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"The girl I’ve been dating for about a month and a half just told me she’s in a relationship. An open, long distance relationship, but a relationship. Now… I know I should cut her off, but I care about her too much to do so. Am I stupid for continuing to see her? :("

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Here is a life spoiler alert: NO ONE EVER DOES WHAT THEY SHOULD DO. EEVVVAARRRR. We follow our stupid idiot hearts and ignore our brains until we are crying in a puddle and convinced we will never feel love again. So, I will give you advice, but I am doing it knowing FULL-WELL you will probably ignore me bc kisses.

If yo girl being in a relationship with someone else makes you feel shitty, you should stop seeing her. If it makes you feel anxious and taken advantage of, you should stop seeing her. If you constantly feel like you aren’t good enough, and wonder why she doesn’t want to be with just you and it makes you feel uncool and worthless, you should stop seeing her. You should be REALLY HONEST with yourself and your feels because if you try to avoid them, statistics show that they will 100% build and build over time and you will feel EXPONENTIALLY SHITTIER #sciencefacts.

However, there are plenty of working relationships btwn people in similar situations. If you are okay with her being in another relationship and you are completely honest with yourself and your feels, you can maybe make it work.

I don’t have the ability to do that, but I also don’t have the ability to stop making out with someone I want to make out with when I know good-and-well it’s a terrible idea… So, GOOD LUCK TAKING MY ADVICE.

Kristin Says:

Yup yup yup, this is one MILLION percent based on you and what kind of relationship you want. From the tone of your question, it sounds like you are upset. You totally have room for all of those feelings, but it does sound like the girl you’ve been seeing is just being honest with you about her situation, and hoping that you will still be on board.

This is, as Dannielle mentioned, where shit gets TRICKY. You already sound upset, so you have to really sit with those feelings and pull them apart, bit by bit. Make a list if that is something that will help you, and jot down all of the feelings and why you think you are feeling them. Do you feel betrayed? Do you feel confused? Do you feel sad or unsure or angry? Every time you write a feeling, write for as long as you can/need about WHERE that feeling comes from. Sometimes this will just help you vent, but other times it will help you clarify the feelings (“I am angry because she should have told me sooner… but it has only been about a month so I guess it is pretty soon… so I am angry because I just wish this didn’t happen”).

After you do some work on what the feelings truly are, you should talk to your girl. Be as honest with her and with yourself as possible. If you want to try this, absolutely try it… but you have to keep being honest with yourself and with her! If you keep picking fights over who ate the last Twizzler and you KNOW it’s actually you resenting her other relationship, YOU GOTTA BE REAL.

No one wants to deal with fights about Twizzlers that carry the weight of the world. Capeesh?

Be real. Be strong. Be honest.
Good luck.

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One thought on “Am I Stupid for Seeing Someone in a Relationship?

  1. Um, so I feel the need to point out that what the OP’s girlfriend did is super not cool. When you are in an open relationship honesty is SUPER IMPORTANT, and getting together with someone without first being clear about your relationship status? Is a red flag. Poly/open relationships need to be negotiated UPFRONT with ALL PARTNER’S CONSENT. By implicitly negotiating a monogamous relationship with the OP and then revealing afterwards that she was in a relationship with someone else, the gf lied to the OP and robbed them of their chance to give their informed consent to the real non-monogamous relationship. “But it’s an open relationship!” is NOT a magic phrase that makes it okay to retroactively pull a bait-and-switch on your partner.

    If the gf lied to the OP about the true nature of their relationship from the get-go, what else have they lied about? Is the LD relationship REALLY open? Does the LD partner know about the OP? Is the LD partner really okay with the gf and the OP dating?

    While there ARE legit reasons why the OP’s gf would have waited to tell the OP about her relationship, I have seen way too many similar situations play out with my poly friends where it turns out “OOPS! My partner actually WASN’T okay with me dating you and I did it anyway and managed to make you out as the bad one! Enjoy being a social pariah while I continue to be the darling of our social group!” and they have been devastated.

    So, yeah, if you are reading this OP: if you proceed with this relationship, proceed with EXTREME caution. Open/poly relationships are complicated by nature and the biggest way to get into a huge, emotionally painful mess is to fail to properly communicate in an upfront, honest way–which is what your gf did when she decided that waiting until AFTER you two got together was the appropriate time to tell you that the monogamous relationship that you thought you entered into was actually a big lie because SURPRISE, she has another partner.

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