"MY DAD KEEPS PLAYING ‘SAME LOVE’ WHENEVER WE’RE IN THE CAR ALONE TOGETHER AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IN THIS SITUATION."
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
OKAY HERE’S WHAT YOU DO IF YOU HATE IT AND YOU DON’T WANT HIM TO KNOW YOU’RE GAY AND YOU WANT TO THROW HIM OFF THE TRAIL:
When dad begins to blast SAME LOVE and bob his head off beat, Turn the radio down, look him in the eye and say “I heard this song is about cats”
Then he will have no idea that you are gay and he will also feel SO CONFUSED he will never play the song again.
HERE’S WHAT YOU DO IF YOU THINK IT’S SWEET BUT YOU’RE STILL NOT TOTALLY READY TO COME OUT:
bob your head to the music, look your dad in the eye and give him a thumbs up.
HERE’S WHAT YOU DO IF YOU THINK THIS IS SWEET AND YOU ARE READY TO COME OUT BUT DON’T REALLY KNOW HOW:
When dad starts to bob his head to the song, look him in the eye and say, “lol this song is great because i’m gay…”
Kristin Says:
Alternate Option, Regardless of your particular positioning: Scream sing the entirety of the song every time while eating and apple and chewing loudly. Do absolutely nothing when any other song plays, and when he asks you why you scream-sing to that one particular song, look REALLY confused and say, “I have no idea what you mean. Are you feeling okay?”
Eventually he will probably develop a reflex that changes the station within the first few notes of the song.
This method requires you to have an apple on you AT ALL TIMES.
"should i come out to my mom at Disney World? i'm very close to her and i think having a fun environment around would let her see that my sexuality is not THAT big of a deal. (i mean it kinda is but i doesn't make me who i am) :) thanks!"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
Hi, YOU ARE A GENIUS.
You should absolutely come out to your mom at Disney World, ARE YOU KIDDING. Can you please make an instagram video of yourself screaming ‘BYYY THEE WAYYYY I AM GAAAAYYY’ on space mountain?? Am I not being sensitive enough? I feel like I should give you encouragement or something.
LISTEN. You’re absolutely right, being gay does not define you. Who you are as a human being, you fun-loving spirit, your kindness, your warm heart, your honesty, your loyalty, your laughter, your willingness to do anything for those around you. THOSE are the things that really matter.
I’ve told my coming out story 640,872 times. I’ll be damned if I didn’t wish it started with “So, my mom and I were getting off the tea cups and I had JUST thrown up…”
Kristin Says:
Yup.
Yes.
Yes.
Yup.
Here’s the thing of the thing: most of us tell our coming out stories about four million hundred thousand times in our lives… so having yours originate in Disney World is pretty incredible.
Your mom is your mom, whether she’s shopping at CVS, eating a bowl of cereal, or getting Mickey’s autograph–and I think that you have to talk about yourself when and where you want to. That’s how parents and kids work.
Say what you gotta say, and chances are she will respond well and you will then go talk about how creepy “It’s A Small World” is. If she doesn’t respond well immediately and you guys have a scream-cry fight in front of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves… well, as you can see, it’s kind of a win-win situation.
“How do I ask my parents to send me the entire collection of the L Word I left at home when I went to college without totally outing myself?”
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
Blame it on whatever friend you like least. OR
Say “Can you send me the entire L word series, it’s in my room LOLOLOL” and when they say “okay got it” just go “omg. really? i was making a joke…” OR
Say “Yea, i don’t really know, my lesbian friend said she left some lesbian tv show in my room, do you see it” OR
Say “I’m not gay or anything, but can you send my L word dvds back?” OR
Tell one of your friends to go to your house and sneak them out… No one is better at sneaking into your house but you, tell friend the tricks and get it DONE.
Calm down and wait to get them until you’re home next?
Kristin Says:
Omg. You literally need those DVDs so bad that you are willing to risk outing yourself to your family for them. Bahahahahahaha.
Here’s what I would do:
You: ”Yo parents. Can you send me the DVDs called ‘The L Word’ please?”
Your Parents: “There are so many ladies on these DVDs, what is ‘The L Word’?”
You: “The L Word is sometimes laughing, sometimes losing, sometimes loving… but also it could be talking, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, cheating, kissing, thinking and dreaming… even though those words don’t technically BEGIN with the letter L. It’s a REALLY complicated show.”
"How do I tell the lady who does my Brazilian wax, I’m a lesbian? Every time I go see her she asks me mid wax, face in my area; "so do you have a boyfriend yet?!" I don’t really know how to tell her I’ll never have one, Help?! :/"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
Now this shit is funny.
You should probably ask her out on a date when her head is between your legs.
Orrrrrr you should say “actually I date ladies” and when she peaks up at you from betwixt your legs wink at her with one of those full face winks. You know the wink where you open your whole mouth and tilt your head down with one eye closed.
Orrrr you could also not say anything bc like, how close are you guys really? You know?
Kristin Says:
Ohhhhhhkay.
Listen, can we talk for a few seconds about how people should not be asking you about your love life whilst ripping small hairs out of your vaginaplace???!
I feel like this should just be standard vaginaplace etiquette.
Now that we’ve covered proper etiquette, let’s deal with how to handle this nosy waxer. I agree with Dannielle. Why this bitch be up in your grill?! The lady who tugs your hairs doesn’t need to know who you bone if you don’t want her to, okay? If you feel like being honest, just say it and make it REALLY AWKWARD so that it’s REALLY FUNNY, which is what I do with everything in life…and if you don’t want to deal with it, just scream really really loudly every time she asks you about boyfriends, even though she hasn’t even put the wax on you yet.
She’ll get the idea.
#pavlovsbell
