I feel it, regardless of the circumstances. I was never the one to take the space after a breakup – because even though I knew I needed to heal, it didn’t feel natural to me to go from being in love to completely isolating myself from that person. I generally lean toward a happy medium.

If you are also a communicator, and you need to communicate with your ex in order to move forward, HERE ARE SOME SIMPLE RULES:

1. No sleepovers.
2. No sex.
3. No showing up at the party you know your ex will be at only because you can’t control your actions and need to see what your ex is doing and who your ex is doing it with.
4. No drunk dialing.
5. No passive aggressive messages or comments.
6. No SEX, you guys.

The biggest rule here is that you have to let go in one form or another, and that might be gradually over time (if you are like me) or more suddenly (if you are like a lot of other people). Once you are both able to let go of the past, you will absolutely be able to be friends.

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“My mom is convinced I’m not ready for sex. I really like my girlfriend, and my body certainly wants me to take my pants off (NOW!). Is there a difference between physical and emotional readiness? I guess what I’m really asking is, how do you actually know if you’re ready emotionally?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Honestly, we all have so many different emotions that mean so many different things, it’s difficult for me to know what to tell you.

I know people who have had bunches of sexi with bunches of people and they are completely and totally emotionally stable. They are cool, calm, collected, successful, have the ability to recognize their emotions and deal with them in the appropriate manner. AND I know people who have only had sexi with one person their entire life and they are on the same emotional playing field as aforementioned person. NOW ALSO I know people who have lots of sexi with lots of people and are not at all mentally sound AAAANNND people who have only had sexi with select people and can’t handle it.

The most important thing you can do is REMEMBER THAT WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. You might be ready, your girlfriend might not be, talk about it. We all get carried away with our body feelings and hormones and that’s totally natural, but you can step back for a second, be smart about it, and don’t put yourself in a position that you might later regret. We all have our own moral compass, no one is right and no one is wrong and no one can tell you what to do. You know, deep down in your heart area what makes you comfortable and what you think is the right thing to do. So, follow your heart, unless of course you are a bird looking for some fruit loops, in which case, follow your nose.

Kristin Says:

For starters, I’m not sure that you can actually know if you are emotionally ready to have sexitime with your girlfriend, until you are having sexitime with your girlfriend. That said, I definitely don’t think that your mom could know if you were ready for that level of connection either…

What we do with our bodies and when we do those things with our bodies is our decision, and I think people of all different ages are ready for things at all different times. I also agree with Dannielle, in that sexitime does not automatically have to make your emotions go totally Fruit Loops.

I suggest that you think about what you want to do with your boo when you are sitting quietly by yourself. Think about what it means to you and why you want to do those things. If you know in those quiet moments that you want to explore sexitown with her, then that is what you should do. Safetly, slowly, and honestly. Check in with yourself, be honest with your mom about your decisions, and always make sure you are protecting yourselves and know how to protect yourselves.

You guys. Sexitime is important, sure, and it’s an awesome thing to connect with others on that level… but also, it doesn’t have to be the cornerstone of emotion/feeling/life/everything. It can just be fun.

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"Okay guys, when someone says the words ‘but it’s not real sex’ how do I deal with it without grabbing a heavy blunt instrument or punching them in the head? Just because I don’t want a pee-pee in my hoo-ha doesn’t mean it’s not sex and drives me insane!!"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I’m assuming this is in the middle of a conversation about you being a gay. And this human is like ‘oooh you’re a gay, have you ever had sex tho’ and you’re like ‘yea i bone same-sexed people all the time’ and then they’re like ‘but that’s not real sex’ and you’re like ‘yes it is’ and they’re like ‘look it up in the dictionary’ and you’re like ‘WHO CARRIES AROUND A DICTIONARY ANYMORE?!?!’ … you know?

Part A. We are all saved by the graces of the internet, because when you google ‘real sex’ it just talks about an old TV show from HBO. YOU’RE WELCOME

Part B. According to the dictionary, most conservative individuals and prolly the bible at some point, sex is literally only for making babies. SOOOO whoever you’re talking to is seeing life and sexi with a very narrow mind.

Some people will legit have a conversation with you about sexi and your feelings and why you don’t want a peen. Some people just want you to know you’re wrong (which you’re not). Some people are honestly just asking if you’ve ever boned a dude. So, you have about a million options. I would prolly just laugh really hard. or start to fake cry and yell ‘HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME’…or pretend i’m calling my dad and yell into the phone ‘DAD I DON’T GET IT, WHAT IS SEX’ ….or say ‘oh word??’ …. or I would get real and say ‘it actually offends the shit out of me when you say that, so if you wanna conversate about feelings, lets do this’ and start the convo where you explain that your girlf makes you feel fucking incredible and why does it matter that she doesn’t have a ween to put inside you…

Kristin Says:

This world, you guys.

