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"Okay guys, when someone says the words ‘but it’s not real sex’ how do I deal with it without grabbing a heavy blunt instrument or punching them in the head? Just because I don’t want a pee-pee in my hoo-ha doesn’t mean it’s not sex and drives me insane!!"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I’m assuming this is in the middle of a conversation about you being a gay. And this human is like ‘oooh you’re a gay, have you ever had sex tho’ and you’re like ‘yea i bone same-sexed people all the time’ and then they’re like ‘but that’s not real sex’ and you’re like ‘yes it is’ and they’re like ‘look it up in the dictionary’ and you’re like ‘WHO CARRIES AROUND A DICTIONARY ANYMORE?!?!’ … you know?

Part A. We are all saved by the graces of the internet, because when you google ‘real sex’ it just talks about an old TV show from HBO. YOU’RE WELCOME

Part B. According to the dictionary, most conservative individuals and prolly the bible at some point, sex is literally only for making babies. SOOOO whoever you’re talking to is seeing life and sexi with a very narrow mind.

Some people will legit have a conversation with you about sexi and your feelings and why you don’t want a peen. Some people just want you to know you’re wrong (which you’re not). Some people are honestly just asking if you’ve ever boned a dude. So, you have about a million options. I would prolly just laugh really hard. or start to fake cry and yell ‘HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME’…or pretend i’m calling my dad and yell into the phone ‘DAD I DON’T GET IT, WHAT IS SEX’ ….or say ‘oh word??’ …. or I would get real and say ‘it actually offends the shit out of me when you say that, so if you wanna conversate about feelings, lets do this’ and start the convo where you explain that your girlf makes you feel fucking incredible and why does it matter that she doesn’t have a ween to put inside you…

Kristin Says:

This world, you guys.

Let’s all meditate for one moment on how hilarious it is that so many people are sooo hung up on the physical act of placing a peen inside of a hoo-ha as the one and only way of defining “sexual intercourse.” Are you all thinking about how silly it is? IT IS SOME SKIN AND SOME OTHER SKIN YOU GUYS. GET IT TOGETHER EVERYONE.

The phrase “having sex,” to most people, or at the very least to me, means being as physically intimate with another person as they deem possible. There is no limitation or rulebook on body parts and anatomy unless we are defining sexual intercourse in our biology class…and I would like to imagine that most people think about sex outside of the room where frogs are dissected.

So, you can just say to this person, “Oh, are we having a sex conversation that is based on Webster’s dictionary or Mr. Mulligan’s 7th grade lecture on where babies come from, or are we having a sex conversation that involves complex emotions and interactions between human beings?” Then, after they blink a few times, I would simply say, “If we are talking about real sex, then first of all I would like for you to think about what the word ‘real’ even means…and second of all, you can happily define sex however you’d like, but I would appreciate if you didn’t define it for me.”

Now, addendum: Like Dannielle said above, if this person is honestly confused and struggling to grasp how people can “have sex” without a penis and vagina #biology, then please don’t be rude to them – please take a deep breath and explain that sex isn’t as limited as they might think, and answer their questions as much as you can. Knowledge is power, you guys…and unfortunately most of the world has been taught to depend on penises inside of vaginas for centuries.

Bit by bit let’s show ‘em how that shit is just plain SILLY.

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