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"Hi Kristin and Dannielle, Do you guys have any suggestions on what to write as a first message to girls on online dating sites? I usually try and pick something specific in their profile and ask something or comment about it (let’s be honest, it’s usually about one of their favorite tv shows), but girls hardly ever respond. I guess I’m trying to treat it as a conversation starter, but maybe that’s not the right way to go? Thanks!"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

This is SO HARD YOU GUYS. I think the absolute best suggestion I can give is BE YOUR SELF. I know it sounds stupid, but if I were to get a message that said “hey I think you’re attractive and we should meet up” I would roll my eyes and click ‘delete’ immediately. BUT HOWEVER THO, If I got a message that said “Hey I noticed you also cry while listening to Taylor Swift, so we have that in common…” I would giggle like an idiot and respond within four seconds.

It’s super important that you’re the same human online as you are in real life. If you message someone ‘hey sexy’ and they respond ‘letz hook up’ and then you hang out and you hide your face the whole time and giggle, it’s just GOING TO BE WEIRD. SO, be you. Be exactly the type of human you’re going to be WHILST dating someone.

The fact of the matter is, you wanna find someone who will like you for being nervous and uncomfortable and awkward. So, if you’re messaging someone and you say “hi, so … you like Pretty Little Liars…” and they roll their eyes and don’t respond, WHO CARES, why would you want them to respond anyway!? You know? You want the girl who will be like “LOL YEA I DO, OMG I’M SO AWKWARD AND YOU’RE AWKWARD LETS DATE.” Keep. Being. You.

Kristin Says:

Yeah… I think my advice would be to be yourself (as touted by the lovely Dannielle Owens-Reid) and also to let things evolve slowly.

If I got a message from someone that was like, “Hey, I’m also in Season 4 of Buffy OMG IT’S SO INTENSE RIGHT.” I would be like “AHHHH YES HOLY SHIT.” However, if the message was, “Hey, I totally watch Buffy, too, we should get together and watch it!” I would be like… I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU STEP OFF.

Do you see what I mean? Let the point of your first contact be simple, to the point, and real.

Also, also – dating sites are not the best way to reflect on your abilities in getting dates. I know that sounds a little weird, but like, it is VERY difficult to get a grasp of someone’s personality through just a few sentences, a list of thoughts, and some pictures. So, when you don’t get a response from people – try to remember that it doesn’t reflect negatively on you as a person. Most times it has to do with a million other factors that are impossible to know through a computer screen.

All we can do is put ourselves out there and be nice. You are doing everything right – just be you, give it time and space, and you will find the people who share common interests and who are in the headspace to connect.


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