Let’s all meditate for one moment on how hilarious it is that so many people are sooo hung up on the physical act of placing a peen inside of a hoo-ha as the one and only way of defining “sexual intercourse.” Are you all thinking about how silly it is? IT IS SOME SKIN AND SOME OTHER SKIN YOU GUYS. GET IT TOGETHER EVERYONE.

The phrase “having sex,” to most people, or at the very least to me, means being as physically intimate with another person as they deem possible. There is no limitation or rulebook on body parts and anatomy unless we are defining sexual intercourse in our biology class…and I would like to imagine that most people think about sex outside of the room where frogs are dissected.

So, you can just say to this person, “Oh, are we having a sex conversation that is based on Webster’s dictionary or Mr. Mulligan’s 7th grade lecture on where babies come from, or are we having a sex conversation that involves complex emotions and interactions between human beings?” Then, after they blink a few times, I would simply say, “If we are talking about real sex, then first of all I would like for you to think about what the word ‘real’ even means…and second of all, you can happily define sex however you’d like, but I would appreciate if you didn’t define it for me.”

Now, addendum: Like Dannielle said above, if this person is honestly confused and struggling to grasp how people can “have sex” without a penis and vagina #biology, then please don’t be rude to them – please take a deep breath and explain that sex isn’t as limited as they might think, and answer their questions as much as you can. Knowledge is power, you guys…and unfortunately most of the world has been taught to depend on penises inside of vaginas for centuries.

Bit by bit let’s show ‘em how that shit is just plain SILLY.

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“Hey guys! So I'm only officially out to a few of my friends; the rest pretty much know, but I haven't 'come out' to them yet. I'm generally a funny person (if I may say so myself) so I was wondering if you had any ideas for funny ways to come out without getting too serious or heavy. Thanks! Love you guys :)”

- Question submitted by Clapoverhead

Dannielle Says:

HERE IS A TRUE STORY:

When I was just out of college I was hanging out with an old friend and he was like ‘i want to tell amanda (mybestfriendintheworld) I’m gay, but I don’t want it to be awkward, so I think I’m going to turn it into a game’ and I was like ‘oooookay’

So, we’re all eating a MOE’S SOUTHWESTERN GRILL and he’s like ‘do you guys wanna play a word association game?’ and we were like ‘alright’ and he was like ‘frog’ and amanda goes ‘green’ and i go ‘grass’ and he goes ‘i’m gay’ and then i laughed and laughed and laughed and amanda was like ‘wait…what?’

——

We basically talked about it right then and it was all fun and great, but the point is, you can pretty much do anything. If I were you I would suggest a few real good lines:

1. “Oh man, you know what’s so gay?….THIS GUY *points to self*”

2. “HAKUNA MATATA WHAT A WONDERFUL PHRASE HAKUNA MATATA OH BY THE WAY I’M GAYYYY IT MEANS NO WORRIES FOR THE REST OF I’M GAYYYYY”

3. “hahahahahha” …”why are you laughing” …..”BECAUSE I LOVE BONING MEMBERS OF THE SAME SEX…HILARIOUS RIGHT?!?!”

4. skip to 5.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
5. “Hey guys, check out this question i asked on everyoneisgay.com” and then pull up the website page on your computer and pose behind them with your mouth agape, pointing to yourself. Don’t move until right around now when they look behind them to see if you’re doing what i just told you to do.

Honestly, after what I just told you, WTF is kristin going to say ever? GOODLUCKKRISTIN

Kristin Says:

Having to be second in the line of funny is so harrddddd, you guys. Ughghghghg.

Let’s see…

1.  Make a t-shirt that says, “GAY PEOPLE WEAR THIS SHIRT.”

2. At lunch, be like, “You guys, you know that song FRIDAYFRIDAYGETTINDOWNONFRIDAY?  Those lyrics are almost as ridiculous as me not telling you until now that I’m gay.”

3. Scream “Rachel Maddow!” over and over and over again until someone asks you what the hell you are doing.  Then, just tell them you thought that was how you were supposed to announce that you are a homosexual.

4. Invite all your friends over and before they arrive, hide in the closet.  Then, when they are like, “Sam, where are you,” you say, from inside the closet, “I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU THAT I WOULD LIKE TO DO THROUGH INTERPRETIVE DANCE.”  Then, open the closet, step outside, and do a jump split.

Goddamn.  I really wish I wasn’t out to everyone in the world so that I could execute number four personally.

PS: Bonus prize, read this article for 10 more ways…

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